


Stars Shine Bright

by charmingwillow



Series: Shining Bright [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Friendship, Friendship break up, Gently, Getting Together, Melancholy, Moving On, becoming friends, nah she didn't, she hated him!, sixth year, slowburn, small dash of war stuff, the gentle angst, underage drinking and smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 68,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22254601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmingwillow/pseuds/charmingwillow
Summary: After her falling out with Severus Snape, Lily spends her sixth year learning the meaning of friendship, family and home.Mostly, she learns that there is more to James Potter than being an arrogant toerag...
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marauders & Lily Evans Potter
Series: Shining Bright [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899598
Comments: 88
Kudos: 236





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a one-shot based on the Fictober 2019 prompts...50k+ words later, I admitted defeat on that front and accepted that I'd written a multi-chapter. This is my baby, I am ridiculously proud of it, and I hope you enjoy reading it <3
> 
>  _And I know these scars will bleed,  
>  But both of our hearts believe,  
> All of these stars will guide us home..._  
> -Ed Sheeran, All of the Stars

The castle, with all of its hundreds of windows glowing like golden stars upon earth, was the most impressive sight most young witches and wizards ever had the pleasure of appreciating, second only to the real magic.

First year or seventh, it hardly mattered; to be caught by the sight of Hogwarts at night, to feel that familiar beckoning of belonging was...

Lily Evans, prefect’s badge pinned at her chest and uniform robes still tidy as she stepped down from the horseless carriage, would never tire of it, nor would she ever forget this feeling. 

Excitement and trepidation, all twisting and fluttering in her veins, feeding off the overwhelming magic circulating in the air like an invisible mist. Intoxicating.

Because this, _here_ , was _right_. 

Lily took a step forward...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is finished! 
> 
> If all goes well, I shall be posting every Friday, including this one coming up~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"But these people raised me and I can't wait to go home..."_  
>  -Ed Sheeran, Castle on the Hill

The thing is though: Home as a muggleborn was a strange in-between-place to be. Lily spent the first eleven years of her life certain it was Cokeworth, with her parents and Petunia. That’s what she learned in school at any rate whenever a teacher assigned one of those family tree projects. When she tried to sneak Severus into them she was always scolded.

“Your _family,”_ teachers stressed, “who lives at _home_ with you!”

They never taught the words for feeling displaced. Primary school kids shouldn’t, after all; they had all been prescribed the same mold: a family, a house, a dog, maybe a cousin or two. 

And yet. 

Petunia blamed her books, for being whimsical and romantic and magical— for making Lily into a dreamer, someone who believed and wished and hoped. Someone who stood on the outskirts of the school playground and felt something missing as she watched her classmates jump from the swings and land squarely onto their feet in the dirt.

But what if they could fly?

What if, beyond this sodden grey town, there was something _more?_

Petunia blamed, and so other classmates mocked; it was simply the natural order of things on the playground. No one could have guessed that Lily had things right the entire time. 

Except Severus. 

Funny how one moment you might want someone on your dumb family tree school project for making you feel like you _belong..._ and the next, years later, that someone was decidedly _nothing_ to you. 

Painfully nothing. 

Funny how they both ended up in the same boarding school, Lily the validated dreamer and Severus the snake in the shadows. 

* * *

Other students filed past Lily, their hunger making them eager for the welcome feast, but Lily let her eyes take one more sweeping glance over the castle, and let out a sigh.

Her hand snagged into something cold— another hand, which gripped hers and pulled her back. Lily turned, scowling at being held back, and came face to face with Severus Snape’s sallow, weary face. 

No... 

_Nope._

_No._

Lily halted and yanked her hand from Severus’s. She glared at him for half a second, this former friend of hers, and then turned, stalking off toward the entrance hall once more. 

“Lily— wait!”

Thankfully, the thick throngs of curious, nosy students made it impossible for Severus to chase her, though he certainly put up a good attempt; several students swore loudly at him. And then, out of nowhere, Mary MacDonald and Marlene McKinnon appeared and seamlessly closed formation behind Lily. 

“Lily!”

“She’s not interested,” Mary snapped at him, and then draped an arm around Lily’s shoulders. “Surely one of your sketchy books has the definition of _leave her alone.”_

Lily stared resolutely ahead while her heart thudded in her chest. She was tense in Mary’s arms but it didn’t stop Marlene from slipping her hand securely into Lily’s. 

“Great year this is going to be,” Marlene said, a shade too bright and determined, as they finally entered the castle and the light turned warm and golden from the torches along the stone walls.

Lily’s lingering misery from summer returned full force, tarnishing whatever optimism she might’ve had, but still she couldn’t help but be grateful for Marlene. And Mary, who leaned in close as they entered the Great Hall and went straight to the Gryffindor table and said, “We've got you Lils, don’t worry about that prick.”

* * *

They were lovely girls, Mary and Marlene, and always had been. Dorcas Meadowes and Evelyn DeLacroix, too. Between the five of them, they managed to keep their dorm relatively tidy and were quick to share any treats they received from home. She knew their basic histories, and they occasionally studied together. Mary hand drew lovely cards for their birthdays and Marlene was happy to swap books.

Lily called them friends, but they weren’t the ones she went to when, say, a nasty letter from Petunia dropped onto her breakfast. That honor had always gone to Severus Snape.

Loyalty to Severus had just seemed logical; they’d grown up together in the same town. Severus saw first hand her struggles with Petunia, and was deeply intimate with the despair she felt at being called a freak. 

Rejection— by her sister, and his father— bonded them, and her roommates couldn’t understand. 

Lily hardly faulted them for their familial happiness but her friendship with Severus had, over the years, become one of the few taboo subjects in their dorm. 

When Lily would excuse herself from their study sessions early to find Severus, they simply bid her farewell, promising to see her in the dorm later, or at class the next morning. They never inquired after Severus’ well being, nor asked for an explanation when his friends became increasingly hostile toward them. 

Only after Hector Mulciber’s attempted attack on Mary MacDonald did their dorm shift from indifferent to concern. 

When Lily excused herself to find Severus, they offered to walk Lily. In corridors, or in the Great Hall, if Lily walked beside Severus, they’d watch carefully for any sign of trouble against Lily. They mentioned if they spotted Severus in the restricted section of the library, or snuck off to isolated, shadowed corners of the castle.

Lily wasn’t ignorant; she sensed something was wrong from the company Severus kept, from the books he was quick to hide from her...but he was her friend until suddenly...he wasn’t. 

Mary and Marlene had been there though, and they were here now. 

They found seats at the Gryffindor table; the rest of their year was already there: Dorcas, Evelyn and...Lily took a bracing breath as she sat, and did her best to offer a small, amiable smile at boys. The Marauders, they called themselves, though Lily personally preferred the term bully...

“Alright, Evans?” James Potter said down the bench, broad grin stretching across his face, as he nodded at the girls. “MacDonald, McKinnon— oh, was thinking of scheduling Quidditch trials next week.”

“Brilliant,” Marlene smiled, though it turned to indignant outrage when she glanced over at Sirius Black, James’ best friend and partner in crime. 

Sirius had infamously been thrown off the team at the end of last year as punishment for what Lily knew to be a cruel prank against Severus, though no one else knew, as evidenced by Marlene saying, “honestly, whatever you did couldn’t have been _that bad._ Being kicked off the team! Honestly, what was McGonagall thinking…”

“Trust me,” Sirius said darkly, lowering his head, “it’s for the best.”

Lily blinked at his sullen acceptance. “No gloating? That’s unlike you.”

Sirius raised his haughty gray eyes to her. “This year it is. Unless you _want_ me to be an impulsive git...?”

Considering what that’d gotten her before… “No,” Lily said coolly, “I don’t.”

“Great,” Sirius crossed his arms, the picture of indifference. “Settled.”

Frowning, Lily looked away, though Mary and Marlene exchanged uncomfortable glances. James clapped Sirius bracingly on the back, both looking stormy. 

Remus Lupin, pale and bone-tired beside them, leaned toward Lily and said in a low, knowing voice, “he really is sorry, you know.”

“Hmm,” Lily hummed and frowned at Remus. “Are you all right?”

“Wonderful,” Remus smiled, considering her closed face, and went for neutral ground. “Good summer?”

“ _Wonderful,”_ Lily answered as darkly has Sirius had before, thinking of all the time spent with Petunia in order to insure Severus wouldn’t go near her. 

Mood souring further, Lily turned toward the teacher’s table and waited for Professor McGonagall to bring in the first years for the sorting ceremony. She could feel her friends’ eyes on her, could see Marlene glance over to Mary and then the boys. Across the Hall, if she cared to concentrate on it, she could also feel Severus’. 

Add one of Petunia’s infamous glares and Lily was sure to combust into hot flame.

Lily let out some air through her nostrils and let her shoulders wilt, just a fraction. It was too early in the year for...any of this.

She thought of the castle under the stars. 

She thought of the familiar pull that drew her in. 

Marlene’s hand slipped back into hers, followed by Mary’s and their reassuring squeezes.

Lily squeezed back.

* * *

First days back at school always felt like a rubber band snapping into place. Quick, sometimes painful, and always a bit wobbly in the aftermath. 

Logically, Lily knew how it worked: set out her robes the night before so she wouldn’t have to sleepily grope around for them in the morning; stock her bag with parchment, quills, ink, books; set her alarm five minutes early in order to claim the bathroom _before_ any of the other girls. Breakfast at eight, schedules. Class. 

Rinse and repeat for ten months. 

In practice, when Lily’s alarm did go off, she suddenly found herself with a serious case of “Fuck This”. Bleary and heavy from this rude awakening, Lily groaned out loud and was met with several matching cries. 

“September first— so magical, they say,” Mary could be heard, muffled from her pillow, “and then term actually _starts.”_

“Shut up,” Marlene rasped as her blankets rustled, no doubt over her head now. “Too early.”

Evelyn and Dorcas just whimpered tragically from their respective beds.

Objective one: shower. Out of bed. Christ. 

Lily rolled, first onto her stomach to push herself up on her knees and elbows, and second to plant her feet on the chilly stone floor. She grimaced at the ungodly bright sun that beamed through her curtains when she opened them and grabbed her shower kit. 

Mary had emerged from her curtains, her hair a tangle atop her head and yawning hugely. When she saw Lily drudging to the shower, she gave a halfhearted glare. “You bitch.” But she made no move to rush ahead.

Lily grunted, and closed the door behind her, just as Mary went to poke Marlene awake. 

* * *

A strong cup of coffee cured most things, including her grogginess so she could finally sit up straight. But it did not, could not, cure the drop in Lily’s stomach when she saw double potions marked near the end of the day’s schedule.

“Bummer,” Marlene commented over Lily’s shoulder at breakfast. “Glad I dropped it.” And then she gave a little shiver to illustrate her point. Mary nudged her, hard, with a look. Marlene went sheepish. “Er. Right, with...Snape.”

They all looked over at the Slytherin table where, predictably, Severus sat facing her, a dark glaring figure among all the new term excitement. Lily hurriedly turned back to her coffee and took a large gulp. 

“Greasy git is probably hoping to get paired with you,” Mary muttered and then savagely tore into a piece of toast, angry on Lily’s behalf it seemed. “I’m rubbish at potions, you know...but I think the boys are taking it?”

Lily dropped her schedule to the table and then her chin into a hand. “I’m doomed.”

“I could walk you down...” Marlene offered.

“It’s fine.” Lily tried for cheerful but her voice definitely fell a bit flat. 

And then— Lily heard them before she saw them because that’s how things worked with the so-called Marauders. Sirius’ barking laugh jerked most people fully awake, while James’s accompanying snickers balanced it. Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew followed, deep in discussion about something. Lily sighed at some distant spot as they predictably plopped into the seats around her and Mary and Marlene, and descended upon breakfast like the pack of feral animals they were. 

“Morning, Evans,” James said through a mouthful of toast and marmalade as he craned a look at Lily’s schedule. “Looks like we’ve got potions together.”

“ _Delightful_.”

James grinned to show that indeed it was; crumbs fell from his mouth onto the table. 

“Ugh,” Lily said for the second time, gathered her bag and plucked her schedule up. “I’m going back to the Common Room.” 

* * *

She joined Evelyn and Dorcas, both lounging happily in armchairs bathed in warm sunlight, both with books propped open on their laps. 

“Hiya, Lily,” Dorcas chirped, “have a good summer?”

“Doesn’t Severus Snape live near you?” Evelyn frowned. Lily always wondered if she were related to the Blacks, for she had the same aristocratic elegance, the same dark hair and creamy skin, but she’d never asked. Touchy subjects, their families were...

“Yeah,” Lily said, tucking her feet up under her lap, keeping her gaze on the worn red carpet. “He does.”

“How horrible,” Dorcas sympathized. She had a lovely dusting of freckles across her darkened cheeks, hinting at a summer spent outside, and Lily pounced on that before they continued on asking about Severus.

“Holiday by the sea? Brighton?” And then Lily smiled over at Evelyn. “And weren’t you meant to visit France?”

Dorcas and Evelyn smiled indulgently but otherwise had the grace not to comment on Lily’s obvious deflection. Instead they told tales of their respective holidays, pausing for Evelyn to run up to fetch some sweets she’d had leftover from France. 

“It’s nice you’re here,” Dorcas said to Lily near the end of their break. “I mean, of course, you’ve always been here but, with Snape…”

Lily fiddled with the bright pink wrapper and swallowed down five years worth of guilt on that front. “Yeah. It is nice…”

* * *

At first it was easy to get lost in the tangle of students also making their way to class but soon enough the crowds thinned and the corridors quieted the closer she came to the dungeons, especially as there weren’t that many NEWT potions students in her year. 

Which meant, rather unfortunately, she could quite clearly hear the rushing footsteps going straight for her, and she braced herself for them while also picking up her own pace.

She could almost see Slughorn’s door and thought she was in the clear but none too soon she heard a pleading, “ _Lily!_ ”

So close— she was so close, just a few more— 

Another pair of feet came speeding over, cutting in front of Snape but bumping into Lily in his rush. “Oops, sorry there, Evans...Snape.”

Severus glared at James, body going all sorts of tense and wary. His mouth looked like it wanted to curl around an insult but backed down at the look Lily threw him as she marched into Slughorn’s classroom. James followed close behind, plopping down into the stool next to hers.

Lily barely had time to level a proper scowl at him when Sirius came barreling in, knocking Severus out of the doorway completely. 

“Oi, Prongs,” Sirirus said, look of utter betrayal sketched on his handsome face as he regarded the pair of them sitting together. “Abandoning me so early in the year?”

“You idiot.” James kicked at the stool across from his. “There’s still room at this table.”

Lily narrowed her eyes and made to stand. Severus chose that moment to appear in Lily’s line of sight, looking straight at her rather pointedly. Coming to her own dreaded conclusion about this predicament, Lily shot James and Sirius a look each, though they attempted to look quite angel-like as they settled in, books and cauldrons arranged in front of them. 

The rest of the class comprised of several Slytherins, a three Ravenclaws, and only two Hufflepuffs, and they all divided into their respective Houses. They also, Lily noted with annoyance, eyed her, James and Sirius, _clearly_ waiting for it to blow up.

“Fine,” Lily huffed, ignoring the beaming look James sent Sirius when she said this, but feeling slightly relieved when Severus _finally_ sulked over to one of the Slytherin tables and sat. “But if you cost me my O, Potter, I’ll have your guts for garters.”

“Fear not, Evans. Dad’s a potioneer, I know my way around a cauldron.” 

“Oh!” The shocked gasp echoed through the dungeon and all eyes turned to Professor Slughorn, who’d appeared large as ever through the door at last. “What’s this— my dream team has separated?”

Lily shifted uncomfortably as he gestured at her and Severus, and she put on a patient smile. “Thought I’d try something new this year, Professor.”

“Now, Miss Evans,” Slughorn tutted, “one mustn’t repair what isn’t broken.”

“Oh, it’s broken,” Lily assured, “and long overdue, I’d say.”

Severus flushed an angry red but said nothing to defend himself, even while Slughorn looked helplessly between the two, finally realizing he’d walked into an awkward and personal situation. 

“Er, well…” the professor tried but Lily stared hard at him and he gave a resigned sigh. “Well, if you’re sure...Now! These potions of ours...”

* * *

The dungeon was hazy with a dozen and one brewing cauldrons when Lily finally gave in to the hollow feeling that nagged at her the entire class. She chanced a look up and across the room. 

Severus was busy with his potion, absorbed as he always was and nose deep in his book, scribbling away— but as if he sensed her gaze, he looked up and froze, eyes widening. Lily tore away and stared down at her own simmering potion, breathing hard through her nose.

James looked up from his cauldron, which simmered from his skilled preparation (Lily begrudgingly admitted), and frowned. “You okay?”

“Great,” fell hard from her mouth while she went to consult her textbook. She could still feel Severus’s eyes on her, burning as hot as the flame beneath her cauldron. 

James looked toward Severus and scowled. “Ignore that git.”

Lily snorted at the irony. “Like you do? Like you ignore every Slytherin who so much as breathes near you? What about that time at the lake?”

James turned a bit pink. “Er. That was just a bit of unfortunate...yeah…”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Lily repeated dryly, and then glared. “It’s none of your business. Leave it alone.”

James chewed on the inside of his mouth, making him look uncharacteristically uncertain, and then threw a glance at Sirius who was blatantly listening in, something unsaid passing between them. Sirius arched a haughty brow and shrugged.

Lily pointedly turned her body away, bowing her head to focus on her potion, and feeling a swell of resentment toward the pair of them, remembering all the times that had been her and Severus and feeling quite sorry herself for even slightly missing it. 

Lily heard James whisper something and then snicker, followed by Sirius, and Lily squeezed her eyes shut for a moment because it was just…

Even before The Lake Incident, Lily’s relationship toward the Marauders had always been one of animosity for their bullying of Severus. The infuriating part was that they’d always brushed away her anger whenever they hexed Severus, having already dismissed him as a typical Slytherin. Like her roommates, they didn’t understand her loyalty toward Severus but unlike her roommates, they didn’t care to respect it. 

Unlike her and Severus though, the Marauders shared the same interests— Quidditch and trouble-making, and their group harmony was one to be admired. United until the bitter end they were, which last term almost was, from what she’d witnessed. 

Sirius Black’s prank on Severus had almost splintered the Marauders apart. James and Sirius brawled, the latter sporting a brilliant black eye for a week after the event, and Remus and Peter being openly frosty toward Sirius. 

Lily, deep in her own pain toward Severus, secretly delighted in their break up, believing it was what they deserved. If they hadn’t strung up Severus after OWLs, he wouldn’t have called her _mudblood_ , and they would still be friends. Simple as that…

...But no, because Severus would still _think_ those vile things, she would be enabling him by constantly defending him…

But if Severus hadn’t been so angry with the Marauders all the time, maybe she could’ve gotten through to him better…

...Or maybe he’d still gravitate toward Mulciber and Avery…

Round and round her thoughts swirled over summer, all the while avoiding Severus by latching herself to a very unwilling and unhappy Petunia.

Months later, her general attitude had cooled but she still stung and so, while not her enemies, the Marauders were far from her friends. Watching them laugh and tease each other around Hogwarts, it was clear they had a more productive summer than she did, whatever wounds they carried healed. 

And that was it, really. The Marauders’ perfect friendship was just sort of salt in the painful burn that was her imploded one. 

* * *

When you are enemies with someone based on years of explosive anger caused by bullying your best friend, how often do you actually, _truly,_ ignore the shit they get up to? 

Answer: you don’t. At least, not when both parties spend the better part of the year in a secluded boarding school in the Scottish highlands. Sharing the same common room and tower and classes...

Lily held a lot of revered respect for the founders of Hogwarts but this particular logistics flaw was sometimes too large to overlook and she wished, suddenly, she had taken up the girls’ offer to study with them in the library. As such, try as she might to study, she ended up as an unwilling audience member of the Marauder’s antics.

This time, it was a flightless game of Quidditch, in which the Common Room floor appeared to be Devil’s Snare. Sirius and James has assumed the roles of opposing chasers while Peter gleefully snatched up cushions and tossed them around on the floor like some twisted version of a beater. Remus lounged with a book whilst simultaneously calling out a lazy commentary. 

“ _Goal!_ ” Sirius’s cry of triumph was met with cheers but he cut himself off rather quickly. “Remus, mate, pay attention.”

“Hmm? Oh right. Uh, another _superb_ goal by Sirius bringing the score up to, er...Wormy, what’s the score?” 

“Sixty to forty.”

“Right. Yeah. Sixty to forty...who’s winning?”

“Prongs.”

“Yes, him, he’s winning...Oh look, he has the waffle— _quaffle_. Christ, don’t look at me like that, it’s a dumb word— oh. Imagine that, Prongs scores again... okay, but honestly, I’ve got two pages left in this chapter— EURGHH.” 

Peter had lobbed a pillow in Remus’s direction which crashed into both book and face; Sirius came leaping over a moment later, bouncing onto the couch. Losing his balance, he fell into Remus’ lap. His barking laugh was cut off by another cushion thrown by Peter.

“Get _off_ , Padfoot.” And Sirius was unceremoniously thrown off the couch and onto the floor.

“Betrayal!” Sirius clutched at his heart. “How could you, Moony!”

Remus snorted and simply turned a page in his book. James swept to Sirius’s side and cheered his victory with arms raised over his head; cheers erupted and— well, the thing is...It _did_ look fun. Lily’s hand ached from writing so many inches of essays, her _back_ ached from hunching over her books for so long; if she didn’t have a literal pile of homework she might have joined. 

Might have…

If not for Severus’s scoffing voice in her mind: _arrogant, insufferable, swaggering, vain_ …

Lily Evans snapped.

She threw down her quill and stood violently from the table. Inks rattled, parchment rolled, and someone’s cat was startled away. “ _Will you lot shut up!”_

James fell over, grinning through flushed cheeks of someone clearly enjoying themselves, but he recovered quickly enough. “Aw, don’t be like that, Evans.”

“ _Some_ of us are trying to study.”

“Sorry for your loss.” James bowed in mock sympathy. “But you know there’s a library for that, right?”

“I shouldn’t be kicked out of _my own_ common room just because some arrogant twat wants to show off!”

(Meanwhile, Sirius hopped up onto the couch and leaned dramatically into Remus. “You know how I _know_ we’re back at Hogwarts,” he stage whispered while Remus rolled his eyes. “The dulcet notes of them ragging on each other...it’s good to be home.”)

“Ya know, I was sort of hoping you’d become more fun,” James grinned, “now that you finally ditched Snivellus.”

“Oh, proud of what you’ve done, are you? Ruining my friendship—”

“Wait, what? I didn’t ruin anything, he was bad from the start! It’s about time you realized it!”

“And how you dare bring him into this! Not after what you did to him last year!”

“Merlin, you’re _still_ defending him?”

Lily balled her hands into fists and glared fierce, her eyes dark with irrational anger. “You couldn’t just leave him alone, you _had_ to hex him— ”

“Yeah, what I did was shit,” James gaped. “But I didn’t make him call you— _that_. That was all him. And thanks to his creep ‘friends’.”

“Hey, Evans,” Sirius called, outright ignoring Remus’ hand smacking at him to shut him up. “Ever hear what Snivellus and his friends talk about in the corridors when you’re not around?”

Lily had the grace to blanch at this but she whirled on Sirius all the same. “That doesn’t give you the right to _bully_ them.”

Something dark flashed through Sirius’s eyes and Lily thought it looked suspiciously like shame— but his shrug a moment later was infuriatingly carefree. “Eye for an eye. I take care of my own.” He threw an arm around Remus’s shoulders and threw a grin at a red-faced James, and Peter, as if to prove this point.

Lily scoffed and crossed her arms, glaring daggers at the four Marauders, even Peter who had stayed silent this entire time. “Oh, I see— and everyone who isn’t _worthy_ of you is subject to your brand of justice.”

“It’s not like it’s hard, being worthy,” Sirius shrugged, still unbothered. “Just don’t be an arse. Clearly the Slytherins have a hard time with that concept.”

“The irony here is astounding,” Lily said flatly. 

“Yes,” Sirius nodded and adopted an offended look and gestured around. “People are _trying to study_ , Lily. And here you are, rowing with my best mate over… what again? A greasy git you’re _not_ friends with?” 

In the amused but awkward silence that followed, Lily suddenly became aware of everyone.

_Everyone._

Everyone staring, with poorly veiled looks of deep interest, eyes darting back and forth between her and the Marauders’ couch. James ducked down onto the arm of it, dazedly rubbing the back of his neck; Sirius patted his knee reassuringly. Peter eyed her carefully.

Lily snapped her mouth shut and turned back to her table and wordlessly gathered her things into her bag. “Remus.” He looked up. “Rounds in thirty minutes, yeah?”

One. Step. At a time. Back up to the dormitory, her back as straight as she could manage in an effort for dignity, rather than the burn of embarrassment welling inside of her. Slowly, life resumed; a tentative conversation here or there, followed by a giggle; exploding snap; the scratch of quills; the crackle of the fire. 

Lily Evans and James Potter mightn’t never have rowed.

* * *

Hogwarts at night had a certain haughty charm that very few were allowed to appreciate given curfew hours and, sometimes, bravery. Like every detail of the castle became heightened: the cavernous corridors draped in shadow; the occasional flicker of torchlight; the flowing draft that felt too much like a gentle whisper. 

Lily was lucky in that respect, being a prefect and all, that she was granted the privilege to see Hogwarts in this light. Or, no light, as it were, since the moon had finished its waning and hung dark in the sky, though the stars twinkled brightly as ever.

“I think I prefer the moonlight,” Lily said, gesturing at the tall windows lining the corridor. 

Remus stilled beside her. “Yeah?” 

Lily stomach dropped at his careful tone, realizing what she’d said. “It’s just aesthetics,” she hurried to explain.

Lily held out her hands in a square, effecting a picture frame. “I’d see this view in a fairy tale book and expect to see a damsel in distress, pining for her gallant knight. Or a ghost bride, drifting in despair for eternity…”

Remus huffed out a tiny laugh. “Who knew you were such a romantic...Don’t worry, I won’t tell James.” 

Lily smiled and stopped at one window, propping her elbows on the stone sill and leaning over; she couldn’t see below, only black where the Hogwarts grounds were, so she looked above. Despite her rocky history with his friends, Lily had always liked Remus. He and Peter were mild and sarcastic counterbalances to James and Sirius’ uproarious behavior. It was just a shame he was never found without the other three. 

A solid friendship, they had— continued to have, ever after their near falling out before the summer holidays. Though the heat of her argument with James was still fresh, she couldn’t help but feel resentful envy for how Sirius had stood up for him. 

“Ask you something?”

Remus leaned against the stone window frame, staying out of the moonlight’s reach, and made a consenting hum.

“Sirius...we’ve all heard stories about his family,” Lily said, and immediately Remus perked up. “But he’s...don’t tell him I said this, he actually seems decent, extracurriculars aside. But his family…”

“Why didn’t James turn out the opposite?” Lily snorted but quieted when Remus simply raised a brow, no smile or crinkle around his eyes. “No, really. It’d be painfully easy for James to rule his pureblood status over everyone. The Potters are wealthy and well respected, of course he’d have an ego to match.”

“You’re saying he _doesn’t_ have an ego,” Lily said, voice dripping in irony. 

“Everyone is a toerag when they’re young and proud and their friends enable their dumb ideas.” Remus shrugged. “He’s growing out of it.”

“Not fast enough…”

The side of Remus’s mouth turned up and he pinned her with a pointed look. “Ah, so losing your temper in front of the whole of Gryffiner _isn’t_ immature, then?”

“Er.” Lily blinked, her mouth opening to shoot out a retort but there is was again: that simmering embarrassment; she bowed her head, her mouth a thin line. “Everyone was studying and they’re just so…”

“Egotistical?”

“Yeah.”

“Insufferable?”

Lily mutely nodded. 

Remus shook his head. “Funny, I heard Severus Snape use those exact words yesterday. He says it a lot, actually.”

Lily squinted at Remus, trying to figure out where he was going with this. “He’s not wrong.”

“Really? Lily, you spent years only hearing Snape's biased side. And I’m certain you spent your summer contemplating your various epiphanies from last term, but you weren’t there to see them contemplating theirs.”

Lily’s mind shut down; she blinked...and opened her mouth...and couldn’t come up with anything to say and so she closed her mouth and stared down at her hands limp on the stone of the window. 

Remus was gentle when he asked, “do you know what James wants to do after Hogwarts?”

Lily squinted into darkness. “Sign for which ever Quidditch team offers him the most money?”

She didn’t have to look at Remus to know she was wildly wrong and even though that was the point, she still frowned, amazed to feel surprised.

“ _Anyway,”_ Remus nudged her, his voice light now, and Lily relaxed a smidgen. “Sirius. I think...part of it is who you surround yourself with…And what they hold valuable. Regulus...well, he’s in Slytherin, but Sirius is not.”

Five years ago, mandated by a talking and singing hat, she and Severus found themselves surrounded by vastly different people. Severus had hoped she would be sorted into Slytherin but looking back, how could she have been anything but a Gryffindor when all the others felt wrong? When the current attitudes of Slytherin bred animosity toward everything she and her friends were?

And why did it matter? It shouldn’t have, none of it, because he still…

“He still had me,” Lily muttered, and pushed herself away from the window, stopping when she caught Remus’s pointed look, like he knew exactly what she was saying without her actually having to voice it. 

He still had her yet he chose…

“You’re better off, you know.”

She turned toward the direction of Gryffindor Tower at that, away from Remus, to cover her rapidly blinking eyes. “I’m tired…” 

As she walked down the dark corridor, she could feel Remus watching her and she braced herself but was still unprepared when he said, “just so you know— they apologized. To Snape. We all did.”

Lily could not account for the tightening of her throat, nor the burning of her eyes, as Remus hurried along behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _People are people,  
>  and sometimes we change our minds,  
> but it's killing me to see you go after all this time..._  
> Taylor Swift, Breathe

Sixth year, it turned out, was promising to be Lily’s undoing. The few breaks she had were a godsend, for she needed every minute of them to finish her piles of essays and practice the magic they were learning.

Even the boys, who in previous years had made their mark on the school with pranks and games, had toned down their antics in favor of studying— something Lily never thought she’d see in all her time at Hogwarts. 

It was nearing midnight one night in early October that found the nine Gryffindor sixth years in the Common Room, blearily scrawling across parchment or red faced as they fervently tried to cast _one_ nonverbal spell. 

Lily had at least done that, the other day, when she got a pillow to lift off a couch with a silent _wingardium leviosa_. Higher level spells, however, still remained elusive— at least for the moment, as she was definitely sure she could smell ripe apples in the space in front of her; if she could just—

Wood clattered across the room, followed by a muffled scream of frustration, and everyone looked up to see Mary with her hands pulling at her hair.

“Who else here feels like McGonagall is speaking gibberish this year,” she said desperately.

“I thought her purpose as a teacher was to help us succeed,” Peter said, voice hollow, jabbing his wand at empty air where an apple was meant to appear.

“Pretty sure she’s moved on to torture this year,” Marlene grumbled. 

“And Ancient Runes,” Dorcas said darkly, “that actually _is_ gibberish.”

“Wait, Pete, you’re a bit shallow with your hand movement,” James said, and leaned over so he was spilling over the arm of the couch he shared with Sirius and Remus. “Here, it’s like— yeah, yeah— oi! You did it!”

Indeed: it was small, a little brown and spotted, but Peter had conjured the apple all the same and he smiled, his ears pink with pride. 

“Nice one, Wormy,” Sirius praised from where he lounged, his own apple in hand, already half eaten. 

James beamed at him but then Mary flung a cushion at him; it landed true, right on the side of his face, sending his glasses askew and charging that side of his black hair with static. 

“Don’t hold out, Professor Potter,” she glowered, “share with the class.”

James grumbled about assaults as he tried in vain to fix his hair so Remus sat up to supervise Mary’s wand movements. By this point, Lily had managed to finally conjure a lovely green apple that shone in the fireside light. 

“Hey, nice, Evans,” James said.

Lily looked up as James plucked her apple from the table and turned it around in his hands, inspecting it with an appreciative eye. As he handed it back to her, a half smile tugged at his mouth.

“Not about to run off for some darkened corner of the library, are you Evans?”

“No,” she said and then, remembering her conversation with Remus those few weeks ago, and not finding any reason not to be nice, added, “I rather like it up here.”

“Good,” James replied, “because we like having you around.”

The feeling, in Lily’s recollection, had never been mutual; anytime James Potter had shown up, trouble followed, always directed at Severus and she would spend the next week or so commiserating with Severus. It was rare that she ever enjoyed being in James’ presence and it was almost startling to realize that now was one of those times. 

* * *

Living in a magical castle was all grand and awesome for all its talking portraits, moving staircases, shortcuts, towers and musty library but eventually most residents were bound to chafe for new scenery and a chance to stretch their legs. 

Hogsmeade was a breath of fresh air. A day free of studying and squinting at ancient texts and the same (beloved, yes) stuffy corridors and faces. And it was a lovely autumn day for it, with golden beams of sun and a gentle, crisp breeze. 

Lily went alone, eager for some quiet time away from the castle and everyone else. She took her time walking down and, once in the village, stopped into Honeyduke’s for some chocolates and munched on them while browsing the bookstore and Scrivenshaft’s. Craving a butterbeer after purchasing some new ink, she left the stationary shop and ran face to face with Severus Snape.

Lily blinked up at him, her mouth popping open in surprise; Severus looked...as he always did. Pale, sallow, dark rings under his eyes. Pleading, almost desperate. Dread filled Lily, already tired from the encounter.

“Lily,” Severus breathed, firm in his standing, blocking her exit. “Can I—” 

“I thought I made myself clear before,” Lily said. “No.” She shoved past him, her shoulder making contact with his, and making him wobble on the shop’s front step but he recovered quickly enough and hurried after her.

“If you just listen to me,” Severus was saying, “we can go back to normal.” 

The Three Broomsticks was in view, just ten meters away, and the butterbeer called to her; she was certain her entire summer had been spent looking forward to this particular reunion. She could almost _taste_ it. She hurried her steps, but luck was decidedly not on her side for, when the pub doors opened next, Mulciber and Avery stepped out. 

Lily stopped short, as did Severus several paces behind her. The Slytherins, one hulking, the other slight, leered at her, but when Mulciber spoke, he addressed Severus.

“Still keeping company with filth, Snape? Thought you’d learned better.”

Severus said nothing, but rage filled Lily. “Watch your mouth,” she snapped, stepping around the both of them. 

“Feisty,” Avery sneered, “I can almost see the appeal, Snape, though she’d certainly have to be broken first.”

Lily’s blood curdled and she whirled around to see Mulciber laugh humorlessly. Severus had turned whiter than a ghost and he very carefully stared at the ground now. Lily felt a wave of disgust. Coward. 

“I’m sure it can be arranged,” Mulciber said, eyeing Lily. “What say you, Snape?”

But still Severus said nothing as she felt around in her pocket for her wand, narrowing her eyes at the three of them. “Lay one finger, one curse or hex on me, and I’ll make sure the lot of you are expelled.”

Mulciber smirked, finding this amusing. “You can try, but Dumbledore’s always been a bit soft.”

“Mudbloods and traitors,” Avery agreed, voice thick with hatred.

“Lily?”

Mary’s voice, wary but strong, carried over from where she stood in the Three Broomsticks’ doorway. Lily could see Marlene’s blonde curls over her shoulder, and both girls had their wands in view. 

Relief washed through Lily and she made to join them, saying over her shoulder, “that’s ten points from Slytherin. For foul language.”

She followed Mary and Marlene to a table by the window, where Dorcas and Evelyn were already sat, and shivered when she sank onto the empty stool.

“I feel like I need a shower,” she said to them all; Dorcas and Evelyn had matching looks of concern.

“Saw them from here,” Dorcas nodded at the window, which explained how Mary and Marlene knew to get her. “What’d they say?”

“Oh,” Lily sighed, “the usual. Sev— Snape wants to talk. Mulciber and Avery were disgusting brutes as usual. Hinted at ‘breaking me’. For Snape.”

The girls all gasped, horrified. “Oh my God,” Mary whispered. 

“Tell McGonagall,” Dorcas said. “The teachers need to watch him.”

Marlene slipped a comforting arm around Lily’s shoulders which she leaned into gratefully. “I took points off, but yeah…”

Evelyn murmured something about drinks, leaving the table with Dorcas a moment later. Lily glanced out the window; the Slytherins had gone but needless to say, her solo Hogsmeade retreat had been completely spoiled. 

The sugary warmth of the butterbeer Evelyn set before her helped, as did the girls’ happy chatter which, while seeming forced for Lily’s benefit at first, soon returned to lighthearted gossip. 

“Stebbins, really, Mary?” Marlene swirled the remains of her butterbeer, her brows low and unimpressed.

Dorcas turned to Evelyn, “didn’t you…” 

“Fourth year,” Evelyn waved an elegant hand indifferently. “He’s alright.”

“Fantastic,” Mary amended, beaming with her dark cheeks a dusty pink. 

“Is that where you’ve been disappearing at night?” Lily laughed, spirits firmly high again. “Wait— you too, Dorcas.”

Dorcas smiled devilishly and then sighed dreamily. “She’s a Ravenclaw. Sweet, with clever fingers…”

Marlene coughed then, rather violently. “Can you not—” She stood, red in the face, and avoided their startled faces. “Think Rosmerta will sell us some mead? I’m going to try.” She hurried to the bar, leaving behind a darkened mood.

The girls all exchanged glances. They all knew Dorcas preferred girls, ever since third year, but it’d never been a problem...Lily had _thought_ it’d never been a problem— she was certainly alright with it, and had been happy for Dorcas like any friend should…

Dorcas narrowed her eyes after Marlene, who’d now taken over a stool at the bar; her dreamy sparkle had faded into something like hurt. Lily recognized that look, or at least how it felt, and it took her back to that June afternoon by the lake… 

Lily frowned after Marlene, wondering, and then stood. “I’ll go, er, talk to her.” 

The bar was a gloomy place to be, with Marlene brooding over a fresh butterbeer. Apparently, Rosmerta would _not_ sell her any mead. Lily approached quietly, feeling a bit out of her depth but— Marlene had been there for Lily... 

“It’s a shitty position to be in, thinking your friend hates what you are.” Lily said conversationally, leaning into the bar beside Marlene, Mary appearing on the other side, having followed silently. 

Marlene startled, her mug sloshing, and she shot a stricken look over toward Dorcas. “I don’t— oh, bollocks.” She slumped, miserable. “That’s not…Oh, Merlin, I’m as bad as Snape, aren’t I?”

“You’re not,” Lily hurried to reassure, “this is different— but if it weren’t, at least you _know_ it’s wrong.” 

Mary squinted at Marlene, and then her face went soft. “Marls, are you...jealous? Is that what this is?” Marlene ducked her head, staring at her hands in her lap; Mary had guessed right. 

Despite her previous statement, that this was _different_ than her situation with Snape, Lily still felt a trickle of relief. Marlene _didn’t_ hate Dorcas, it was just. Different. A matter of the heart. 

"I saw her at King's Cross last month," Marlene whispered so, so softly, "and I just sort of... _knew."_

“Oh, Marlene,” Lily said, “...you should talk to her.”

“She’s got that Ravenclaw,” Marlene muttered, and then waved a dismissing hand with a deep breath. “And...I’ve never done this. With a girl, so I…”

Mary glanced over at Dorcas, whose face had hardened brittle bravado. “Well you can’t let her go on thinking you _hate_ her.”

“I know,” Marlene sighed. “I’ll apologize. Hopefully she’ll listen— Merlin, how do I explain? But I...I’m not ready, for the other thing.”

“When you are,” Mary said, rubbing at Marlene’s back comfortingly, “you’ll be great together.”

“If she ever wants me,” Marlene murmured, shooting a shy glance at Dorcas, but stood, determined by one thing at least. “Right, well, better right things— for the good of the dorm.” 

“For the good of your heart,” Lily encouraged, squeezing Marlene’s hand as she went. 

“Well,” Mary said as she drained the rest of Marlene’s butterbeer. “Wanna place bets on when _that’ll_ happen?”

Lily shook her head, squinting at Marlene as she sat across from Dorcas. She'd seemed small, fragile up here by the bar but now...it was like looking in a mirror; Lily recognized what it looked like to brush something off and bury it deep...Lily held up a hand to catch Rosmerta's attention.

"She's just admitted to something big about herself," Lily said. "Let's take care of her first." 

Lily knew...and she wasn't about to let Marlene go through this alone. Marlene had been there for Lily, and now it was Lily's turn for Marlene.

* * *

Stubborn, like a pimple on the center of her nose that just _wouldn’t leave_ , Severus was. Or at least his friends were, having taking their encounter at Hogsmeade rather personally. 

For the next few weeks, if Severus found Lily alone, he made a beeline for her. Thus, Lily had taken to walking to class with her roommates, even risking being late when it was a class they didn’t share. 

“I panicked, told Dorcas I also fancy the Ravenclaw girl,” Marlene hissed to Lily on the way up the Divination Tower. “Because how _do_ you explain you’re not homophobic, only jealous because you fancy the person you’re talking to, _without_ giving that last part away? I mean, it’s one thing to say, no I don’t hate you, but I had to back it up? With evidence? So now Dorcas at least knows that I fancy girls as well…”

“Er,” Lily did her best to follow all of this. 

“But maybe that’s a good thing!” Marlene half shouted, apparently still a disaster over the whole thing. “Because now Dorcas _knows_ about _me.”_

“Except she thinks you fancy the Ravenclaw,” Lily countered.

“Please,” Marlene brushed aside, “it’s Hogwarts. That’ll fizzle out soon enough."

And that was that. 

If the girls weren’t available, she went for other classmates. 

“Having a good term,” Lily said wearily to Emmeline Vance, this year’s Head Girl, staring straight ahead to avoid Severus’ burning stare. 

“Brilliant,” Emmeline muttered in a contrary tone, and hoisted her heavy bag meaningfully. 

The first time Lily saw the hulking form of Mulciber waiting outside her Transfiguration class, she hadn’t blinked an eye. Slytherins had Transfiguration after them, of course, and he was probably just...early. James Potter had, of course, noticed because he and Sirius had made it their business to be offended by his very existence, and so they glared until he slunk away.

When Avery appeared near Arthimancy, having no where near the intellectual capability for such a subject and therefore no reason to be there...Lily wondered for a moment...then shook her head. 

When _both_ of them loitered outside the Great Hall after dinner and looked up, straight at her, Lily halted with an intake of breath. It just so happened to be when James was also leaving dinner and he bumped into her with an “oh shit, sorry, Evans.”

Lily looked dazedly at him. “Hmm?”

James squinted at her. “Alright, Evans?” Then he scratched the back of his neck, sheepish. “Er. Genuinely asking. Not, you know...flirting…”

Lily blinked. “Potter— _what_?” 

“Er.” James opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Nothing. But seriously, you okay?”

Lily shook her head and cast a fleeting glance at Mulciber and Avery, still waiting out on the staircase up toward Gryffindor Tower. Mary and Marlene had left a bit earlier for the library and Lily was meant to meet them there— just had to grab her potions textbook first, but with them clearly waiting for her…

James followed her glance and his face darkened, all his usual mirth replaced by annoyance, anger. “Right. Follow me. I know the area.”

Lily laughed despite herself. “No shit, we _all_ know the area, we _live_ here.”

“No, I mean…” James rolled his eyes. “Just trust me.”

A quip about not trusting him as far as she could hex him bubbled up but she swallowed it when the more logical side of her considered: take her chances with Mulciber and Avery or— Christ, she couldn’t believe this is what her life had come to— _trust_ James Potter. 

_Ego_ , sneered Severus Snape…

 _Give him a chance_ , reminded Remus Lupin…

She really needed to finish her potions essay…“Ugh. Fine. Lead the way.”

James, it turned out, did indeed know the area well and took Lily down several corridors and passages that she had never even seen in her five years at Hogwarts. 

The man himself seemed to be suffering some sort of break down though, and he led Lily through with tense shoulders and even stiffer jaw. She had to squint to make sure he was even still breathing but there it was, chest out and in, out and in. He even looked at her once or twice, though he quickly darted his eyes back forward when they landed on her. 

Wait a minute. 

Lily quickened her steps and popped out in front of James; he stopped rather suddenly, shoulders raised in surprise, and she held back a snort. “Are you _frightened_ of me, Potter?”

His response came too quick and indignant. “ _No.”_

“You _are.”_

“Yeah, well.” James sputtered, apparently flabbergasted that she would call him out. “It’s hard not to be when you’re always shouting. At me. Specifically.”

It was rare that James Potter ever faltered and a year ago Lily might not have believed it possible. James Potter was a smiling, golden type— the star Quidditch player who pumped his fist in the air to hype up the crowd; the one who transfigured random objects into the most gaudy, intricate antiques because that took _technique_ and _talent,_ of which he had in abundance. 

James Potter wasn’t nervous, and he didn’t avoid looking people in the eye, and he could talk about anything...and yet— he was currently looking three inches to the left of her head and his hands were _fiddling_ with the hem of his sleeves. 

Because he _was_ nervous. To be with her. 

Because she yelled at him...

“Remus said I do that. Er. I’m sorry.” 

James blinked at her but nodded. “Thanks...what else did Moony say?”

Lily bit her lip a moment, unnerved by how easily James brushed off her inadequate apology but also relieved they weren’t going to dig deep into it. “Why do you call him that?”

James looked sideways at her and was silent for a second. When she didn’t raise her voice at him, he winked at her, his wilted self unfurling into relaxed mirth. “Beautiful as the moon, our Remus is.”

Hmm. 

“How’d you find out about these shortcuts?”

James’ mouth twitched in a secret smile and he side stepped her and carried on down the dark passage. “Sorry Evans, can’t spill Marauder secrets.”

They reached the end of the passage and James pulled back a heavy tapestry that led out to just east of Gryffindor Tower. Lily’s brows rose as she stepped out. James leaned against the hidden archway, looking incredibly pleased with himself.

“You should be clear from here,” he said, looking this way and that for any sign of Mulciber or Avery, though they only saw a few swishing red and black robes of fellow Gryffindors making their way to the Tower. “I’ve got to get going though. Detention.”

Lily quirked a brow. “Hexed a Slytherin?”

“Little faith,” James shook his head mournfully. “I’m cleaning up my act— I’m sure you’ve noticed. Not one hexed classmate this year.”

As a matter of fact, Lily had _not_ noticed, simply because she was not in the habit of keeping track of James Potter’s every move unless they happened to occur right under her nose. Even if she did, she certainly didn’t have the brain waves to _care_ , not lately. But James still puffed his chest out, proud of the achievement of being a well behaved student like the rest of them. 

Lily rolled her eyes. “How’d you get detention, then?”

“Replaced Filch’s floor cleaner with frogspawn.”

Ah, so that’d been what _that_ uproar had been about. Lily shook her head. “Incredible…Well go, before you’re late.”

“Aw, Evans, you care.” James looked touched at this prospect and it was clear he was fighting back a smile. 

“Bugger off, Potter.” Lily took a step back. “Just don’t want you blaming me for another detention.”

 _"You_ did not drag _me_ into this passage. And really, what’s one more detention after...” James looked up and seemed to be doing some mental math and Lily’s brows disappeared into her hairline in disbelief.

“...you _lost track_.”

“...fifteen?”

“Potter— it’s only _October— how—”_

“ _GottagoEvansbye_.” 

James let the tapestry fall back, completely covering any sign of him and the passage. Not even a shadow or sound of his retreating feet. Lily took a long look at it, generally befuddled over the past twenty or so minutes, but she shook her head of it and made to go back to Gryffindor Tower. 

“Wait, Evans!”

Lily almost tripped but caught herself and spun to see James poking his head through the tapestry. 

“Mary is snogging Andrew Stebbins, right?”

Er. 

“Yes?” Lily said carefully, remembering Marlene teasing Mary about it the week before.

“Thought so,” James nodded, and then winced, “Before she carries on with that...er...maybe tell her something…”

* * *

The thing about living full time in a secluded boarding school in the Scottish Highlands was that you’re basically surrounded, at all times, by roughly several hundred _Others_ you just sort of are forced to adopt into your orbit. 

Like, siblings. If you squint.

Eleven years old was far too young for any parent to wipe their hands and say, “job well done, that’s a finely raised child! My work here is done!” (Though of course, it didn’t seem to stop _some.)_ As such, most first years at Hogwarts were _exactly_ their age: needy, whingey, easy to upset. (But a little too cute for their own good, not that Lily was ever victim to their sweet puppy eyes.) 

So, aside from a few scalding letters from home a year, the responsibility in turning these children into functional adults fell to the teachers and prefects, usually in the form of _“Just because Sirius Black and James Potter had a dungbomb throwing competition in History of Magic, doesn’t mean you should too!”_

As a prefect, Lily has had that conversation far too many times, most often with younger years. Sometimes though, lessons of common sense and respectability fell on the wayside or were missed or ignored completely, and had to be learned by older years as well.

For example: one must never date Andrew Stebbins because he, apparently, saw no problem with snogging two other girls behind their backs. 

“Drink up,” Marlene told Mary, placing a cup of tea in her hands and climbing into the bed beside her. 

Dorcas came with a box of tissues on the other side of Mary; she scoffed at them and waved the box away, mumbling that she wasn’t a moping damsel. Indeed, her dark eyes glittered with far too much rage to be called that.

Dorcas just shrugged and tossed the box away. “Anyway. He’s an absolute wanker.”

“True git of a man,” Marlene agreed with great sage. 

Marlene and Dorcas had made up after Hogsmeade, to the dorm’s general relief, and other than a few longing glances from Marlene, and curious ones from Dorcas, there hadn't been any problems. In fact, it had been them who called together this meeting after Lily broke the news to Mary.

“Rotten apple of Hufflepuff.” Evelyn chimed in, having entered the room with a plate of chocolate biscuits she’d been sent to nick from the kitchen.

“Womanizing sod.”

“A negative thirty to your dazzling thousand.”

Dorcas, Marlene and Evelyn looked to Lily, who still sat at the end of her bed, for support. 

“Personality of a dying flubberworm,” Lily added with a firm nod.

Having Petunia as a sister had robbed her of this sort of sisterly comfort because that simply was not Petunia’s way. But Lily was happy that living at Hogwarts provided it in a different capacity: four roommates. Usually though, she’d missed these times due to spending her time with Severus but Lily was happy to find she slotted in quite easily in comforting Mary. 

“But he’s got the ass of a god,” Mary lamented miserably.

“Yes, he’s fit,” Marlene nodded. “But arguably so is Lockhart and. _Well.”_

The girls all stared off at some random point in the dorm room and contemplated the unfortunate spectacle that was Gilderoy Lockhart, with his robes charmed to a sheen and with that pompous wave of hair. 

Lily flinched, “Christ, remember when he plagiarized something McGonagall wrote in _Transfiguration Today?”_

“He once cornered me and Evelyn in the library,” Marlene said with a vague look of traumatized disgust. Evelyn nodded in confirmation, gaze far gone. “Tried to get me to do his astronomy chart _while_ asking me out— and then Evelyn when I turned him down!” 

The girls shivered and Mary sighed. “But Andrew…”

“Made out with Verity Thompson _and_ Emma Creely. In the same week,” Evelyn was quick to remind her, gently brushing away a lock of Mary’s hair. “I’m sorry, love, he wasn’t this awful in fourth year…”

“Next time I see him, he’ll be lucky to snog again,” Mary said with passion.

“Yes, dear.” Marlene gently, nudging the cup of tea still in Mary’s hand. “Let’s take it slow first.”

“Biscuit.” Evelyn shoved the plate forward and the girls happily dug in. They spent the rest of the night passing around abuse about Andrew Stebbins, boys in general, and the various hexes Mary could let loose on Stebbins.

“As prefect,” Lily said loftily, biscuit raised in warning at the girls, “it’s my duty to remind you how terribly wrong it is to hex a fellow classmate.”

“Great,” Mary shrugged. “You warned us. Now seriously, how do you make a Howler?”

“More important.” Dorcas ignored Lily’s eye roll. “How do you make them anonymous?”

The thing about living with a couple hundred siblings in an isolated boarding school for magic, in the Scottish Highlands was this: there was no escaping when the reckoning came for being a little shit. 

Similarly: there was no bond stronger than the one between four scheming teenage witches seeking revenge. 

* * *

That Thursday was the typical Hogwarts affair: a full day’s classes, a couple premature exam related breakdowns (OWL or NEWT, didn’t matter), a lovely dinner, and cliques headed for their preferred study spots. 

Marlene and Mary took their time with dinner, luxuriating in the hearty beef stew and savoring every single bite of the chocolate pecan pie. Marlene had brought a book and propped it against her (empty) goblet, taking her time with each page. Mary lovingly sketched a series of flowers on a spare bit of parchment. 

Evelyn and Dorcas chatted beside them and it was really just lovely, the five roommates sharing a dinner together, none of them rushed to homework or Quidditch practice or divided into separate groups.

Lily, seeing straight through them, resisted the urge to snort into her pumpkin juice. Honestly, she could practically see the devil horns holding up their halos.

None of them had any thoughts of essays or exams, relaxed as they were, and honestly Lily wished every night was like this; the stew’s meat was tender, and pie rich. The weather also seemed to be taking part in their mini holiday; the magical stars sparkled especially bright, even with all the torch light lining the Great Hall.

Lily couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this serene...certainly not summer, when she was avoiding Severus and Petunia was waxing sonnets about her new boyfriend, Vernon— which...Lily just didn’t understand. The man looked as if becoming a judgmental walrus were his only career aspiration. 

But speaking of sonnets…

The girls had come to dinner the moment it became available upon the table and found seats that overlooked the rest the Hall. Students went on about their business, filing in and out of the Hall as was their leisure; occasionally, the girls’ eyes would flick up and briefly, disinterestedly, take note of certain people, such as the sixth year Gryffindor boys, Verity Thompson, Andrew Stebbins... 

They carried on; Marlene turned a page, Mary added a petal. Lily turned her gaze upward and picked out constellations in the enchanted ceiling. Andrew Stebbins ate his stew, drank several goblets of pumpkin juice and cut himself a slice of pie. 

Across the hall, Verity Thompson loudly blew her nose; Emma Creely violently tore into a dinner roll while shooting daggers at Andrew Stebbins. Remus and Peter debated the merits of British wands versus European wands. Lily caught James’ eyes once, as he faced her while speaking to Sirius, and nodded a greeting. Snape outright stared at her and she pointedly ignored him.

All was right on this pleasant Friday evening.

Lily found Gemini just as the evening post swept through the Great Hall.

Being a regular occurrence, nobody really paid it much mind, not at first. Soon though, there was a dip in conversation as a few people caught sight of an owl carrying a bright red envelope; curious muttering rose as everyone realized it was a howler. They watched as it dropped from the owl’s claws. 

Andrew Stebbins startled in fright when it landed in front of him, spewing hot steam; conversations ceased as everyone waited for him to open it.

“WHAT HAVE I GOT TO DO TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME.”

“Oh Merlin,” Andrew yelped, red faced, as several harmonized female voices belted Elton’s new single from the envelope.

“WHAT HAVE I GOT TO DO TO MAKE YOU CARE.”

“What the fuck,” Sirius Black could be heard between lines. 

“Language, Black,” Professional McGonagall barked as she swept over to him and his group. “I take it this is your doing?” Her eagle eyes swept over the four of them.

“We don’t even know what _this_ is,” Remus said, brows high as he watched Stebbins. 

“Why’ve _we_ got something to do with this,” Peter asked, as if he didn’t know his own track record.

“Minnie, really,” Sirius looked highly offended, “you know what they say about assumptions.”

James sighed. “Makes an ass of—”

“LANGUAGE.”

“IT’S SAD, SO SAD,” the howler carried on. Stebbins glowered silently, resigned to wait for the end while his friends gallantly tried not to laugh. “IT’S A SAD, SAD SITUATION.”

“I’ll say,” Mary sighed, sparing Stebbins the briefest of glares before she was back at her flowers which had now developed some wicked looking thorns.

Lily just took another bite of her pie. 

Marlene looked up from her book in vague irritation. “Bit loud in here, isn’t it?”

Lily set down her fork. “Library?”

Mary shot Stebbins a disgusted look and rolled up her parchment. “Might as well.”

“I’ve got a letter to send home,” Evelyn sighed.

“I’ll walk with you,” Dorcas offered, and that was that.

The five girls gathered their things and leisurely made their way from the Hall and all the racket. Calm and composure carried their steps, their smiles light, as the howler launched into the final verse. 

The girls brushed past McGonagall, still raining fury on the (for once) innocent Marauders and Lily might have felt a twinge of guilt, but there was no way the prank could be linked to them. 

“OOOooOOH, IT SEEMS TO ME…”

Cracking, just a bit, Lily let out a snorting giggle and the sound caught James’ eye. They stared at each other, just a split second, and somehow Lily knew that James knew. A grin twitched on his lips.

“THAT SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD.”

* * *

It felt good to laugh. 

It felt good to lean a hand on Mary and Marlene’s shoulders and feel her face splitting into unflattering hilarity, and for her laughter to weave through theirs. She felt lighter for allowing herself to succumb, for once, to this rather than pull up a mask of disapproval for Severus’ sake. 

Lily’s stomach still ached from the gasping laughter by the time they made it up to the library and settled into their homework. 

_Thunk!_ The three girls jumped halfway out of their seats at the bag that had been placed directly on their table. James Potter and Sirius Black followed suit, dropping into the two free seats at their table.

“That howler certainly gave a rousing performance tonight, didn’t it?” Sirius said, casual as you please.

“Dumbledore gave a standing ovation,” James nodded. 

Sirius leaned his chair on two legs and smiled charmingly at the girls. “Wonder who got the inspiration.”

Mary narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s a rather heartfelt song, yeah?”

“Newest single,” Marlene added, “very popular.”

“You lot were rather unimpressed,” James leaned in, “Elton not your thing?”

“Weren’t you snogging Stebbins earlier this week?” Sirius added to Mary.

“ _Subtle,”_ Lily rolled her eyes.

“Verity Thompson and Emma Cleerly, too” James confirmed. 

Mary’s brows shot up. “You tipped off Lily— how’d you even know?”

Sirius shrugged with a haughty air. “Information is power.”

“Funny thing is,” James turned his attention to Lily, a knowing glint in his hazel eyes as he regarded her. “I could have sworn I saw you going up to the owlery earlier.”

Their staring match was one for the ages. Lily maintained a stone face even as James’ smile remained steady and patient, the bloody git. She wondered just how bad his eyesight was without glasses; she wondered if his mouth ever got tired from smiling _so much_ ; she wondered if he bothered to condition his hair. 

She refused to break. 

“Good Godric, just kiss already,” Sirius groaned, snapping back on four legs.

_Christ._

“Sent the howler with an Untraceable spell,” Lily folded, looking away from James’ tomato red face. 

Lily hadn’t particularly _wanted_ to do it but the other girls had deemed it safest, since her voice wasn’t used in the song, nor had she snogged Stebbins. Besides, she’d only warned them against _hexing_ classmates…

A strange look bloomed on Sirius’ face as he processed the fine operation that was their prank. He actually looked impressed. “That’s brilliant. I could kiss you for how brilliant. Simple and brilliant. Why’ve we never thought of it before, Mr. Prongs?”

“Clearly our own brilliance is lacking, Mr. Padfoot.” James sighed. “The ladies’ first prank and it was a brilliant execution. McGonagall didn’t suspect a thing— except us. Brilliant.”

“Stop saying _brilliant.”_ Mary kicked each boy under the table, making them yelp and earn a glare from Madam Pince.

Marlene, however, looked between the boys, a touch hesitant.“You won’t go to McGonagall, will you?”

Both James and Sirius looked appalled and offended by this inquiry— though, Lily thought, it was fair. Best to cover every base. She did her best to look intimidating as she waited for the boys’ answer. 

“Put your hairy eyeball away, Evans. _Merlin.”_ Sirius shivered and scooted a couple inches away from her.

“We’d never betray a colleague,” James reassured. 

“Unless you’re a certain greasy Slytherin git.” _Whack._ “Er. Shit. Sorry, Evans.”

Lily had almost laughed at James’ violent attempt to quiet Sirius but now she shrugged indifferently because what did it matter to her now? She’d accepted what happened, took the loss, and moved on. It was fine. 

Fine. 

“Speaking of, they’re not still following you around, are they?”

Mary and Marlene’s heads swiveled toward Lily and she now had half a mind to kick James herself. 

“It’s fine,” Lily dodged, knowing the girls would pry an explanation from her later.

“ _Not an answer,”_ James sang. 

“ _Fine,”_ Lily insisted, louder this time. Madam Pince shot a piercing glare at her for disrupting the general peace again and she did her best to look contrite. “Thanks for not turning us over to McGonagall.”

James and Sirius both affected bows, even going so far as to tip imaginary hats at them. Somehow it made them look more like prats than ever. “Congratulations, ladies.”

They both stood from the table and Sirius winked at them. “Should you ever wish to collaborate…”

“You know where to find us,” James finished. 

The girls watched them leave, disappearing behind the looming bookshelves with a swish of their robes and Sirius laughing at something James said on the way. When the library quieted again, Lily turned back to Mary and Marlene.

“Why did that sound ominous rather than inviting?”

Mary sighed wistfully. “Why is Sirius Black so handsome...”

“Oh, _not again Mary._ Why are you keeping secrets from us, Lily?”

“Shh, I’m trying to finish my essay.”

* * *

The dorm room, Lily promised them, and managed to make them wait another hour— enough time to finish her essay. But that now done, Mary and Marlene hurried her from the library. 

It was nearing curfew, and the dark corridors were empty save for a few students here or there rushing back to their common rooms, a sense of urgency following in their wake, especially as Emmeline Vance ushered along everyone she saw.

“Oh, _for Merlin’s sake,_ the Hufflepuff Common Room is not— south staircase, _please,_ Carwell— oh, hiya, Lily. Rounds tonight?”

“Ravenclaw’s turn,” Lily replied, hiking her bag up more securely on her shoulder. 

“Great— oh, but do me a favor? Run up and scare anyone away from the Astronomy Tower? I swear if I catch Stebbins _again—”_

Lily gave a little salute and pivoted toward said tower. “Got it.”

“Wait, Emmeline.” Mary moved forward, stopping the Head Girl from continuing on down the corridor. “Mind if we go with Lily? Only, Mulciber and Avery are _apparently_ stalking her around.” She gave Lily a hard, annoyed glare for keeping it from her.

Emmeline stopped in her tracks and her elegant brow rose at Lily. 

“They haven’t done— it’s fine,” Lily huffed. “Really, they haven’t done anything, I can take care of myself.”

“No magic in the corridors,” Emmeline said automatically and as if on cue, her Head Girl badge flashed in the torch light. It was hollow though, just what she was expected to say in her position, but her pretty face pinched up in irritation for this rule...and she sighed. “Yeah, you lot go together. Be careful.”

Lily scowled at that and pointedly started walking briskly. “Just for that I’m going alone. I’ll not be afraid of my own school.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Mary hurried over, her bag whacking awkwardly against her leg. “Lily, you can’t just—”

“Yes I can, I live here. I have as much right to sulk through the dark as them.”

“But you’re not threatening curses!”

“I know how to block!”

“Er...Mary..?”

The four girls stopped and turned; Andrew Stebbins stood, alone, wringing the hem of his jumper between nervous hands. Mary was right; Stebbins _was_ quite handsome, but in a...commercial sort of way. Blonde hair, blue eyes, strong jaw...nothing unique or interesting about him. Just a handsomeness that looked good on a Christmas card. 

But right now he watched Mary with apprehension. 

Mary crossed her arms, raised her chin, and seemed to channel some of Sirius Black’s haughtiness. “Stebbins.”

“Er. Can we talk?”

Best leave them be; Lily would hear all about it later, anyhow. Emmeline and Marlene had sidled up to each other, plainly interested in the proceedings but Lily shuffled away before anyone else could notice. 

* * *

Once, at the Slugclub Christmas party last year, Lily had been caught under the Mistletoe with Dirk Cresswell. Considering their company, it’d been a chaste little kiss but somehow it’d still been magical— which might have been due to the fairies hiding in the pine garland around them. 

After, Lily and Dirk had snuck out of the party and he’d led her up to the Astronomy Tower where, under the stars, they snogged well into the night. Until the patrolling Slytherin Prefects caught them, of course. 

No one was here now though. Maybe because it was Thursday and who goes in search of a snog on Thursday? Or maybe they didn’t want another Stebbins on their hands. Sort of killed the mood when someone got caught for cheating and then publicly shamed by way of singing howler. 

Lily stopped her ascent, her hand on the smooth rock of the tower, and looked back behind her.

It was dark back down the way she came. 

She took a seat on the spiral staircase, somewhere up in the middle, and thought for a moment. 

She pranked someone. But James Potter was not.

A year ago things made sense. This was her home and she had her friends and her lessons and a spotless record. (Technically, her record was still spotless, McGonagall hadn’t caught her but— principles and conscience and all that.) 

A year ago, Severus would have walked her... _most_ of the way back to Gryffindor Tower. She’d awkwardly make small talk with Mary and Marlene. She wouldn’t be paired with James Potter in Potions of all things. She wouldn’t _enjoy_ studying with him either, or aching in the stomach from laughter. 

The world was off kilter.

Mulciber and Avery would probably still stew in hatred toward her but they’d keep their distance for Severus’ sake. That sort of twisted courtesy had apparently been abandoned this year. 

What ever happened to the magical castle, where she could learn about potions and making things fly? Where she could _fly?_

When did it turn into... _this?_

Lily dropped her chin in her hands and huffed out a sigh, glaring down the way she came. 

Mulciber and Avery...she should get back to the Common Room but she’d properly cornered herself here. 

She wasn’t afraid of the dark— hadn’t been since she was a small child. Monsters and ghosts and all that, well— it was hard to fear them when you study textbooks about the former and live with several of the latter. Logic and exposure, what a gift. 

But Mulciber and Avery...Even Regulus Black and all the other Slytherins...humans were always the more terrifying creatures when it came down to it. At least that’s what history said. 

It was so horribly easy for a wizard to hide in the dark. 

Lily stood. This was ridiculous. This was her _home_ and— 

Footsteps, down the stairs. At least two pairs moved up, so soft and slow, and the shadows twisted and surged forward to form into two familiar shapes. Lily’s hand found her wand and she gripped the willow handle, her mouth waiting for her to breathe life to the first hex that came to mind— 

Mary and Marlene came round the curve of the stairs, both holding their own wands and looking flighty and guarded. When they saw Lily, they both relaxed in relief and slumped against the stone walls.

“Don’t— do that!” Lily put a hand to her racing heart. “You know what’s happening and you— _Christ.”_

“Sorry, Lils.” Marlene did look pale from her own anxieties, and sheepish. “It’s just so— quiet tonight. Who knows what’s up here.”

“No Slytherins at least,” Lily said darkly. She skipped down the stairs to meet the other two girls. “Or anyone, weirdly enough. Ugh. C’mon let’s get out of here before someone _does_ show up.”

Being out in the wider, regular corridors— the ones with more than one exit— was a comfort. Lily almost wanted to lay down and really appreciate it, like the people in films who kiss the ground after a rough flight. She did allow herself to cling to both Mary and Marlene’s arms as they hurried back to Gryffindor Tower, affection for them a gentle flicker within her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, and despite what the song quote at the beginning might suggest, I absolutely don't think Lily and Snape's relationship was in any way romantic (at least on her part). What I do believe is that, no matter the circumstances surrounding, losing a friend can be quite devastating. I'm obviously sympathetic towards Lily in this case and I just want her to be okay...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _"...put my injuries all in the dust,_  
>  _...in my heart it's the five of us..."_  
>  -Vanessa Carlton, White Houses

The next day, Lily found herself alone in the east courtyard.

Buttery autumn sunlight filtered through the Gothic arches, golden but chilled. A few straggling leaves, colorful and crisp, held on even as a brisk breeze ruffled through them.

Lily loved this courtyard; loved the touch of wildness it commanded, with the ivy creeping upwards in spring, and the bundles of dried leaves in autumn. It was one of the places in Hogwarts where she felt she was truly magical. Never mind the bubbling potions in the dungeons or the flying brooms or the owls swooping in at breakfast— _this_ spot made her feel like an elven princess. 

Not that her heart was really committed to the fantasy right now; it felt unsteady and jittery. Her knee bobbed vaguely up and down but not to any discernible beat.

A leaf was plucked off the tree nearest to her and she watched it flutter through the air and land at the feet of a figure on the other end of the courtyard. 

This was it.

Lily filled her lungs bracingly as she met Severus’ eyes and he made his way over looking eager, relieved...far too optimistic for her mood. 

There was enough room on her bench for at least two other people but she gestured at the one next it before he came too close. He held a bit of parchment that she knew possessed her hurried scrawl. 

_Can we meet?_

“Lily,” Severus breathed, “how are you?”

Sometimes the hurt he caused would creep in and squeeze at her heart. She’d lay in bed, staring up at her canopy, wondering if it’d be easier if they were okay, because she didn't know how much longer she could stay strong. But then morning would come it’d be gone. 

“Fine.” There wasn’t any bite in the statement and no substance either. It just fell out and there it was— hardly encouraging for him and she watched him struggle for what came next.

“Lily…” Severus bowed his head, his long hair falling in his face and hiding it with even more shadow. His fingers played with the parchment scrap in his hands. “Lily, it’s been months, and you...can’t we be friends again?

Was she too harsh? 

They had such good times, before. He spun wonderful, amazing tales about Hogwarts and made her feel so magical and special. He had been her rock, a reminder of Cokeworth when she felt homesick or lost in this world. It was them versus the world, proving Slytherins and Gryffindors could be friends.

And then it all slapped her in the face.

Lily drew in a breath. “Are you still friends with Mulciber? Avery? Are you still skulking around reading Dark Arts books? Attending shifty meetings in the Hog’s Head— did you think I didn’t _notice_ you hiding that stuff from me? Manipulating and _lying_ to me?”

Serevus visibly flinched…

...but said nothing.

“Then no.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Severus’ shoulders rise up in defense as he blurted, “it’s not that easy—”

“Isn’t it? Sirius Black comes from one of the most notorious pureblood families and but even he got away.”

“ _Easy,_ when you have that arrogant toerag Potter protecting you,” Severus muttered nastily, the words thick with bitter rage.

“You had _me,”_ Lily shot back. “And you know, having Potter’s protection doesn’t seem much of a bad thing. His _beliefs_ don’t _hurt_ anyone. And his friends seem to trust him. If you really wanted...if none of that _bullshit_ mattered, you would have trusted _me._ I would have helped you.”

“There’s nothing you...” Severus trailed off and shook his head, and something about it, the dismissal— like he knew what she was capable of better than her— set her off. 

“I can take care of myself!” 

Severus’ mouth thinned into what she knew to be disagreement which was fuel to her fire.

“Top marks in every subject is nothing to sneeze at. It’s not just flair and tricks, I’m _good_ at magic. Or have you forgotten I’ve beaten you and most of Slytherin in every subject except Potions?” Lily stood and even though he had several inches on her, Severus looked smaller than her as she glared at him. “My friends are not just pretty eye candy— they _have my back_ and they won’t tire of me and throw me away!”

Severus’ head snapped up and he looked so stricken that Lily almost faltered. “Like you’ve thrown me away?”

Lily gaped, shocked and then laughed, hollow, unable to believe— but Snape was so sincere in his belief that what he had done paled in her response. Because to him, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Lily shouldered her bag. “I didn’t throw you away. This isn’t immature playground pettiness. I’m tired of turning a blind eye and making excuses for you. There are some great people at this school, Snape, and the great majority of them have muggle blood. If you can’t see and embrace that, or admit that you’re wrong...Then we have nothing to talk about.”

A strong gust of wind swept through the courtyard, pulling off more leaves and stirring up the piles on the ground. They crunched under Lily’s feet as she walked away but Snape stood rooted in his spot, hands limp at his side. With the sun setting, it had grown cold; dinner was nearing and she was hungry and eager for the warmth of the Great Hall and her friends.

But admonishing Snape wasn’t why she’d wanted to meet him; she remembered the real reason when she reached the courtyard’s threshold and looked into the shadows. She stopped and turned, ignoring Snape’s hopeful step forward.

“There is one thing I’ll never forgive you for,” she said quietly, her hand slowly reaching for wand. “Hogwarts is supposed to be my _home_. It’s a _school_ and I...it’s hard to feel safe. You took that away. You and your friends. Mary and Marlene know where I am. They know to look for me in case…”

Snape swore under his breath, though it was hard to tell if it was because what she was insinuating or her mention of her friends. 

“You’re a big boy Snape,” Lily said, louder this time, so that the shadows could hear. “If you can join the Death Eaters, you can fight your own battles. Tell your _friends_ to leave me alone, you’ve lost this one.”

James Potter seemed to appear out of nowhere, wide eyed like a deer before a hunter. One second Lily was rubbing warmth back into her arms and the next he was at her side, startling her, and stuffing something billowy into his bag. He took one look at her wobbling chin and blinking eyes and frowned. “Are you okay?”

Lily just sniffled and looked away.

“Well,” James said bracingly. “Mary and Marlene have dinner for you upstairs...care for a walk up?”

Part of Lily wanted to say no, just to keep up precedent. Five years of bickering was hard to wash off but James looked genuinely concerned...which is why the other part won out. Lily silently nodded.

There were far worse walking partners than James Potter. Honestly it was kind of sweet of him to offer.

* * *

“Just real quick.”

“No.”

“Just to fetch a book.”

“No, and that’s final.”

“I don’t even like Quidditch.”

 _“Yes,_ you do. You’re all decked out in Gryffindor pride. Look, scarf and everything.”

“Because it’s _cold.”_

“Lily, we do this _every year._ Shut up and have fun.”

“Uughh.”

“Oi! Boys!”

Lily crossed her arms and huffed out a breath, disturbing her fringe as Sirius, Remus and Peter elbowed their way through the crowd. Like everyone, they were covered in scarlet and gold which literally sparkled in the autumn sun. 

As they settled in, Lily and Mary glared over at each other until...Lily, mature prefect, stuck her tongue out and looked out into the pitch. There was no real conviction in their bickering; Mary was right, this happened every year.

Quidditch was...complicated for Lily. At least, the first match, Gryffindor versus Slytherin. Former best friend dynamics and all...And the ego boost it gave certain Gryffindor boys was just insufferable...and honestly it was just a sport, who _cared?_

The players came onto the field, to a surge of cheers and jeers alike, though the latter were pretty well drowned out. Lily stayed stubbornly silent, as did Sirius. Beside him, Peter waved a scarlet banner in face obnoxiously while Remus, pale as ever, nudged him encouragingly. Longing filled Sirius’ eyes as he watched his best friend soar through the air, but his stance was easy. Not weighed down by his punishment but accepting. After her argument with Snape the other day, the contrast was sharp. Reaffirming. Sirius knew he’d been wrong, Snape didn’t. 

The cheering surged. The quaffle was thrown out and the snitch released. Both teams soared through the air, Gryffindor getting possession of the quaffle right off and keeping it. Lily’s ear was almost blown out by Sirius when James scored first in the game.

Mary was right though: complicated or not, the atmosphere shot straight through her, straight to her heart. Cheers, stomping and clapping; the beaming smiles of every Gryffindor as James led them to victory; the irrational fury that boiled every time Slytherin possessed the quaffle. And watching the players weave through each other— watching James and Marlene do that thing, where they dived low and fast and then shoot back _up_ , faster than she could blink— it just took her breath away every single time.

Mary threw her arms around Lily as they jumped and screamed with delight when Marlene leveled out, hurled the quaffle at the Slytherin Keeper, and scored. 

“I fucking _told you_.”

“Still fucking cold— _Oi, Potter— watch out—_ ow.”

Sirius and Peter hurled abuse at Crouch for hitting the bludger at James and losing Gryffindor another ten points. 

Slytherin jeered, Gryffindor roared. James scored. 

Lily’s face hurt from smiling. 

* * *

There were times when Lily would find herself alone in the castle. They all had different lives they only just danced around. Marlene had Quidditch, Mary had herbology and spent long hours in the greenhouses. Evelyn and Dorcas both had other friends in other Houses...the Marauders disappeared. Or, other times, they would all be in the Common Room but there’d been a Quidditch game that greatly impacted the Mood. 

If Gryffindor won, there’d be a party that raged into the early hours of the morning and dragged McGonagall from her bed. 

If Gryffindor lost, it’d be a pathetic pity fest of the ages, all glum drama and dark spirits. 

Both were excuses to avoid the Common Room as Lily was nothing if not firm in her commitment to be neutral where Gryffindor versus Slytherin was concerned— so much that she usually skipped the first game all together. 

...but that was before, when Lily still considered Snape her best friend and needed to keep the peace. Now…

Gryffindor had won its match and the Common Room was an explosion of celebration. It was still early, the sun starting to leave dramatic red streaks in the clouds as it set, but Lily knew what kind of party this would be. Cheering, laughing, music, spiked drinks— it was all accounted for. Sirius had even procured little indoor fireworks that fizzled about the vaulted ceiling in Gryffindor colors. 

Mary poked her arm and slipped a drink of something in her hand. It was bright red and sickly sweet and burned slightly as Lily sipped it but after a while she found the fireworks to be rather beautiful. 

It was…

...liberating.

She was sat on one of the couches by the fire, leaning into Marlene who giggled into her drink as a gold spark twinkled down and tickled her nose. 

Marlene was still in her Quidditch robes— the whole team was— and looked pleased as her punch at their victory. James’ smile hadn’t let up one centimeter and Lily wondered if he could even feel his face at this point. He spotted her as he walked by and then seemed to trip over nothing and came crashing down onto the couch.

“ _Oof—”_

Lily smashed into Marlene as James landed heavily on her other side, pressing in as Sirius joined on _his_ other side.

“Er.” James’ golden skin took on a crimson blush. Gryffindor’s golden boy, indeed— could barely walk on his own two feet. “Hiya, Evans.”

“ _Potter_ — _move_ —”

Lily wiggled a bit, looking for some inkling of space but she was firmly wedged between James and Marlene. 

“Enjoying the party?”

“Might’ve been.” Lily tried shoving at him but Merlin, he was solid as a mountain and didn’t budge. “Now some thoughtless berk is crushing me.”

James leaned in and said in a conspiring whisper that was not at all quiet, “don’t say anything to Sirius, he’s quite sensitive about his hips.”

“Fuck off.” James laughed as Sirius whacked at his back. 

And, okay. Lily had enough punch that she felt giddy and relaxed; she giggled along with James as he begged Sirius for forgiveness and Sirius, barking laugh and all, granted it by headlocking James and rubbing his hair into complete and hopeless disarray. 

James’ smile turned goofy and endearing by the time Mary and Peter made their way over, both flushed from dancing and fresh cups of punch in hand. Some fireworks fizzled by and Lily reached a hand out and twirled them through her fingers. 

The boys still hadn’t moved so James was still pressed against her side, but Lily found she didn’t mind much. She felt like she could float away but she was being _crushed_. And Gryffindor won their match and the fire was warm, the punch was sweet, her sides ached from laughing, and everyone just looked so happy in their little circle.

This is what she’d been missing. All these years, when she slipped away to find Severus, this had been right here all along. 

Just a pile of friends on a couch and— 

Lily laughed. Loud and slightly manic, which made her laugh more. The others looked at her like she’d grown a Hippogriff head. 

“You’re my friends,” she cackled. “Christ on toast, even _you,_ Potter, just a bit.”

James’ voice went high with indignation. “Don’t sound so appalled, Evans.”

“You were the _worst_ , Potter. James? Ugh, no, still weird— _Potter_. Just a big arrogant toerag and now you’re kinda-sorta-a-teensy bit my _friend._ Because you’re also kind of _nice?”_

James looked thoroughly underwhelmed by her praise. “Merlin, Evans, lay it on thick.”

“Still a toerag if you ask me,” Sirius confided in Lily over James’ head. 

“Oi!”

Lily smiled hugely at Sirius. “And you’re still a wanker but I guess you’re alright too.”

“I’m touched, Evans, wow.”

Lily looked around at everyone’s giddy faces. Peter and Sirius waggled their brows at James while he fended them off. Mary and Marlene seemed to be having a hard time keeping things together; they watched Lily with a twitchy fondness, like they were ready to burst into laughter at any moment and the sight made more giggles spill from Lily. 

“Hey!” Everyone looked at Lily. “I miss Remus...”

“Yeah,” Marlene agreed, “where is he?”

He’d disappeared sometime after the match and judging by the looks Sirius, Peter and James gave each other, they knew where he’d gone. Didn’t even hide it well, just looked at each other, completely suspicious, and had a silent conversation. Lots of arched brows and subtle twitches.

“Isn’t feeling well,” Peter finally got out first. 

Sirius gave a languid stretch, jostling James and Lily. “Speaking of— I’m knackered. Early night, gentlemen?”

James grinned and stood, pulling Sirius up with him. “Hard work, scoring all those points.”

Peter didn’t even try with an excuse, he just waved everyone good night with the other two and disappeared up to the boys’ dormitories. 

The girls just shrugged to themselves, not really buying it but not really caring either. Lily took a deep breath, finally free. Dorcas appeared to drag Marlene off to dance some more, the latter going deep pink in the face and shooting Lily a panicked look; she offered a thumbs up in encouragement.

“Is the Ravenclaw gone,” Mary hissed into Lily’s ear, watching their two friends twirl each other around giddily. 

“No clue,” Lily whispered, “but shh, don’t jinx it. They look like they're having fun.”

Marlene was beaming as Dorcas showed off and danced up close; they linked hands and for the rest of the night, Lily didn't see one without the other. 

The sun set, bringing with it a sparkling night sky and a silvery full moon. Sometime after midnight, Lily, content and feet sore, collapsed on the couch before the fire and smiled dopily out through the window, at that large and lovely moon and— realized where Remus was. Some of the happy warmth faded from her and she frowned, grabbing a blanket to settle in.

She couldn’t say when she fell asleep, only that when next she opened her eyes, a golden dawn had risen, and— 

James was sneaking back up to the boys’ dorms behind Sirius and Peter.

Lily wiggled; she raised her arms and stretched out her limbs so much that her legs almost cramped but it felt good. 

James had stopped on the stairs, looking like he’d been caught. His face went red and his foot tripped off a step, sending him down fast onto his bum. He winced, but seemed resigned to this fate as he said, “hiya, Evans.”

“Mmm, good morning, Potter.”

“Have a good night?”

Lily’s sleepy little smile widened and she closed her eyes as she nodded. “When did you come back down?”

“Oh. Er, a bit ago.”

Lily cracked an eye open and saw James sat on the stone steps, his chin in his hands. Dark circles ringed his eyes and his hair, while wild and untamed as usual, seemed a bit deflated somehow. He wore a dark winter robe that was a bit damp with some grass stuck along the hem. He blinked, a lot, and his head tipped forward a centimeter or two before he took a deep breath and stared ahead again.

“You look tired.”

James’ head popped up. “Yeah, I am.”

“Thought you were knackered.”

“Definitely am.”

“But you went out somewhere.”

“Sure did.”

Lily shifted some more and brought her blanket up to her chin. She dropped her head sideways onto a pillow to escape a band of sunlight. “How’s Remus?”

James sat up straight, eyes wide. “Er.”

“It’s okay, I know.”

James paled a bit. “Know what?”

“I _know_.” She nodded her head toward the window.

James gaped at her for a moment before seeming to come to a guarded conclusion. Lily braced herself, expected accusations and anger and something about betrayal, maybe. Something— something like how Snape would react. But he just nodded to himself. 

James didn’t look at all trusting, contrary to his usual, as he said, “You should tell him that you know. That’s one of Remus’ fears, that people will learn his secret. It’s the disadvantage that gets him, not knowing what they’ll do. Let him know you don’t hate him— er, you don’t, do you?”

“No, of course not.”

James looked relieved and his shoulders visibly relaxed but he let out a short, rueful laugh. “It’s not the obvious choice for some people, to be kind _and_ accepting. _Actually_ accepting, not...Ever notice how that one DADA professor in fourth year barely spoke to Remus?”

Lily could only shake her head.

“Well. Yeah. Gave him the marks he deserved but...wouldn’t look at him? Never called on him in class...never acknowledged him when we mucked about, even though Remus was also _right there_.” James let out a frustrated huff, angry on his friend’s behalf. “Sometimes people figure it out and it’s like...roll a die and see how it lands. One for extreme bigotry, six for undying loyalty. Bushbank was somewhere in the middle…” 

Lily managed to pick up where he trailed off. “Snape definitely rolled a one.”

James actually flinched and squirmed rather uncomfortably. “Ah. You know about that— sorry, Sirius _really_ fucked up, really there’s...no excuse....”

“Yeah. Really fucked up.” Lily didn’t beat around the bush. James’ mouth snapped shut. “But...you seem okay now?”

As if she hadn’t seen the evidence all year; they seemed as close as ever. Rarely one on his own, their feral energy quieted in favor of sneaking off together, just the four of them. She’d even seen Sirius doze off on Remus’ shoulder during History of Magic once.

It was just...she didn’t know the details of what happened, only the bare minimum and besides, she was dealing with her own Snape situation. And look how that ended. It’d _ended_ , and was now a steaming pile of shit she’d rather forget. 

The Marauders had forgiven and that was...what was in their friendship that allowed that?

“We’re fine,” James answered. “Hashed things out with Firewhiskey and shouting and absolutely zero crying. Like men.”

Lily snorted. “Really.”

“Mhmm.”

“You don’t hex the Slytherins.”

James nodded, swallowing and then, “yeah, it’s...been brought to our attention that we are...arrogant toerag arseholes.”

“Let’s hope it’s not chronic.”

James’ lips twitched and then he nodded. “Let’s hope. Are you staying down here, then?”

“Mhmm,” Lily answered, sinking down. “Too warm, too— the fuck?” Her feet hit something hard and boney. Lily leaned forward and pulled a pillow off from the end. Marlene’s blond head poked out, utterly peaceful in sleep, though her eyes squinted shut from the newfound sun. Lily gently placed the pillow back down.

James laughed. “Leave you to it, then.” He stood, brushing whatever from his robes and yawning hugely. Just as he turned, Lily called out to him.

“I’ll talk to Remus. Undying loyalty, you said?”

James nodded but his smile turned secret again. “Hard to beat us, though. We’re brothers.”

“Challenge accepted.”

“Literally fighting a losing battle there but. Yeah, good luck, I guess.” He saluted her and finally made his way to his bed.

* * *

The very next night, Monday, Lily waited by the Fat Lady so, when Remus climbed through the portrait, he saw her right away.

Some color had returned to his general being since Saturday though he still looked as if he would tip over if someone so much as whispered in his direction. But when he saw how she fidgeted, he arched a wry brow and then lowered it in suspicion. “Alright, Lily?”

Lily took a breath. “Let’s go for a walk.”

“You mean rounds.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Remus stared at her and dragged a hand over his tired face. “Alright, then.”

Of course, neither of them spoke once they got moving. Thankfully, the corridors were mostly empty save for one couple sneaking off to the Astronomy Tower and a few straggling Ravenclaws hurrying from the library. 

They patrolled almost to the Great Hall, though they ended up in one of the lesser traveled halls, one narrow with just one torch at either end and one window carved into the stone that, when they came to it, gave the feeling of a cave entrance. They both stopped at the window, at the same time, like the spot had been agreed upon ahead of time. 

Remus leaned against the window frame and tapped his fingers along the rough stone edges and looked oh-so-briefly out at the night sky and the waning moon. There were scars outlined on his face by the delicate silver light when he turned to her. He looked expectant and so tired by it. “Alright, Lily, spit it out.”

 _Thump, thump_ went her heart, but she couldn’t imagine what Remus might be feeling right now.

“I know you’re a werewolf.” LIly winced at her blunt delivery, but there it was at least. 

“Ah.” Remus’ mouth tightened and he squared his shoulders, bracing himself. “Of course.”

“I understand if you don’t want to talk about it,” Lily said, “but I wanted you to know. That I know. So that, I don’t know, you don’t have to be on guard with me. Because— remember rounds a few weeks ago? When I said I prefer the moonlight? It’s true, I do prefer the moonlight. I think the entire night sky is beautiful. But I wasn’t entirely sensitive towards what your feelings might be when I said it and I’m sorry if I offended you. I hope I didn’t.”

Silence danced with the shadows around them and Lily finally snapped her mouth shut, knowing she was babbling. 

"You didn't," Remus said but he had an odd look and he tilted his head to the side. A moment later though, he shook it off and looked eerily like James: like this was something he had to deal with. “How long have you known?”

“Since last year,” Lily said. She sighed. “Snape, he… around me, he wasn’t exactly as subtle as he thought. Always ranting and muttering under his breath, writing up notes…” 

Remus went from wary to alarmed, looking out in the vague direction of the Slytherin common room— and then swore colorfully under his breath. 

Lily hurried to reassure him. “He always hid them when I caught sight of them. And always made sure no one else wasn’t around. I think he— I think he just carried so much spite over James and Sirius’ treatment of him that you became the victim of some petty revenge project, because you’re their friend. But I...I have no idea what he would have done if he got, er, confirmation. Something awful, probably.”

Remus snorted. “He would have told everyone and gotten me kicked out of school. He can’t stand that such a dangerous monster is given free reign of the castle.”

“You’re not a monster,” Lily said softly. “What he thinks about-- you or me— doesn’t matter.”

“Lily…” Remus looked unsure. “If I’m getting in the way of your friendship, especially after June…”

Lily gaped at him, offended for— _for_ him. With how awful Snape acted and how Remus was being so self sacrificing about it all. “What happened is _not_ your fault. _Snape_ let that awful word slip. He says it was an accident but it came so easily because he _believes_ it. He thinks what he thinks and has friends to nurture it. I refuse to be a part of that. And whatever _incident_ happened with you lot, well… that’s none of my business. He should have respected your privacy.”

That odd look was back; he shuffled a bit on both feet and had trouble meeting her eyes when he said, “you’re a good person, Lily Evans.”

Lily smiled. “Well so are you, Remus Lupin. And, er, sorry that I ambushed you with this, just now.”

Remus let out a soft chuckle. “Honestly, your tactic has been the...gentlest so far. Prongs literally jumped on me in the dorm.” Fondness fell over his features at the memory. “He was only twelve, so can’t really blame him for lack of tact.”

Lily laughed and then wild curiosity made her to lean toward Remus, hands clasped together demurely. “ _Sooo_ , do I get to find out what all your nicknames mean now?”

Remus Lupin, she learned, also had a Secret Smile in the same way that James Potter did. Except, where James’ was full of mischief, Remus’ was sly; Lily watched it unfold as he backed away into the shadows. “I’m afraid, Miss Evans, the only way you’ll discover _that_ information is if you become a Marauder.”

A series of images flashed through Lily’s mind: sneaking through the Castle under the cloak of night; scheming in whispers over a chaos of parchment; Sirius’ barking laugh, constant; James’ hands mussing up his hair, his confident grin; Peter and Remus playing chess; countless detentions. Only a few of those things were actually appealing but she was still a few months away from admitting to herself which ones exactly. 

But she still said, “I could do.”

Remus actually looked her up and down, considering with an appraising tip of his chin, until he shook his head. “Nah, you can’t. Although, maybe if you married in…”

Lily snorted, and then choked. “Fat fucking chance.”

“Oh, what, you don’t want to deal with Peter’s snoring?”

“Or Sirius’ preening.”

“And I’m a _dangerous_ werewolf,” Remus said dryly, “society would shun us should we marry, so that leaves…”

Lily made a show of rolling her eyes and looking deeply put upon. “It’d be crowded, being married to James Potter _and_ his ego.”

Remus ducked his head in quiet laughter, everything about him relaxing in a way she’d never seen before but, she realized, was what James, Sirius and Peter got to see everyday. 

* * *

Now that Lily actually bothered to spare more than a fleeting glance, she could see it, their brotherhood.

There: the way Sirius’ eyes genuinely lit up when one of them walked into breakfast, even though they all shared a dorm and had probably fought over the bathroom mere minutes before. 

There: when Peter struggled with something in Transfiguration, James explained it simply and plainly and not going back to his work until Peter achieved something— which he always did, under James’ instruction. 

There: when Remus looked peaky, one of them might slip a piece of chocolate in his pocket, and though Remus _said_ to fuck off, he still let them hover, Sirius’ arm casually slung over his shoulders.

There: when Sirius had a run in with his brother or another Slytherin, James would be there to swoop in; they’d disappear down the corridor together, huddled close, shoulder to shoulder, as Sirius talked or seethed and James listened.

There: even though November was well on its way and winter was a sure thing— even though the winds had turned to ice and glittering frost coated windows, they were all out by the lake, all four of them sitting under the beech tree, favoring each other’s company over every one else’s.

Lily spotted them there during break one day and couldn’t help but stop and watch them. The open air corridor was freezing, she could see her misty breath and she shivered in her robes but they didn’t seem bothered in the least. 

Peter repaired an old chess piece; Sirius and James mucked about— first chatting, then puffing up in some outrage, then wrestling in the winter crisp grass, laughing all the while. Remus just sat, his back against the tree, smoking something and watching them.

Sirius had left his family, everyone knew that...Remus was a werewolf, feared by society…Peter was generally overlooked...James was an only child, over excited about being among his peers.

They had a bitter row over summer, leaving Hogwarts hurting and splintered but returning closer than ever. 

They shouldn’t have made sense together and yet...They laughed now. Together. And there was nothing arrogant or conceited about it. Just a group of friends enjoying their basic human right of being _happy_. 

That last bit of Snape’s whispering that still managed to haunt her months later completely died with a feeble gasp.

“Lily?”

Lily startled from her thoughts. Mary and Marlene stood nearby, arms also laden with books, both perplexed from when they no doubt looked over and she was gone. Or, rather, stood frozen in place. 

Marlene took a step forward. “Lily— you alright?”

“Yeah.” Her voice cracked a bit and she cleared her throat. 

Out by the lake, James and Sirius collapsed on the grass, side by side, and stared up at the silvery sky. James reached out and thumped Sirius gently over his heart; Lily could see Sirius’ smile as he reached out for Remus’ cigarette. 

“Er, Lils?” Mary placed a hand on her arm. “Kinda freaking us out. What’s wrong?”

Lily blinked and turned. A moment of clarity fell over her as she looked, properly, at the girls. There they were, faces soft with concern, not dismissive scorn, patiently waiting for her to either talk or not. She knew they would listen and offer advice. She knew they would do their best to understand, or at least sympathize, things Snape never... 

She could talk to Mary and Marlene, and Remus could relax around James, Sirius and Peter. 

And that was sort of amazing, wasn’t it? To find their people, to know without words that they _had_ people. 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Lily said softly. “Everything’s perfect.”

* * *

It was odd, being in on a secret, especially one so dramatic as a friend turning into a werewolf every month. 

For five and a half years, she’d watched from a distance as Remus became restless, edgy and the rings around his eyes deepened, as if good sleep was a rare thing. She’d notice him disappear for a night or two, sometimes even from classes, and reappear acting as if nothing happened— but he’d be paler, once or twice with a fresh red scar on his hands or neck or face. 

The excuses, now, were flimsy— his sick mother, a vicious rabbit— and the truth obvious because _of course_ he was a werewolf. They all took astronomy, how could no one else _know?_

The reality in that was...no one wanted that emotional burden. A friend with a sick mother? Uncomfortable at best— how do you make small talk with that looming overhead? Ignorance was bliss after all, and most students cleared their conscience with simple well wishes instead. They were teenagers, after all...

But now Lily _knew_ and as the full moon grew closer, she felt her own anxiousness rise. Or was it paranoia? She’d seen how terribly some else people reacted to this secret, she’d learned how dangerous and painful the transformation was and...Remus was her friend. It was instinct, wasn’t it, to be this concerned? This protective?

Obviously Remus was okay— of course he was, he came back to school every month without incident or too horrible an injury...but there were still injuries, and sometimes they kept him from class so...it must have been bad, right?

Maybe…

Probably…

It was not knowing that made her antsy, enough so that James noticed during Potions on the next full moon. 

“Evans,” he said in a low voice, raising a brow at her twitchy leg. “I’m not sure your potion will like the shaking. Mine definitely isn’t…”

“Sorry, sorry,” she muttered and promptly stopped tapping her foot. 

“Also, your unicorn horn is oxidizing,” James added in the helpful tone he reserved for Peter.

Lily quickly shaved off the gray bits of the horn and forced herself to look at her textbook. She needed the next instruction anyway, and with all the blue haze drifting through the dungeon, the black ink was hard to make out; she really needed to concentrate—

“Leg’s bouncing again. _Aanndd,_ your potion’s a shade too dark.”

“Bugger.”

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. Her potion was indeed a sapphire blue rather than the cerulean their textbook emphasized a whole _three_ times, the third being at the point of no return. If the color was off by step ten, there was no saving it. Lily was on step thirteen. 

Lily slumped in her stool, all hope for a perfect potion dashed; it was too late to start again as class was over in ten minutes time _and_ Professor Slughorn had limited stock of the unicorn horn he needed for other classes.

James seemed to realize her plight because he cast a furtive glance in Slughorn’s direction as he ladled his own perfect potion into a glass vial— and passed it over to Lily under the work table. 

Lily, dropping her hands to her sides, blinked at it mutely. Then she reared back as James scooted his stool into her space and leaned in close. “ _Hey._ I couldn’t help but notice that you seem a bit... _off_. You okay?”

“Yes?” But then Lily thought about it. “Kind of? Hmm.” She rested her head on the uneven work table; the wood smelled of centuries of potions but it allowed her to be small and talk in a low voice as she looked up at James. “Just...how can you do this?” 

His mouth was suppressed in a gentle smile. He propped his elbows on the table, which allowed him to lower a bit closer to her. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

Lily locked onto his hazel eyes and whispered, “it’s a full moon tonight.”

James grew still and seemed to be taking great pains to not react too much, maintaining eye contact and his smile, even though it threatened to fall into a frown. “Ah.”

Lily herself did frown though. “I just...well, I know it’s nothing new to him but...what if something happens to him? What if another...Snape happens?”

“Nothing will happen,” James replied. “He’ll be fine.”

Lily glanced over at Remus, at his dark eyes narrowed over his potion and the way his pale skin stood out in contrast against the haze of a dozen potions brewing. Sirius hovered nearby, talking to Remus in low tones she couldn’t hear.

“How can you be sure,” she asked.

“Just am.”

“Helpful.”

Lily watched a journey of small emotions flit across James’ face. 

“Look, Evans.” James sat back up and leaned fully against the worktable, the potion vial dangling from his left hand.“I can’t explain it, you’ll just have to trust me. He’ll be fine.”

Lily sat up and leaned forward so she was facing him fully. “What are you hiding?”

James affected his secret smile, so mischievous and charming. “Marauder’s business, Evans.” He waved the potion vial at her. “Better take this before Slughorn notices your potion’s gone black.”

Lily looked over at her cauldron and swore viciously; her potion gurgled, thick as mud and dark as obsidian. The dungeon was a flurry of motion as everyone else carefully poured their potions into similar vials and placed them on Slughorn’s crowded desk. 

Slughorn himself shouted out their homework and walked around the dungeon, checking that their instruments were properly cleaned and organized.

Vanishing her ruined potion, Lily snatched the vial from James and hurried it over to Slughorn’s desk. By the time she’d come back, Remus was being crowded by James and Sirius, the latter two helping to clean his station, gather his books. Sirius clapped a hand on Remus’ shoulder as they left the dungeon classroom, while James offered brewing tips on the potion they’d just made.

Somehow, watching them and despite James evading her questions, Lily did feel a measure of reassurance for Remus. He was in good hands. Logically, she knew he’d be okay but seeing him at lunch the next day, exhausted but whole, was still a relief. 

Curiously, James, Sirius and Peter had dragged themselves to breakfast looking absolutely dead on their feet. At lunch, they seemed to have perked up a bit, but now at dinner they were visibly crashing again. Lily managed to catch James’ eye as he slumped hard onto the Gryffindor bench, nearly falling back when she nodded at him.

A memory flashed in Lily’s mind— a golden dawn, and James sitting on the dormitory steps looking drained as he fiddled with his robe…James looked about the same now. Sirius’ head lay heavy on a fist and Peter just didn’t try as he lay his own head in his arms. 

“Wonder what havoc they caused last night,” Marlene muttered. 

Lily hadn’t a clue, only one piece that fit into absolutely nothing. 

James poured himself a coffee and again met Lily’s eyes over the pewter rim, his round glasses perfectly showcasing his hazel eyes that were tired, yes, but also seeming to spark with...what was it? 

The same spark he got after a good prank. 

James winked. 

Lily pulled in sharp breath, bristling, and went back to her roast. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw James laugh into his mug, the sound lost to the flapping of hundreds of wings as the evening post arrived. 

An envelope in bright white and thinner paper than the usual parchment fell onto the table in front of Lily. Recognizing her mother’s handwriting, she smiled and plucked it up to read. 

* * *

An hour later found Lily in her dorm, perched on the ledge of the window by her bed. The letter lay on the floor a few feet away, too white, like a burning star. Lily pulled out her wand and wordlessly charmed it black. 

That was the sight Mary and Marlene entered to, and they startled back a step as the charm hit the envelope with force and knocked it to their feet. 

“Woah, girl,” Mary tsked, eyeing Lily’s wand with her hands held up in surrender. “We come in peace.”

Lily lowered her wand into her lap. Her foot tapped against stone in the meanwhile and she huffed out a sigh before turning back to the window and watched the castle grounds.

One of the girls sighed and Lily heard them shuffle further into the dorm, taking seats onto her bed and Lily knew she couldn’t avoid them. When their concerned eyes entered her line of vision, Lily suddenly felt the most pathetic person in Hogwarts: hiding in her dorm because of a letter and her bitch of a sister. 

No...that wasn’t fair.

Lily’s eyes burned as tears filled them and she turned away from her roommates and used a sleeve to scrub at her face as she said, voice thick, “sorry...”

Marlene reached a hand out and gave Lily a comforting squeeze. “What’d the letter say?”

Lily summoned a small smile, so grateful for these girls. “Mum and Dad are fine, send their love. Christmas tree is up and she’ll tidy my room before I arrive.”

“Shining star,” Marlene smiled encouragingly. 

Lily nodded. She loved her Mum… “Dad’s got it into his head that he should build a gazebo before spring…”

“Bet your mum is thrilled about that,” Mary said. “...Anything else?”

Lily stared at her hands as her leg bobbed up and down, up and down. She took a breath. “Tuney’s bringing Vernon round for Christmas dinner. She...strongly hinted that it might be better if I stayed here.”

“Stroppy cow,” Mary hissed and then winced at Lily’s fallen face. “Sorry, I don’t know her, I’m sure she’s...well…”

Lily shook her head, sparing Mary the effort of coming up with one good trait for Petunia. They were there— practicality, familial love, pride— they just never applied to Lily, and as the years went on, she suspected they never would. 

Marlene bent forward so she could peer at Lily’s face, her own tender and reassuring. “You know, you can right? We are— stay with us. Have a happy Christmas.”

She could; five years and she’d never experienced Christmas at Hogwarts, but she always heard about the beautiful feast afterwards. The empty castle in all its glorious decorations sounded like a dream, far more magical than snogging Dirk Cresswell under a fairy mistletoe. 

Dumbledore leading everyone in cheery carols at dinner would be a precious memory she could treasure ‘til her dying day...Curling up with hot cocoa by the Gryffindor fire after opening presents, basking in the glow of her friends’ happiness...

And yet it still couldn’t compare to the coziness of her home in Cokeworth. Her and her mum in the kitchen, fretting over the Christmas ham, her dad in a frazzle over making sure there were enough crackers. Her childhood bed, the ancient family cat.

Pacing in front of her parents’ bedroom, ducking down to look beneath the gap to see if they were awake...Sitting on the couch, all four of them, with the girls begging for a sip of their parents’ sherry…

She missed her parents. 

Lily twisted her hands together. “It wasn’t always like this…”

“People change, Lils,” Marlene said, soft as air. 

“Sometimes for the worst,” Mary added, a touch regretful.

“You’d think I’d know that by now.” Lily let out a shaky breath and turned back to the window. 

“Lily,” Marlene started. “She’s your sister but...if it means your Christmas isn’t pleasant, you _can_ stay here. You don’t deserve her venom.”

Merlin, she was grateful to have these two and their gentle empathy. Severus had always been dismissive, abrasive, never actually listening to _why_ she was upset. 

“Besides,” Mary carried on, “your mezzo would compliment Dumbledore’s tenor wonderfully.”

Lily snorted, and just the thought chipped at her bleak heart. “I could probably win us ten points.”

“At least,” Marlene agreed.

But Lily shook her head, already decided before they’d even arrived, and they must have known that because they didn’t offer any more counter arguments. They just let her sit in silence a little longer, stewing and bobbing her leg and staring determinedly through the grime. 

Eventually though, Mary inched a foot forward until her toe nudged Lily’s. “Well. You can’t be a damsel in the tower forever.”

“Yes I can,” Lily said in misery, quite liking the sound of that. She could forget about her essays, her exams, never have to get a job or face her dreadful sister. 

Mary stood, determined, and reached out to haul Lily to her feet. “Let’s find the boys, I’m sure they’ll be able to cheer you up.”

Lily was doubtful. “I’m not playing with dungbombs.” 

“But maybe they have some Firewhiskey.”

“Oh, it’s _that_ kind of night now?”

The girls ushered Lily away but before they could cross the dorm’s threshold, Lily spotted the black envelope and scooped it up, throwing it onto her bed. She’d reply in the morning; for now...those were her people laughing down the stairwell, so she went to them first. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _“You been stressed out lately? Yeah, me too…  
>  Something gave you the nerve,  
> To touch my hand…”_  
> -Taylor Swift, It’s Nice to Have a Friend

Hogwarts, predictably, flourished under the Christmas decorations: huge trees lining the corridors, garland, twinkling lights, fairies…

Lily walked through it all in a dreamy daze, purging her mind of all thoughts of her return home. She went to her classes, wrote her last essays before the holidays, and fretted over her hair and make up for Slughorn’s Christmas party. 

She was going alone, despite the professor’s repeated reassurances that he knew a few strapping young wizards who would make wonderful matches for her. (“Yikes,” Mary and Marlene both shivered at the prospect.)

The party itself was the Saturday before Christmas and the usual affair of sparkling dress robes, mischievous sprigs of mistletoe hung at strategic spots around the room, and a mouthwatering dinner. Several of Slughorn’s alumni were in attendance, including a potions master whose business card Lily made sure to pocket. 

James was also there, serving detention for Slughorn (he’d been caught transfiguring the professor’s coffee into pickle juice) by handing out drinks on a round silver tray. His green robes were a nightmare of wrinkles, having obviously been dug out from the bottom of his truck but somehow he looked good in them. Handsome, even.

Evelyn DeLacroix breezed over in silvery robes and she and Lily chatted about the decorations, the food, their holiday plans. At one point, Dirk Cresswell found her by the punch bowl, alone and watching the party. She moved aside a few inches, to give Dirk better access to the punch and gave an awkward, “hiya, Dirk.”

He looked handsome as usual— dark brown hair, clear skin, warm brown eyes. He was tall and he’d chosen a muggle suit instead of wizard dress robes; it was hard not to sneak glances down the long lines of his legs.

“Hello, Lily,” he replied, actually smiling.

Of course, they’d seen each other around school— it was hard not to, what with living there and sharing a couple core courses...But this was the first in a year they’d actually traded words. Lily found she didn’t quite know what to do with herself, and her mind very unhelpfully replayed how his lips felt against hers and...She stared down at her shoes and counted their red sequins. 

Dirk filled his cup and carefully set the crystal ladle down, watching it sink into the red liquid. After a moment, he took a bracing breath, and turned to Lily. “You’re finished with Snape, aren’t you?”

Lily scrunched her entire face and glanced sideways at him. “Er…”

“Only…” Dirk studied his drink and then looked up at her, earnest and apologetic. “I was a wanker last year, wasn’t I? Breaking up with you like…”

Eleven months was certainly enough time for that particular wound to heal over and Lily gave him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. Break ups happen. Can’t force something you have no interest in…”

“Er, well,” Dirk looked down again and sighed. “Thing is, I _was_ interested. Just...Snape was being a shady git about it all. Actually cornered me and—” 

“ _WHAT_.”

Conversation around them cut off so only the warbling scratchy Christmas music from Slughorn’s ancient phonograph could be heard. Lily turned red and _saw_ red as anger, that old, explosive friend of hers, bubbled up. James, on the other side of the room, arched a brow at her but she turned away quickly.

Dirk looked mightily uncomfortable now and turned his back to the crowd now watching them. He spoke in low tones. “Sorry I just...that’s why I, er, ended things. It was unfair, I know, and I should have said something but it was a lot that I just didn’t sign up for…”

“I’m gonna kill him,” Lily seethed. “Greasy little twerp…”

“You weren’t upset with me, were you?”

Lily flinched and gestured vaguely in frustration. “Just. The normal amount.”

Dirk studied her like he’d studied his glass. He swallowed and cleared his throat, and it suddenly occurred to Lily that he might be nervous. “You wouldn’t...want to try it again...Future Hogsmeade weekend?”

Lily thought about the first time they’d tried it. How she’d floated on a cloud for an entire month and how Snape hardly seemed around and if he was, he was in a foul mood. She’d thought nothing of it in her bliss but now she knew the reason and it just— she wished she could scream in frustration for all those wasted things. What else— _who_ else— had Snape scared away? 

“Lily?”

Lily sucked in a breath, searching for calm, and blew it out of her nose like a bull waiting to charge. “I’ll think about it.”

Dirk looked surprised; he’d obviously been hoping for a more positive response. “Oh.”

Lily watched his shoulders slump and some of the fight left her. “It’s just...Thank you for telling me and yes, I’m _interested_ but. If you’re scared that easily by an _idiot_ …”

“An idiot who studies Dark Arts,” Dirk muttered to himself. “Hates...us.”

Right. The suit— Dirk was also a muggleborn and being cornered by Snape and his Dark Arts books, with Mulciber and Avery no doubt nearby, was no joking matter...Lily sighed. “I’ll think about it.” She sealed the promise with a small smile and Dirk nodded, just a touch more optimistic than before.

The party though...all these sparkling decorations, the general cheer and forced pleasantries and even some people still staring their way. Lily’s mood soured and she set down her punch glass and edged away from the table. “Happy Christmas, Dirk.” 

Crystal rattled on the other end of the table and Lily looked up to see that James had set his tray upon it. Most of the glasses were empty and smudged and James pulled out his wand to give them a refresh. Her steps slowed as she neared and James looked up at the sound of her heels. He almost fumbled his wand as she walked up but he recovered quickly though he seemed not to know what to do with his hands now. He settled for dropping them at his sides.

“Leaving?” He had an odd look on his face. Somewhere between indifferent and just generally down. 

Lily watched as James remembered his task and charmed a large bottle of champagne to refill the glasses. “Yeah…”

James didn’t look at her and said, a touch hollow, “enjoyed the party?”

“It was alright.”

“Good.”

“Yeah…”

James set a balancing charm on the glasses so that none of them so much as wobbled as he picked his tray up.

Lily’s lips twitched. “You’re rather good at this.”

James’ shrug was casual and he looked like he stole some of Sirius’ haughtiness when he said, “this isn’t my first Slugclub detention. I’m sure you’ve seen me around.”

She had, of course. And sometimes even Sirius, who always looked like he wanted to either jump from the closest window or melt into the stone whenever an alum brought up his family. James usually took it all in stride and seemed happy enough to chat about his career aspirations or parents as he handed out drinks and hors d'oeurves.

Lily nodded at the champagne tray. “Think I could sneak one?”

James quirked a brow and some of that perpetual mischief returned to his hazel eyes. Right where it should be. He glanced over his shoulder and then shrugged. “Yeah, why not. I think Slughorn’s drunk enough to not notice or care.”

“Cheers.” Lily took the glass from him and turned it by the stem for a moment— and then downed it all in one go. 

James gaped at her but he certainly didn’t stop her. “Woah, Evans. Going to battle?”

Clearing her throat of both bubbles and burn— Slughorn appeared to favor a dryer champagne— said with absolute conviction, “I’m going to kill Snape.”

James laughed, taken aback, and that indifference he carried melted away completely. She was met with the full force of an approving smile. “Good for you, Evans, he probably deserves it.”

“Yeah. Who knew you were right all these years.” she handed the champagne glass back to him and brushed her hands on her skirts and shook out her shoulders. Limbering up for a fight. James laughed and it fueled her confidence. “I should go— happy Christmas, Potter.”

“Hey, wait.” James set his tray down, knocking over a few sparkling biscuits from their silver platter but he hardly cared. He reached out and plucked a sprig of holly from a ribbon of garland twisting between one of the stone columns lining the room. “Here. In case you need to stab him with something. Or just want to.”

Lily snorted and pulled her wand from her pocket. “That’s what _this_ stick is for, Potter.”

“Nah, but he won’t see this coming.” James twirled the little twig, spiky leaves narrowly missing scraping his fingers and considered her for a second before leaning forward and tucking the sprig into her hair, right at her ear. “Lovely.”

Warmth filled Lily and she blushed as James stepped back, seeming chuffed at himself. If ever asked, she’d blame it on the champagne but James just saluted her. “Go forth and kick some Slytherin ass.”

Lily returned the salute. “I shall report back upon success.”

James visibly brightened and he picked up his tray again. Lily backed away a few steps before finally turning and weaving her way through the crowd, her steps light despite the simmering anger resurfacing as she slipped into the corridors and went to hunt down a certain Slytherin. 

* * *

Lily did find a Slytherin, almost right away, just...not the one she was looking for.

Halfway down the wide and empty staircase outside the party, Lily heard hushed, angry voices on the floor below. She slowed her steps, one hand gripping the stone banister, the other going for her wand. Careful, so as to not make any sound, she finished her descent. 

Sticking to the ever-present shadows clinging to the corridor’s edges, Lily leaned against the stone wall and peered around. 

Sirius Black stood in torch light, casual leather jacket over some muggle band shirt. Regulus Black, in contrast, was pure aristocrat, handsome in dark dress robes and haughty to match. He said something that Lily could only assume were vile things for the way it made Sirius ball his fists. His jaw was clenched and his eyes cold, holding no familial warmth for his brother.

Lily knew about the rift between Sirius and his family, everyone did. She’d heard the same rumors as everyone else and privately speculated about the events that caused him to run away last year. She saw how James offered Sirius counsel and a listening ear regarding it all.

This was the first she was witness to any of it though. In public, Sirius tended to hover between two emotions: haughty disinterest or reckless mischief. Now, Sirius radiated barely controlled rage and Lily’s own anger toward Snape suddenly felt insignificant. She edged closer. 

Whatever Regulus had said made Sirius let out a humorless laugh that gave Lily shivers. “She’s already blasted me from the tapestry, Reggie, she can’t —”

“You know what she— the family— can do. They won’t let this embarrassment stand. Fucking half-breeds and Mudbloods, what are you _thinking?”_

Bile rising in her throat, Lily stepped out of the shadows, startling the both of them. Sirius’ breath came out harsh and quick. Regulus’ hand went for his wand by instinct but when he saw her, he dropped it. Both Black brothers threw up guarded expressions as they waited for her to rain judgement on them.

Lily met Sirius’ silver eyes and hoped he knew the disgust she showed was meant for Regulus. The younger brother had backed away a few steps, intending to make a quiet retreat but she turned to him before he could go too far. Her voice was low but clear. “Ten points from Slytherin, Black, for foul language. Go back to your common room.”

Regulus’ eyes, twins to Sirius’, flashed in quiet fury but he turned on his heel and gracefully disappeared down the corridor, black robes blending so seamlessly into the shadows. That left Sirius and Lily, the former cursing as dark as his surname the moment Regulus’ footsteps faded. 

“Don’t make me take points from you, too,” Lily warned. 

Sirius said nothing, just sank down the stone wall behind him. Knees up, arms bridged across them, chin propped— he glared at the opposite wall. He seemed dim. Less on edge and more demoralized. Not the vibrant Sirius Black she saw day-to-day; she only glimpsed this Sirius when he disappeared somewhere with James, whispering in low tones. 

James was technically in detention though. Lily wondered if Sirius was headed up to the party for him, only to run into Regulus instead. Who knows when the party would end though…Looking over her shoulder, she debated for a hot second about fetching him but Sirius looked so...small. Like a kicked puppy, it was just sad.

“Don’t worry,” Sirius spoke up, “I’m not going to do something stupid. You can go back to the party or whatever.”

Er. “I wasn’t…” Lily threw Sirius an unimpressed look for misreading. “I didn’t think you were going to do something stupid but now that you mention it, good, don’t.”

Sirius’ lips quirked up just a centimeter, just enough for her to end her internal debate and slide down next to him. Sirius moved not an inch, even though she overshot and ended up bumping arms with him. They sat in silence and Lily pulled out the holly James had tucked into her hair and twirled it around.

“Pretty,” Sirius commented, still sounding generally hollow.

“James gave it to me.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmm.” Lily ran a finger over a leaf’s glossy surface and tapped against a point. “Wanna talk about it?”

“ _Nope.”_

With his jaw set like that, stubborn and tight, Lily believed she wouldn’t get anything out of him. And that was fine, that was his business, not hers, especially since she’d only heard about his family drama from third party gossip channels. But she’d witnessed something she shouldn’t have and that felt strangely unfair, like they stood on uneven terf. Perhaps Sirius knew that as well and that was why he stayed next to her. He didn’t know what to do with her.

“Well… can I talk about something?” 

Sirius looked like he’d rather sink into the stone floor than _talk_ but after a moment he looked up, vaguely to his left; Lily knew he was listening.

“My sister hates me.” Lily immediately felt hot over this admission but she kept at it. “Says I’m a freak and isn’t shy about calling me one to my face and in all of her letters. She doesn’t want me home for Christmas, says I’ll only embarrass her in front of _dearest Vernon.”_

“Nice.” Sirius said, and her head swiveled to him, but he didn’t look malicious. Only...something in him had softened. “But I win. I’ve got the whole goddamn family. You heard— blasted me off the family tapestry.”

“Nice,” Lily countered, “deflecting my empathy by showing me up.”

Sirius shrugged a shoulder. “Not much I can do with empathy.”

“I’m just trying to say...I _know,_ at least a little, how hard it is. The worst part is that even though Petunia hates me...she’s still my sister. It’s hard to reconcile.” Lily stilled her hands, the holly going limp onto her lap and she looked at Sirius. “And what makes it harder is that she doesn’t know what she hates. Hogwarts, my friends...they make up for it but I wish she could see and _know_. I wish she _wanted_ to see."

Sirius swallowed and then, after a few moments of silence said in a thick voice, “but you’ve got your friends now. They understand you.” It sounded like a memorized mantra, hard earned.

“Yeah,” Lily said softly; Sirius’ hands were still tight fists on his elbows and she sighed. “Christ— hold my hand.”

Sirius arched an aristocratic eyebrow, ever so skeptical as Lily pried his hand from his elbow and forced her palm into his. Of course, he was stiff and it took him a moment to relax, but he didn’t pull away. He just looked down at their joined hands, perplexed that she would do this at all. Lily stared him down, silently daring him to question her reasoning and ready to pull out every bit of evidence in support of this small act but he was true to his word: he didn’t do anything stupid. He just sighed and tipped his head back against the cold stone wall.

“What’s _dearest Vernon_ like anyway?” He asked, going for his usual haughty indifference, still unable to fully let go of his tension. “Does his shit gold? Movie star face, luscious locks?”

Lily snorted, and then winced as she conjured her memory of the man. “He’s a walrus. Mustache and rolls and all.”

Sirius tipped his head in interest. “Yeah?”

Lily pursed her lips and thought for a moment. “You know Lockhart?”

Sirius lolled his head around in a half-body eyeroll as he groaned. “Hard not to. Simply _marvelous,_ isn’t he? So utterly _brilliant,_ he once resorted to trying to steal my Transfiguration notes, never mind that we’re in different years.”

Lily’s gasp echoed through the corridor. _"_ _He didn’t!”_

Sirius nodded gravely. “Oh yeah. Hexed his hands with purple boils. They were stained for a week.”

Lily laughed at the memory. “That was you!”

“Proudly. What’d he do to you?”

Lily waved a hand vaguely. “Oh, he asked me out once or twice. I gotta say, James asking me out last year was infinitely more charming in comparison—”

She caught herself, her hand clapping over her mouth, but it was too late. Sirius looked as giddy as a kid in a candy store with this admission. “ _I’m going to tell him.”_ He pumped their joined hands in celebration, but Lily wrestled them into a light bop atop his head.

“Don’t you dare,” she huffed, a bit pink, a bit bristling, and with all the authority she could muster. “ _Anyway,_ Vernon is basically like Lockhart. Thinks the world of himself but there’s something shady there. Boasts about his business practices and _playing the game,_ though it sounds awfully like taking advantage of one small business owner or another.”

“Good thing he’s a muggle, otherwise I have a feeling he and my father would get along swimmingly.” They both thought about what Sirius said; Lily made a gagging noise, and he winced. “Bad joke, sorry. My mouth burns from it.”

Lily laughed as Sirius made more choking sounds but soon enough they fell into a silence that felt more companionable than a few minutes ago. Somewhere above them, the party powered on, but their corridor was utterly silent and peaceful.

Sirius pulled his hand from Lily’s but he’d started tapping a little beat into her palm that she couldn’t quite figure out. Some of the tension had faded from his shoulders and he was just slumped against the wall, a picture of punk in his jacket and long hair. The shadows suited him, especially since some of his playful roguishness had come back.

Lily leaned against him and, because it felt right in this moment, plopped her head on his shoulder. He smelled of good soap and leather. She wondered how many girls would hex her to be in this exact same position.

“Hey, Evans?”

“Mmm?"

“Sorry your sister can be a bitch.”

Lily choked on a laugh; Sirius patted her back, and she pulled herself together, clearing her throat when she did. “Thanks. Sorry Regulus can be a wankstain.”

Sirius smiled wide, actually amused. “Yeah, he is.”

More silence and then, somewhere above them, a door opened and laughter rang through the corridor before abruptly cutting off; a door opened and closed. Footsteps soon sounded on the same staircase Lily had come down from and they both breathed in bracing breaths. 

Bubble burst. 

Sirius’ hand caught hers before she could pull herself onto her feet, stopping her. “Lily?”

She blinked, but smiled. “Sirius?”

“You’re alright.”

“Gee,” Lily gushed, batting her lashes, “ _thanks.”_

The footsteps stepped nearby and a robed figure stood at the end of the corridor. “The fuck?” 

Sirius’ face split into a huge grin and he positively lit up, actually like a star; Lily reeled back from how quickly he could turn that on. “James-y! My dearest Prongs!” On second thought, he was a huge puppy happy to see his human.

James stared between the two, utterly baffled as he took in their clasped hands but most especially Sirius’ dog-like joy and spectacle and repeated, “the fuck?”

Lily stood, wobbling onto her heels and accepting Sirius’ help when he bounded up quicker than her. She brushed off her skirts and touched Sirius’ arm, getting him to look down at her. She raised a brow in question and he nodded, a thankful smile playing at his lips; she returned it, and released him.

“Well,” she said, turning to James. “I was unsuccessful in my first mission but nonetheless, the night is still triumphant. I’ll leave you boys to it.”

With one final salute of the night, Lily made her way to the common room, all anger from before— not lost, not faded completely but...she felt a bit lighter and that meant something at least. Something better. 

* * *

Winter forged on, the holidays rapidly approaching, and Lily Evans came down with her annual cold. 

It started as a scratch in her throat, then a sneeze, then immediate regret upon waking up the last day of term. She’d done all the usual— gone to Madam Promfrey for a Pepper Up Potion but sometimes biology overruled magic and the cold took hold. 

A frenzied rush had fallen over the school as everyone scrambled to hand their last assignments in and pack before departure day. Lily felt immense weight lift from her shoulders the moment she set her Transfiguration essay on McGonagall’s desk, though she coughed so severely that McGonagall took a pointed step back. 

Slughorn took pity on her and the general holiday fever and allowed everyone to brew their potions together that day, rather than make one each, which meant she didn’t really have to do anything. The Marauders rallied around her and immediately went about preparing her share of their ingredients. At first she protested, of course she did, but they waved her off gently.

“Won’t do to sneeze _into_ the potion, who knows what effect that’d cause,” James said as he carefully cut their burdock roots, not fumbling anything for once. “Actually, I should ask Dad…”

Lily just sniffled, finding no fighting power within her, and watched them get on with it, reading from the textbook if they asked her to. Remus, bless his heart, handed her a chocolate frog, though she barely had the appetite to munch on it. 

When Slughorn released them, Lily was a snotty husk of a human being who didn’t even care when Sirius plucked her bag from the ground. She just wordlessly followed him out into the hall and blew her nose loudly and whimpered out a little cough.

Remus seemed to be holding back a smirk. “You are absolutely pathetic.”

Automatically, with a flood of sick helplessness, Lily’s eyes watered and she let out several sad sneezes. “I never get sick, I don’t know _how_ to be sick but you deal with _so much worse,_ Remus…”

The boys all looked taken aback; Remus looked horrified he’d inadvertently made her cry which of course made _her_ feel bad and release a few more tears. She pulled her robes tight around her, shivering, and sank against the cold stone of the dungeon corridor.

“Blimey, Evans,” James’ eyes were wide, apparently having never encountered a crying girl. He looked at the others in a silence beseech of what to do before settling on basic British instinct. “Er. Let’s get you some tea, yeah? Maybe a blanket or three?”

Sirius, ever so gallantly held out a handkerchief. It was plain black, nothing special, but her face crumbled at his offer all the same. “Jeeze, fighter. Let’s get you back to your friends. Maybe they can cuddle you to health and sanity.”

Lily’s face wobbled, caught between laughter and tears, and she dabbed at her eyes with the handkerchief and then blew her nose. “They won’t. Mary threatened to hex me if I get her sick. Marlene just levitated me some tissues and washed her hands after…”

“Not a bad idea,” Sirius muttered, grimacing at his ruined handkerchief; Remus elbowed him. 

“C’mon, Lily,” Remus said kindly. “I’ve some cough drops that might help…”

Lily nodded mutely and then sneezed again, wincing when it sent an ache down her back. She sniffled, wet and stuffy, and allowed herself to be pulled from the wall and up through the castle. Sirius’ hand was a steadying brace at her back, and James, for lack of anything better to do, just hovered behind like a worried hen.

Before they came out to the upper floors, Lily felt the boys shift rather suddenly to the side as Snape pushed past. Sirius actually tensed, the encounter with his brother still fresh, and James fell silent.

Snape turned and looked over his shoulder when he was halfway up the staircase and Lily reeled back from the look of utter disdain smothering his face. Not for her, but for who she was with. 

No, not disdain for her. When he met her eyes it was—

Betrayal. 

Resentment.

So absolute it froze her in place and James rammed into her back.

Two shadows appeared at the stop of the stairs, one hulking and the other slight, and as they descended to meet Snape, Lily felt that unsure feeling lock into place. Fear.

Mulciber and Avery sneered at them but their faces took on cruel smiles when their cold gazes stopped at Lily. 

James’ voice vibrated at her back and she startled enough that he put a reassuring hand on her shoulder when he spoke. “Help you with anything, boys?”

Mulciber considered them, his dark eyes taking in their group, he frowned when Lily let out an unwilling sneeze. Avery tapped his wand against the pads of his fingers, one by one, as he continued to smile at them. 

“Our business doesn’t concern blood traitors,” Avery said, hateful eyes lingering on James’ hand on her shoulder.

Lily shivered. Sirius seemed fixated on Avery’s wand as his own hand flexed. A malicious glint had entered his eye at those last words, and Lily sensed his hackles rising. Behind her, James was so tense he barely drew breath. 

Remus sighed and pushed forward. “Well move aside now, you’re crowding the stairwell.”

Their little delay a few minutes ago had ensured that they were the last to leave the dungeons and no one else clambered behind them. It was just the seven of them; even Slughorn was long gone. Mulciber and Avery seemed to realize that; they made no effort to leave. 

“You heard him,” James said tightly, “unless you want to go home hurling up slugs.”

Sirius looked borderline savage, no doubt knowing exactly which hex would cause that. “Make a lovely Christmas present for mumsie, wouldn’t it?”

Lily glanced over at Snape again, only his eyes were focused on a step below them. His wand was in his hand, not subtle in the least, and his shoulders were hunched in simmering hostility. She’s never been on this end of his rage, though she knew James and Sirius had for years now.

 _They’re bullies_ , Snape always said, and yes, he was right. But right now, James and Sirius were making an effort and she— she didn't want to let them go back. She wasn’t about to be cowed by Snape either. 

She pulled out of James’ grasp and went up a few steps. The Slytherins raised their wands, one of them hissing _watch it mudblood_ , though she couldn’t tell who.

“Might I remind you, _gentlemen,_ that magic is forbidden in the corridors.” Her voice rasped from her coughing it at least held firm. She glared at every one of them, even Remus, but most passionately at Sirius and James, pleading. She saved her abhorrence for the Slytherins. “Put your wands away, or it’s detention for you.”

The Slytherins made no such move and she sucked in a breath, breathing out the first syllable, when she locked eyes with— James. She cut herself off at the admiration blazing in his hazel eyes, right behind the fight he surely itched to have.

James cuffed Sirius on the shoulder and then skipped up the steps next to her. “Steady, lads,” he said to them, “we’re a night from freedom, let’s not ruin it now.” 

Sirius grunted, Remus said nothing, but they followed James up the stairs all the same.

Mulciber snorted at this. “The mudblood bitch has made cowards of you all.”

Avery gave a vile laugh and Snape made neither sound nor move. Remus turned sharply. “Ten points from you, Mulciber. Language.” His cool eyes swept over their still brandished wands. “As well as those detentions.” A beat of silence in which the three Slytherins glowered, but Remus shrugged mildly. “She _did_ warn you.”

Upstairs in the brighter, more crowded and open parts of the castle near the Great Hall, Lily unleashed her cold in a volley of sneezes and sniffles and ruined tissues. The boys waited patiently at her side, their tension fading slowly. Then she shot them an unimpressed scowl. 

“Christ,” she wheezed bodily, “what am I going to do with the three of you? Still a pain in my arse...And Remus, _why_ can’t you ever be bothered to use your prefect powers on these two dunces?”

“That was probably the hope, huh,” he replied, which was no help at all. 

“You promised me tea,” Lily sniffled indignantly, and then pulled her robes closer and shivered. “Don’t you dare make me bail you out of another brawl before that happens.”

“More like rob,” Sirius muttered but flashed her a virtuous smile when her scowl deepened, and he laid an arm around her shoulders and steered her toward the same passageway James had shown her months ago. “C’mon, Evans. Tea, then bed I think. And if you’re good, I’ll even tell you a bedtime story about a naughty stag.” He jumped from Lily, dodging James' yelping lunge just in time.

Absurdly, this promise and Sirius’ gentleness made her chin wobble and eyes well up again. 

“Merlin,” James whispered, freezing from trying to wrestle a laughing Sirius when he saw. A second later, his own crimson handkerchief appeared under her nose. Lily eyed it and, just as she took it, James wrapped his fingers around hers and gave her hand a little squeeze. Their eyes met for a second, his affectionate and hers grateful and it was just...nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am Lily when I’m sick: pathetic, sad, and emotional. If anyone as much as breathes nicely in my direction, I’m done for.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _“I miss the air, I miss my friends,  
>  I miss my mother, I miss it when,  
> Life was a party to be thrown,  
> But that was a million years ago…”_  
> -Adele, Million Years ago

_Dear Evans,_

_I hope you’re having a lovely Christmas holiday because I am not. In fact, I seemed to have contracted your plague. I very chivalrously gave you my handkerchief and this is how I’m rewarded._

_Mrs. Potter has been forcing enough tea and broth and potions down my throat that I’m genuinely worried I might drown. Confined to my bed, my only hope for sanity is word about our_ _Dearest Vernon_ _._

_I hope you’re proud._

_-Sirius Black_

_PS, James says hello. I think he wants to say more because he’s staring at me while writing this letter and generally being a nosy prat. Maybe if I screw up my eyebrows and shot him a glance or two, he’ll think we’re conspiring with each other and—_

_PPS, Evans, this is James. Don’t reply to this tosser, he doesn’t deserve your friendship. Hope you’re feeling better. Happy Christmas._

* * *

_Dear Sirius (and James, I suppose),_

_Has anyone told you you’re a tad dramatic? Both of you?_

_I’m so sorry you’ve come down sick, really. If it’ll make you feel better, please know karma has come in the form of my sick sister. Petunia is right furious with me for bringing my cold home as she’s also fallen victim. Her nose has chapped from all her tissues and her makeup looks rather awful with the peeling and...Vernon is visiting tomorrow, so. A Pepper Up Potion should clear that right up though. It didn’t for me but I’m optimistic..._

_Snow seems a sure thing and, with all this tension here, it’d be nice to have a white Christmas._

_Please don’t drown in the meantime,_

_Lily Evans_

_PS: Mum made biscuits and insisted I send some along to you. Enjoy and have a happy Christmas._

* * *

Lily tied off the package onto the Potter’s owl and gave her an appreciative stroke down her silky feathers. She looked through her window and frowned. “You’ll be okay, yeah?”

The owl blinked once at Lily, as if unable to believe she’d ask such a stupid question, and then impatiently ruffled her feathers.

“Fine, fine,” Lily said and opened the window, letting in a gust of icy air and flurries. The owl took off and Lily watched her go, flying on a ribbon off unseen wind. Hastily closing the window, Lily shivered and went about putting away her writing supplies.

Snow was indeed coming. The sky had been moody all morning: a low, unbroken sheet of dark grey clouds. The flurries had started in the middle of Lily writing her letter and she had no doubt they’d thicken and double as the day grew late. She’d almost been irritated at Sirius for sending the owl into it and had even offered for her to stay overnight but...she had no treats or a perch, and the owl seemed eager to return home. 

But that out of her hands and her stationery put away, Lily rested her arms along her window sill and stared out the window. Thin dustings of snow had gathered atop her neighbor’s gardens and flower boxes. Through the gloom there were pops of rainbow light from porch decorations. Behind her, her mother’s baking drifted through her door and Lily breathed it in, long and deep. 

A white Christmas really _would_ be lovely. 

* * *

Christmas morning dawned bright, sunny and white. Blindingly so. 

Snow had come overnight, enough so that by morning there was a respectable six inches covering Lily’s world. It sparkled in the sunlight and the Evans family marveled at it and smiled into their hot chocolates before diving into the important business of present opening. 

Books, sweaters, chocolates and records surrounded Lily’s feet at the end of it, and she let contentment sink her deep into the couch. She glanced at the Christmas tree, dripping in silvery tinsel and glittery baubles, some of which she and Petunia had crafted when they were younger. 

A glass of sherry appeared under her nose and Lily startled, and looked up at her dad in surprise and suspicion.

“I rather think you’re old enough now,” he winked as Lily took it. Then he joined her mum on their sofa, arm around her shoulders, looking cheerful and festive. 

Lily smiled, simply happy that her parents were happy. 

Petunia also held a glass and certainly looked like she needed it. The worst of her cold had gone overnight but her nose was still left red. Lily thought it looked like a holly berry, or Rudolph, but didn’t think Petunia would like the comparison. When she spotted Lily watching, the little wisp of a smile she had fell immediately and she gave a curt nod at Lily’s presents.

“Hide those,” she sniffed. “Before Vernon arrives.”

Lily frowned at her haul: Marlene had given her a short series of wizarding fantasy books; Mary, a set of color changing ink. Remus had thoughtfully sent along a sample selection of Honeyduke’s candies and chocolates, with the other Marauder’s names signed under his. Her parents had even managed to procure a tiny enchanted pendent that shined with real starlight. Of course, it was obvious why Petunia disapproved of those gifts and not the clothing or records her parents had _also_ given her. 

“Not just yet, dear,” their mother spoke up, “Lily’s been away a while; let her enjoy the moment a little longer. Petunia, why don’t you bring out a tray of biscuits?”

Grateful, Lily relaxed into the floral couch cushions with a small smile. Petunia, on the other hand, glowered and then marched to the kitchen to do as she was told, slamming cabinet doors all the while. Dad merely shook his head and asked Mum about their dinner. 

A stab of guilt fell through Lily’s chest and she set her sherry down. In the kitchen, Petunia had finished arranging a pile of biscuits and her eyes were ice when Lily came in. “I told you to stay at your _school,”_ she hissed. “You knew Vernon was coming, how important this is and now you are ruining everything. I’m _sick_ and Vernon—”

“I didn’t plan on getting sick— or you sick, for that matter! Please, Tuney, just take the potion I have,” Lily pleaded, her words catching in her throat. It was amazing how her sister could still reduce her into something so small, even after all these years. “You’ll feel better, I promise.”

“I will _not_ take your _freak_ concoctions!” Petunia hefted the platter into her arms; some biscuits slid toward the edge in her rough handling. She pushed her way back through the kitchen door before Lily could say anything else. 

* * *

Lunch was a dull affair. Or rather, her mother chided Lily for starting to make a sandwich, saying it’ll ruin her appetite for dinner as it was only a few short hours away and promised to burst stomachs. Lily sighed and regretfully returned the sliced meat to the refrigerator, only to pull a biscuit off the kitchen table a moment later because, after all, biscuits did not count as Food during Christmas.

Leaning against the back door, Lily glanced out of its small window and into the garden. The snow had begun to melt under the sunshine, leaving little patches of white and mud grass here and there. Elsewhere, she could hear neighbor children playing outside with their new toys and their laughter mixed with the carols playing softly from the kitchen radio. Lily finished off her biscuit and reached for another. 

“Oh, Lily dear, you haven’t said,” Mum started from the counter. “How’s Severus? Have you two made up since summer?”

Thankfully, Mum was busy peeling potatoes over the sink, her back turned so that she missed the flinch Lily let out. “No, Mum.”

“I wonder why not,” Mum mused, “he always seemed a strange boy but pleasant enough...What happened, dear?”

“I…He just...” Lily put down her cookie, appetite spoiled after all at the reminder of...everything. She sank onto the rickety wooden chair tucked under the kitchen table, and sighed.

She hadn’t told her parents about what it meant to be a muggleborn nor how she was viewed by some circles in the magical world. It wasn’t that they wouldn’t understand but part of her thought they _couldn’t_ understand, having not grown up with anything like it before. 

And it...it might break their hearts a bit. Lily couldn’t stand to be the one to do that. “He just isn’t as nice as I thought. It’s been years, too, Mum and I’m...it’s been enough.”

Mum stilled, peeking over her shoulder at Lily and, seeing something in her expression, set down her peeler and potato. Wiping her hands on a towel, Mum turned fully to Lily and offered her a kind smile. “That must have been a hard decision to make.”

Really, it’d been...easy. Ending the friendship. Like shaking off an old cloak in spring.

Lily closed her eyes and thought of all the times Snape had followed her or watched her or apologized, and all the times she’d heard excuses and not remorse. Finding her bearings as she wandered Hogwarts alone after OWLs, and shutting herself up in her bed with Mary and Marlene, telling herself to stay strong in her decision. Snape standing with Mulciber and Avery in the stairwell a few days ago, making all those same choices.

His resentment toward her. 

Betrayal. 

“Mum,” Lily whispered,“it’s _been_ hard.”

Mum crossed the kitchen and took Lily’s hand in her moist and starchy ones and gave it a squeeze that Lily clung to. Her other arm wrapped around Lily’s shoulder and pulled Lily into her. “You made the healthy choice then. It’s easy to forgive and forget but it’s far more difficult to forgive and walk away. Facing the unpleasant always is, and it takes strength to put yourself first.”

Lily looked up to the ceiling, where Petunia’s bedroom was, as if she could see through the plaster and the floorboards and carpet, right to where her sister no doubt reapplied her makeup. “Mum, you...You don’t think that’s selfish?”

Mum’s eyes followed her daughter’s and she let out a heavy sigh as she sensed the conversation shifting to another all too familiar topic. “I think that there is a vast difference between doing what is right for _you_ and maliciously ignoring others in favor of your own wants. You’ve been away for so long and you’ve had a rough go of it lately.”

Lily’s heart twinged at the hint of sorrow in Mum’s voice. “It’s Vernon’s first Christmas here. I _live_ here...”

“Ten out of twelve months of the year is never enough for a mother,” Mum said firmly, matter of factly, not to be crossed, as she squeezed Lily again. “Vernon is… er, lovely— but you’re _my_ daughter and...dear, I’ve had you a wonderful seventeen years but I’m glad every time you’re home.”

Lily’s smile went a bit wobbly and she felt so, so warm as she wrapped her arms fully around her mother. “I’m glad, too.”

Mother and daughter held each other for a moment longer. Eventually, Mum pulled herself away, tucking her fingers under Lily’s chin to see if she was okay and then, with a bracing clap of her hands, proclaimed the potatoes won’t get themselves peeled and Lily, please, won’t you chop the carrots?

Lily obligingly stood and fetched them from the fridge, a wicked gleam in her eye appearing as she closed the door, bag in hand. “So, Vernon is _lovely,_ then?”

“Lily Jane Evans,” Mum brandished her peeler at Lily like a sharpened wand. “You’ll not take me down that path. Petunia is happy and Vernon hasn’t murdered anyone. Reign in your cattiness on this pleasant Christmas day, I beg you.”

Lily, who had been fighting back giggles at her mother’s tirade, simply said, “yes, dear, though I think you need to reevaluate your standards.”

But Mum wasn’t paying attention anymore; she squinted past Lily, through the window and beyond. “What on Earth is...oh! Must be letters from your friends.” 

Lily turned and indeed, saw two owls hurtling toward the house at top speed. Hastily dropping the bag of carrots onto the table, Lily ran to open the back door, just in time for the owls to swoop in with a flurry of flapping, screeching and general chaos. 

“Settle down!” Lily yelled at them, pointing at the wooden chairs by the table for them. “I see you, yes, very good job delivering my letters, thank you.”

The closest owl, the same one from the day before— James'— fluffed its feathers importantly at Lily as she plucked the letter away. Lily rolled her eyes as she stayed right where she was, unbothered by its gold eyes trained intently on Lily. The other owl was of a shabbier sort, a Hogwarts owl, she realized and it, too, stayed even after being relieved of its burden.

“ _Honestly,”_ Lily grumbled as she opened the first letter, recognizing Sirius’ enviable cursive on the envelope. 

“Wish them all a happy Christmas for me,” Mum said, already back to her work. 

Lily waved her off with a “yeah, yeah” as she opened the letter— and then felt bile rise up in her throat. Sirius’ letter fell to the floor with a flutter as she tore into Marlene’s and read almost the same thing. Ice shot through her as she did, her hands going numb around the parchment.

The kitchen fell silent as Lily finished reading both letters, and the accompanying Daily Prophet article Mary had thought to throw in the envelope, and then she bent and scooped up Sirius’ letter and read the beautiful words again and again. 

  
  


_Lily,_

_There’s been a couple muggleborn attacks around the country. One in Cokeworth. Are you okay?_

_Sirius_

  
  


_Lily,_

_There’s been an attack. Please, please let us know you’re okay. Merlin, we’re about two seconds from catching the Knight Bus to you. Please be okay!_

_Love,_

_Marlene and Mary_

  
  


The _Prophet_ article was barely that: just a square a few inches wide and tall about possible attacks that resulted in three deaths. One, a muggleborn called Janette Middleton, had been found dead in her home in Cokeworth with no signs of struggle, with the muggle police ruling it an unfortunate gas leak. She’d worked in the muggle post office as a systems liaison, making sure anything magical related made it to its proper destination. 

Janette Middleton...why did that name...Janette Middleton, that pretty Hufflepuff who’d been five years ahead of Lily when she’d entered Hogwarts. They hadn’t known each other, being so far apart in years, but Janette had been a chaser on the Hufflepuff team and Lily remembered cheering for her when she’d scored a landslide amount of points against Ravenclaw...

And now she was dead.

A few blocks from where Lily lived, breathed and slept, Janette Middleton had also lived. 

And died.

For being muggleborn. 

Lily swallowed thickly and took a shuddering breath of air. Mum, sensing something, turned with a raised brow. “Everything alright, dear?”

“I…” Lily looked at the kitchen tile and tried to focus on one little detail of it. One of the many scratches or nicks it’d gotten over the years, but she didn’t know what to do with the details, so she closed her eyes instead and shook her head. “I got some bad news, Mum.”

“Oh?” 

“Um.” 

Her parents didn’t know about the troubles within the magical world. The...the war. She’d kept it from them for the simple reason of not wanting them to worry. Hogwarts was magic, after all, but war was a terrible crash of reality. And a war that targeted people like Lily...what parent would knowingly send their child into danger?

Swallowing, Lily said in a quiet voice, “someone’s died, Mum. Another witch in town, Janette Middleton— there was an accident…”

It was as close to the truth as she dared go and even then, it still felt like a disservice and...Lily stared helplessly at the article clipping, and then she shoved it in her pocket so her mother wouldn’t see.

Mum had a far away look on her face, her brows furrowed, and then a horrible look of recognition followed. “Oh! That poor woman. She’s always been so helpful with posting things to you— she was darling in helping order your necklace. I’m so sorry, did she go to Hogwarts? Did you know her well?”

“I...I knew her, yes,” Lily managed out as her mind reeled at this. Her parents knew Janette Middleton. They had spoken with her, possibly been _seen_ with her, ordering magical things. Lily’s stomach twisted uncomfortably. 

One of the owls— the Potter’s— hooted impatiently and Lily shot it an annoyed glare that crumpled as she realized her friends were waiting and worried. Grabbing a magnetic notepad from the fridge and the nearest pen, she scribbled identical messages to each owl. 

“Fly safe,” she told each of them as they flew off a few minutes later, and turned back to Mum— and dove for her arms. 

Mum held Lily tight, stroking her long hair and muttering soft reassurances as silent tears fell from Lily’s eyes. 

There were times at Hogwarts when Lily would miss her mum for all the usual reasons: needing friendship council or advice on boys or a calm perspective when exams came ‘round. Those things, she could and did write about. When Dirk Cresswell had broken up with her, Mum had sent along a long reassuring letter and a box of homemade fudge. Her parents had also been properly pleased when Lily had been made a prefect.

But there were times— like when a Slytherin called her an awful name, or when she felt frustrated by some obscure Transfiguration theory or overwhelmed when a professor didn’t properly explain something that all _non-_ muggleborns seemed to know— that Lily wished she could turn to her mother.

Her parents didn’t know these things though. Magic, to them, was just that, simple and done. They’d been charmed by the fact that Lily had to decide between Divination and Ancient Runes. Staggered to learn dragons and unicorns really did exist. They couldn’t help her with her homework. They still couldn’t grasp that muggles would never find Hogwarts because they _couldn’t._

“It’s charmed to be unplottable,” Lily had told them, excited to share this knowledge she’d found in a book.

“Unplottab— impossible,” her father had exclaimed in bafflement, “you can’t _make_ things unplottable when the land is there.”

“But that’s how it is,” Lily had pressed, “muggles would see it and only see a ruined castle. The protections around it keep them from wandering in, make them go somewhere else and forget about it. Even other magic folk, unless they’re _told_ about it, can never keep it pinpointed on a map.”

By the end of it, anything they didn’t understand would be met with “if you say so, dear” and then they would change the subject to something else entirely. Something distinctly non-magical.

What made it worse was that the majority of Lily’s life at Hogwarts were things they couldn’t understand because it wasn’t their world; the separation of the two got demoralizing at times.

They didn’t know that Petunia’s rejection felt an awful lot like any Slytherin’s rejection. They didn’t know what it felt like to be othered by something she couldn’t control, and for that very thing to be fought over.

They didn’t know what it felt like to leave their world for another, only to return and feel disoriented by what once was, with an out-of-date perspective. Feeling like everything and nothing had changed. Feeling cut off from _that other world._ Feeling like…

Lily didn’t belong with them anymore. 

Sometimes she missed her mum, and these warm embraces and the comforting musk of her perfume, and how it felt to have her mother’s fingers thread through her hair. 

“Shh,” Mum cooed, hands now rubbing small circles into Lily’s back. “It’ll be okay.”

“Mum, do you have any— ” Petunia’s imperious voice suddenly came into the kitchen, only for her to stop in her tracks at the sight before her: Lily red faced and crying; their mum comforting her; fallen tufts of feathers scattered on the floor. “What’s going on? Lily, have there been _owls_ in here— Vernon is due within the hour! _Lily!”_

“Petunia, _hush,”_ Mum said snapped, though not unkindly, “Lily’s had bad news but it’ll be alright, yes?” She leaned a few inches from Lily and inspected her for a moment; Lily sniffled. “Yes. I’ll make you some tea, sit with it in the living room, don’t worry about the carrots. Now, Petunia, what did you need?”

Hand cream, apparently, and Lily watched her mother take a rallying breath before saying where it was and then Petunia was asking more questions about the brand of wine for dinner, the place settings, if Dad had polished the silver…

Lily stood off to the side during it all, quietly dabbing at her eyes and gathering her letters. She felt her mother’s eyes on her all the while, only half paying attention to Petunia as she set the kettle on the stove and Lily made her way to the kitchen door. “I’m just going to make a phone call…”

* * *

Remus answered on the third ring— well, his mother did, and then Lily heard her call for him; his voice came through a few moments later. “Lily— I heard what happened. Everyone is in a right state, are you okay?”

“Fine,” Lily breathed. “I’m fine. Only just found out a few minutes ago.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I sent owls off to the others...Sirius sent me one.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, not at all surprised, “like I said, a state.”

Lily bit her lip, a complicated swirl of emotions going through her at the boys being worried for her. “Owls take ages...Can you— are you able to…?”

“I’ll Floo them, yeah,” Remus finished.

“Thank you,” Lily whispered. She crossed her arms over herself and leaned against the side of the staircase. Her bobbing foot made a rickety sound against the wood panels. Hung tinsel garlands prickled at her neck. And, because she had no one else in this house to say this to, said, “I hate this.”

“I know,” Remus immediately replied. “Mum’s...she only leaves the house if Dad or me are with her now…”

Lily’s insides twisted more at the thought of this; Mrs. Lupin had her husband and, for a short time, her son but Lily’s parents had no one after she left… “Remus...can you tell the others not to send anymore owls here? It’s so close to the attack, people might be watching and I don’t want…”

“Of course,” and then Remus seemed to hesitate, his voice trailing off, deliberating. “D’you mind if I give them your phone number?”

“Sure,” Lily replied and then blinked. She imagined James Potter and Sirius Black, two pureblood wizards, standing above a phone— she held back a snort. “Are you sure they can use one?”

Remus’ voice came back equally wry. “They’re both in Muggle Studies. I’m sure they can manage.” Lily laughed and then winced, and sighed, falling silent. Remus, after a moment, said, “it’ll be okay, Lily.”

The weariness in his voice suggested this was something he told himself a lot, for many reasons. “What if I don’t see it? A happy ending?” 

“Well,” Lily imagined Remus shrugging as he thought about this, “what else are we going to do? Hide in the cupboard under the stairs until it all goes away?”

Lily looked to her left and eyed the tiny brass knob of the Evans’ stair cupboard. “It’s awfully tempting sometimes.”

“Where’s that Gryffindor spirit, Evans?”

“Is that what you do?” Lily asked earnestly, “every month— lion roar at the wolf?”

“Oh yes, and then I wrestle a stag and a dog for dominance.” Lily definitely heard Remus’ eye roll. Sarcastic bastard. “Lily...I’m no expert but I’ve found that friends are a big help in shitty times. I’m glad you called.”

Lily’s throat went thick and she nodded to herself. “I am, too. Thank you, Remus.”

“Anytime, Lily. I better go Floo the others though. Talk to you later.”

“Of course, Remus. Er, happy Christmas, I suppose.”

“Happy Christmas. Stay safe.”

The Evans’ Christmas tree twinkled merrily in the living room, impervious to the world’s events. After Lily hung up the phone, she got the tea from her mother and went sat in the living room, watching the tree stand proud in the window for all the world to see. 

_Stay safe._

She wanted to draw the curtains tight over the windows and block the world out. No one could see them, no one could find them. 

She wanted a simple Christmas from when she was a child. A Christmas full of presents, hot cocoa, crackers and snow. To be one of the children laughing on the streets now, oblivious to the dangers of the world. 

Both worlds. 

* * *

Platform 9 ¾ was already crowded with students and parents alike; her own appeared behind her, and Lily rolled her cart out of their way. 

“Amazing as always,” Mum marveled at the Hogwarts Express and its crimson paint gleaming in the sun. 

“You’ve got all your books, presents and the like?” Dad inspected her trunk like he could see through it. 

“Give your friends our love,” Mum added with an affectionate pat on Lily’s cheek. 

“Write often. You know how your mother frets,” Dad finished, looking away as he said it, completely giving away that he also fretted even as he tried to hide it. 

“Yes, yes,” Lily said impatiently through it all, allowing her father to help her load her trunk up onto the train.

She gave her parents one more hug, one more kiss, and then seriously, one last hug to top it off. They stepped back, the pair of them arm in arm and beaming all the while. Lily returned their smiles with her own and stepped onto the train carriage. 

Across the platform, another family caught her eye; an older couple with gray streaks in their black hair and familiar jawlines, brown skin, eyes and smiles. The mother had her arm looped through the arm of a tall young man with the same brown skin and hazel eyes as her own. The father walked behind them, laughing at something. 

The Potters. 

And of course, Sirius Black right beside Mr. Potter. 

James seemed to be holding back his usually brisk walk as he and his mother approached the train. He seemed as soft as she’d ever seen him when they stopped and he let his mother fuss over him, and then Sirius, whose expression mirrored James’. 

They were close enough that when Mrs. Potter chided them to stay out of trouble, for the love of Merlin, she was getting too old for McGonagall’s wrath, Lily snorted loudly, catching Sirius’ attention.

His handsome face split into a delighted grin. “Evans!” Of course, the use of her surname made her parents turn as well and, seeing them, Sirius’ joy doubled. “Family Evans!”

“Lily,” Mum’s brow was high, her smile sly, as she addressed her daughter but stared at Sirius, so handsome and charming. “I take it you know this young man?”

Lily glowered at Sirius, and James too for good measure, the latter looking alarmed for apparently having done something wrong. “He’s just a friend, Mum. They both are.”

“Lily Evans?” Mr. Potter nudged his son who now wilted against his trunk trolley and refused to look up. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh yeah?” Lily swiveled to get a good look at James, who currently found the bricked ceiling to be utterly fascinating. “Well I’m at a disadvantage, I know nothing about _you.”_

“James,” Mrs. Potter _tsk’d_ at her suddenly defensive son and then elbowed past him to hold out her hand for Lily to shake. “Truly lovely to meet you, dear.”

Lily was amazed to feel how thin and cold her skin felt, like her grandmother’s. Indeed, both Potter parents had their fair share of laugh lines along their eyes and mouths, which crinkled as they ushered James and Sirius forward. “You’d all better be going, or the train will depart without you. I’m not at an age to side-along anyone back to the Highlands anymore.”

“Aw, Mum,” James said, bending to give her a large, embrace, his eyes closing as he breathed her in. “You could slay dragons.”

“And you, Monty, are the only one strong enough to tame the jungle James calls hair,” Sirius praised as he gave his own hugs goodbye to the Potters. 

Mr. Potter seemed not one to fall victim to their charms and waved them away. “Get on with you. Have a wonderful term.”

And, unable to resist this spirit of farewell a second time, Lily stole another embrace each from her parents, lingering a moment longer to take in their beaming faces. She could still smell her mother’s perfume as she pulled away and followed James and Sirius onto the train. 

Lily pressed her forehead to the carriage window and waved to her parents as the train pulled away. Sirius plopped himself onto the bench next to her while James sat across and twisted his body to wave as well.

“Effie’s going to invite them to tea,” Sirius commented knowingly as he kicked off his shoes and stretched across the bench. 

Lily smiled and, still watching through the window, said, “that’d be nice.” Her parents would be thrilled to get to know another magical couple, and parents at that. 

James, still looking embarrassed and red from the platform, lost the rest of his color. “Merlin’s balls, she’s going to ruin me. Shameless…”

“Good,” Lily said, craning her neck to get one last glimpse of her parents as the train left the station and around a slight bend. “You should be knocked down a peg or five.”

James let out an indignant huff. “Betrayal…”

Lily rolled her eyes at his dramatics and elbowed Sirius’ shins beside her. “Budge up, I’m here too.”

“Yeah, yeah.” But Sirius shifted so that his back pressed against bench armrest. His silver eyes considered her. “Glad to see you, after all that horrible...Have a good break?”

Lily looked down at her hands, then at James who’d regained some of his composure, then finally out the window again where London sped by in a blur of white and brick buildings. “Fine. Other than all the...fine.”

“And our dearest Vernon?”

Lily snorted, her breath making a small cloud against the window’s glass. “Large. Vitriolic.”

“Good,” Sirius nodded solemnly, “all is right in the world.”

Lily watched him a moment, so casual and relaxed like this compartment was his home, and then split into a grin when the door opened and Remus and Peter appeared. Greetings went ‘round and Sirius was forced by Remus to make room. Peter offered everyone chocolates which were accepted with enthusiasm.

Lily settled in for the long ride, munching her chocolate and zoning out when James prattled on about Quidditch, or laughing heartily when Sirius regaled them with their outing to a muggle pub in the village near the Potter’s. 

“Never seen him so pissed,” Sirius said about James as he leaned into Lily conspiratorially. “Marched right up to the poor girl and I swear, it might have been smooth, he _might_ have managed a snog— except some bloke beat him to it.”

James had returned to the same shade of red he was on the platform except now his face was buried in his hands in absolute despair. “Padfoot. _Shut up.”_

“ _Meanwhile,”_ Sirius carried on, “Peter here fancied himself some music and started singing the Hogwarts’ school song like the prat he is.”

Lily laughed, and then leaned down into her knees to meet James’ eyes over his silver glasses rims. She couldn’t help but laugh at how pitiful he looked in his embarrassment. “And the girl? What happened to her?”

“Whisked off by the bloke— the boyfriend she remembered she had,” James croaked.

“Oh dear,” Lily cooed and then reached out a hand to pat at his tangle of hair. “Don’t despair, there’ll be another, I’m sure.”

James screwed his eyes shut in more apparent misery and pulled away, falling into Peter with a wail. Lily looked over at Sirius. “Christ, he’s more dramatic than you.” 

The boys all traded mysterious looks and then Sirius threw her an indulgent smile. “Can’t imagine why.”

* * *

Later that night, Lily didn’t even get to appreciate her first look at Hogwarts in two weeks when she was tackled by Mary and Marlene as they met her at the gates. 

“So worried,” they cried, holding Lily close and just a tad too tight. “Glad you’re home.”

Lily had been home just earlier that day, leaving the house early in the morning. She’d woken in her childhood bed, eaten breakfast at her mother’s table, said a terse goodbye to Petunia, and taken one last look sweeping glance down the neighborhood lane. 

The girls pulled away but Lily just couldn’t let go of them just yet. No one in Cokeworth had welcomed her back or seen her off because she just...didn’t exist to them anymore. 

This was different.

“Missed you,” Lily got out as they made their way to the castle, a tangle of arms and hugs and robes. 

_Home,_ Lily thought, as they stepped into the castle. 

* * *

The sixth year Gryffindor girls all found themselves back in their dorm within the hour, a gloom settling over them almost immediately. 

“Mum wanted me to come home,” Marlene sighed. “But I couldn’t leave Mary.”

“My parents don’t know,” Mary gnawed on her lower lip. She perched on the window sill by her bed and stared out to the dark castle grounds, like she could find answers to their world’s problems. “It’s just...it’s better that way.”

“Mine neither,” Lily said, then swallowed. “They met the Potters on the train platform...Sirius said they’d take them to tea…”

Dorcas sat in silence, her face pale but with her jaw set in defiance. Marlene kept sneaking glances at her and then, if a bit hesitant, touched her hand. Dorcas jerked her head up in surprise, softening, and then opened her palm up for Marlene, whose cheeks went a bit pink, but it was like they'd found a life raft in each other then. 

Evelyn said, “the Potters are good people, Lily. Your parents will be safe with them.”

Lily nodded but said nothing, afraid her clogged throat might betray her, even if her burning eyes hadn’t already. She just watched Marlene and Dorcas, glad that in this darkness, something good could still blossom.

A bottle of wine sat in the middle of the floor but no one touched it. It was like their spirits, so high before the holidays, had left them completely.

“I feel like hexing a Slytherin,” Dorcas muttered with a glare. Marlene squeezed her hand.

“Shall I go find the Marauders?” Despite the offer, Evelyn didn’t move an inch. 

Still, Lily shook her head, and finally grabbed for the wine. “Let’s just...spit the lot of _them_ by enjoying the term.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put myself into Lily a bit, again; I live in Japan so visiting my home country is the strangest thing. Like another world. 
> 
> I also sometimes hang out over on [Tumblr](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/) if you'd like to join me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Tonight maybe we’re gonna run,  
>  Dreamin' of when the morning comes…_  
> -Coldplay, Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love

Lily left the library, her eyeballs tired and strained from pouring over sheet after sheet of runes and trying to decipher them. She’d been at it for hours, leaving herself drained and overly tired as she made her way to the common room. 

She was a few halls and one staircase away when she rounded the corner and found James Potter sitting and twiddling his wand as he stared absentmindedly at the ceiling, eyes wandering from archways and carvings and portraits. 

Lily made it a whole three feet from him before he finally seemed to notice and look up— and then his wand went flying out of his hand and clattered on the floor at her feet. 

“Er,” James stared between his wand and her face. 

“Y’know,” Lily said as she knelt down and picked up the poor wand; it felt odd in her hand but not wholly _wrong._ Still, she handed it over quickly. “For Gryffindor’s star Chaser, you sure are clumsy.”

“Excuse me,” James intoned. “I am the paragon of grace.”

“Hmm,” Lily nodded doubtfully. 

Standing above him as he sat so perfectly still, Lily felt like she was seeing him for the first time. His hands were large and calloused, his legs long and his shoulders broad. His hair stuck up like it always did but it drooped in the front, as if also tired from the day. The smudges on his glasses went completely disregarded.

After a moment of sitting, James’ hands twitched and then impulsively started fiddling with his loose tie, wrapping the end of it around his wand...and letting it go. 

James Potter was antsy. 

He was endearing.

Lily sat beside him; his wand unraveled from his tie and he immediately wrapped it up again. “Where’re you doing out here?” She craned her neck around. “And where are the other three stooges?”

James shrugged. “Peter’s scurrying around somewhere. Swear he knows more secret passages than the rest of us…”

“Sirius and Remus?” She couldn’t help the suspicion in her voice; knowing the four of them like she did, she half expected James to be keeping watch for them.

“Uuuh, probably detention,” James replied, rather high pitched; he cleared his throat and it went back to a normal decibel. “Kinda stranded out here…”

Lily was dubious. “You know you have a dorm? Much better than some random hallway...”

James’ face scrunched up as something sprang to life in his head. “Uh, nope, can’t go back there.”

“And why not?”

“Erm.” James squirmed and Lily realized something very important from the other times she questioned him: James Potter does not lie. Not really, not _truly._ “There’s...a dungbomb must’ve, er, expired. Smells like literal shit up there.”

“Wow,” Lily deadpanned. “Must be awful for you all.”

“Mhmm. Shit.”

Lily had the grace to let him get away with it for another few seconds and then she shook her head and swatted his shoulder. “For a marauding wizard, you are a _shit_ liar.”

“Well!” James’ defensive squeak sounded remarkably like Peter. “Ask me no questions and maybe I’ll stand a chance.”

“How have you learned _nothing_ from Sirius, master bullshitter?”

“Aw, Evans, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for his charm.” He looked a bit pained at the prospect. 

Lily waved his fear away. “What’s _really_ happening up there?” 

“Merlin, please don’t do this to me,” James sighed greatly and looked heavenward, as if the legendary wizard were actually listening through the ancient stones of Hogwarts. “I may be brilliant in Transfiguration— you know it’s true, don’t deny it— but McGonagall’s essay wiped me. I’ve nothing at the moment.”

Lily rolled eyes. “Well you can’t stay out here, it’s nearly curfew.” James gave her a glance that said, yes he absolutely could stay out there and he was absolutely planning on it. “Common room?”

James shrugged and threw his hands up— and then remembered he was still holding his wand and scrambled to catch it. “Christ and Merlin. Can’t a bloke brood in peace?”

Lily snorted and then stood, brushing off her robes, and slinging her bag over her shoulder. “C’mon, you can brood just as easily by the fireplace.”

“Nah,” James said and jumped to his feet. “I know a better spot.”

* * *

Lily took in the cupboard, her brows knit together skeptically, her wand light disrupting the shadows.

It was long forgotten, tucked up in a far corner on the fourth floor and covered with a healthy layer of dust. Spindly brooms were propped against one wall, cobwebs wrapped generously around its bristles. Buckets were littered on the floor, some overturned, some full of filthy rags stiff and crusty with age. 

“Cozy,” she quipped to James, and nudged a bucket with her toe before casting a cleaning charm on it and claiming it as a seat.

“Yeah,” James said fondly, choosing a bucket of his own, right across from Lily. “It is.” Their wand light cast strange, dramatic shadows over James’ face. He looked like the hero in an old film. “Where’re Mary and Marlene?” 

Lily let out a thoughtful breath as she mentally tracked her roommates. “Marlene’s holed herself up in her bed to finish her Divination dream journal— something about...getting into the dreaming mood? I told her ‘yikes’ and left...Mary’s down in the greenhouses, probably elbow deep in fertilizer for her plant pet projects.”

They fell silent, with James’ attention falling to his feet and tapping his heels together mindlessly. It kicked up little puffs of dust from the floor; Lily bent forward and dragged a finger along the old wood and wrinkled her nose at how solid the dust felt...but still drew a little swirl by her foot. 

James did something odd then: he opened his mouth, then made a choking sound and clamped it back shut. Then, with what seemed like great difficulty, he said, “thoughts on curry?”

Lily, who had been watching this with a small amount of concern for James, squinted at him. “Potter— what?”

“Mum makes amazing Indian food,” James carried on; she could tell, beside the jumpy shadows and general darkness of the cupboard, that he was going pinker by the second. “Sometimes she cooks curry into mince pies and my heart weeps with joy. I should write her, have her send some…”

“You’re obligated to share,” Lily said, “now that you’ve prattled on about them. Incidentally, I like tikka masala.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” And at the slow smile creeping at his mouth, and the amused glint in his eyes, she immediately felt defensive, though Merlin knew why. Maybe because it spelled out absolute doubt. “Why so amused?”

“Oh just,” James actually laughed. “Sirius can’t stand hot spice, you know. Says it feels like a Cruciatus Curse in his mouth...I hope he’s joking...Remus and Peter are a bit better, but Peter spends longer crying and than actually eating so I’m not sure I believe his claims of tolerance.”

Lily lifted her chin in challenge. “Let me know when your mum’s pies arrive.”

James smiled. “Alright.”

James continued on tapping his heels together but also started twisting the end of his jumper in his hands. Absentmindedly, humor and mischief gone from view; he chewed on his lip a bit, and Lily remembered why he was out in the first place.

She reached forward, body stretching, until her finger touched the tip of his shoe. He stopped his tapping; his body went still again. “What are you brooding about?”

James was silent for a moment and then he made a sound at the back of his throat that sounded like frustration. He looked up: fiery hazel, an ocean rainbow in the white light of his Lumos charm. “I can’t tell you that.”

Lily, whose breath had caught for the briefest of moments, recovered and snorted. “Right. You’re _so_ honorable.”

The spark in him...didn’t go away, just shifted into fondness. “Just like Dad raised me.” James’ chest puffed up proud and he beamed a broad grin at her.

“Yes, all your detentions and pranks are certainly what your father had in mind.”

James nodded, still smiling, and was silent for a moment, nostalgia blooming over him. “Actually. I’m sure you noticed but m’parents are older. They taught me to ride a broom but when I got older their energy started to flag while mine skyrocketed. Magic was easier than running around. Simple little tricks, mischief, that sort of stuff. It made me laugh, which made them laugh.”

She never knew that, because he never talked about it. She never asked. There were a lot of things she hadn’t asked about like— 

“James,” she said softly, and he perked right up, attentive and open. “What do you want to do after Hogwarts?”

To her surprise— or, rather, dismay— he didn’t split into a cocky grin and go on about Quidditch teams or recruiters or anything of the like. He frowned and looked down at his hands. 

“I’m sure you know what’s happening out there right now,” he started, voice soft. Thoughtful.

“‘Course,” Lily said, her heart suddenly giving an uneasy thump, “you’d have to live under a rock not to.”

“Yeah…” James rubbed the back of his neck; he looked bashful as he admitted, “I don’t have to work. Don’t look at me like that, it’s not arrogance, it's a fact. Dad’s got it all set, with his potions and the family wealth even before that. Mum’s never done too bad herself, either. So even if I fail all my courses, it’s okay.” Then he paused and looked mildly horrified. “Well. Mum might murder me, but. My point is that you— if _you_ want to stay in the magical world, you have to work.”

“Yeah,” Lily agreed, “but you know, so do...ninety-nine percent of everyone else in this castle, so…”

“And how many of them are passed over opportunities because they’re muggleborn?” James easily countered, much to her obvious surprise. He laughed ruefully. “I’m not dumb, Evans, I _do_ read the papers. Advantage of having older parents. They’re retired, all they do is discuss and read and discuss some more, a lot of times with me. It’s bad out there, I know. And it doesn’t have to be— that’s what I want to do.”

Lily’s eyes fell away from James, blinking, and she thought of what Remus said to her on rounds all those months ago: she didn’t know James at all. “You never talk about this,” she whispered. 

“Nah, I just hex Slytherins like any rational teenager,” James laughed, a touch self-deprecating. “Besides, the pranks and all...just want a laugh, that’s all.”

“‘With great power comes great responsibility,’” Lily quoted and, when James stayed silent, she clarified, “muggle comic, never mind. But you understand, right? The Potters are respected— you could do so much.”

“Yeah, after Hogwarts,” James said slowly, like she wasn’t understanding. 

“Yes, but _now_ —”

“ _Now,_ I have to be pragmatic. McGonagall already stressed last year that no resistance is going to take on a sixteen year old,” James snorted and then paused— like maybe he shouldn’t say this next bit but he sighed anyway. “Sure, I could do...something, but my parents and I have talked a lot about what would happen if politics were brought into Hogwarts. Nothing good, you know? So for _now_...I’d rather enjoy now while I can.”

There it was, the fire in his eyes again. He’d gotten huffy in his passion too, his breath fast. Lily found herself unable to look away from it, from the way their wand light just made him burn bright. And his words— they gripped her heart with their truth.

“Evans,” James said softly. “Where will you be after Hogwarts?”

Where— she knew right away what he meant: magical or muggle. 

Lily’s gaze drifted over to the closed wooden door where the castle, her friends, everything she dreamed as a child, lay. She thought of Mary and Marlene, as they embraced her outside the castle gates, and the pull of welcome she felt every time she stepped inside these ancient walls. 

Leave it? 

It wasn’t even a thought in her mind.

Lily lifted her chin and stared James down. “I have not put my blood, sweat, and tears into my education here to just abandon it at the door when I leave.”

James beamed a smile at her. “There she is, the fearless Lily Evans.”

Being on the receiving end of James’ pride was a little overwhelming since he seemed to have so much of it to give. She squirmed a little and, when her wandlight caught the reflection of his glasses, she tutted. 

“Oh, _honestly,”_ she said, reaching out for them. James went still, his smile falling away as she took them from his face and inspected the smudges. “How can you even _see.”_

“Er…” But he did nothing, just watched (squinted) as she wiped them onto her robes. After the first minute of it, she gave him a withering look of _seriously, you savage,_ but she doubted he could properly see and appreciate it. 

“There,” she said when she finished, holding them up for one last inspection, and then slipped them back onto James’ nose. 

James blinked as his eyes adjusted to proper sight again and then his beaming smile was back. “Miracle worker, Evans, wow.”

“James Potter, _you are a wizard.”_ She shoved at his shoulder and he fell against the stone wall laughing. “Clean them yourself next time.”

“Will do,” he saluted her, his smile going dopey at her, unable to look away. 

It was...disconcerting, the way her chest tightened under his delighted stare. She looked away, her cheeks heating up a bit. “We should get going. Curfew and all.”

“Yeah...hmm...” James frowned and started rummaging around in his bag until he pulled out a little silver compact mirror. Lily immediately readied a quip about his vanity but it died in her throat when he started shouting at it. “Padfoot— _Padfoot._ Merlin’s saggy— Sirius Black, answer me right now, you bloody tosser—”

“The fuck?” Lily scrambled off her bucket and leaned toward James, her side pressed against the stone wall and her knees against his shoulder, so that she could see the mirror’s reflection flash the palest of blues and then— Sirius Black was grinning like the cat who’d gotten the cream. 

“Well hello there, love,” Sirius winked. “Hiya, Lily.”

Lily gave a little wave but remained silent as she worked through her amazement.

James was huffy. “Take it you’re finished? Can I sleep now?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius casually fluffed his hair.

Lily narrowed her eyes at the both of them, which was strange considering Sirius was currently in a mirror. “I’m obligated to ask as prefect— what trouble are you two plotting?”

“No trouble, Evans,” James laughed, completely truthful, but then he looked thoughtful. “Well, not unless Peter found that—”

“I’m not listening!” Lily clamped her hands over her ears and stood up fully. “I’m going up to my dorm and pretending we had a lovely chat about the future and _only_ that.”

“Lovely chat, you say.” Sirius’ voice sounded suggestive and James snapped the compact shut before he could say anything else. 

“I hate him,” James said, followed up by, “I love him. Prick.”

* * *

The conversation stuck around with Lily the next few days, distracting her and hovering at the edges of her thoughts. 

She only barely knew what she wanted to do after Hogwarts. Potioneering, maybe, but which field wasn’t concrete, just a passing thought to be contemplated during quiet moments in class or the dorm or between her friends. 

“We could set up shop, you and I,” Mary had once said long ago, long enough that Lily couldn’t quite remember when. “Magical apothecary— I’ll take care of the plants, you can do the potions.” 

Lily hadn’t even told her parents about the war. And here was James, knowing he’d play an active role in it. Did the other Marauders know what they would do as well? 

Sirius, he was easy: he’d already defied his dark family, surely he’d stand beside James in the war, natural rebel that he was. Remus and Peter, they just completed the set, didn’t they? Where one Marauder was, three more were sure to follow. 

“Remus,” she said one night during rounds, because she couldn’t quite _see_ wry and mild Remus as a resistance fighter, “what will you do after Hogwarts?”

“I’ll take what I can get,” he shrugged, a shadow crossing over his face as his scarred jaw set and he turned away. It left Lily feeling oddly glum for him, knowing that his lycanthropy would mean a lifetime of prejudice, and she didn’t bother asking Peter. 

Only, it was Lily and her friends she was uncertain of— well, except Dorcas, _she_ seemed ready for a fight. Evelyn seemed torn between her family’s wants of sending her to safely France and her own desire to stay. Mary and Marlene seemed as content as Lily was just to complete their school work and toss around vague fancies.

The war had seemed so far away, it was only their sixth year, and yet, now, suddenly it was so close. 

“Lily,” Evelyn said to her one day in the Common Room, during a rare time the girls all had break together. “You alright?” At Lily’s furrowed brow, Evelyn clarified, “you seem distracted these days.”

It’d been decided during breakfast, when they’d watched a Ravenclaw girl, Georgia Clark-Day, burst into tears over her NEWTs, to take a break from studying and try to relax. So, upon returning to the Common Room, Mary dug out her ancient pack of playing cards. Marlene and Dorcas opted for commandeering Peter’s chess set, though they seemed to be more whispering and giggling together in low tones than actually playing. 

Faced with Evelyn’s question now, Lily glanced up from the flickering fire. “James wants to fight in the war.”

"I'm not surprised.” Evelyn considered Mary’s cards, and finally decided on the left most one. No matches. 

"Mm…Use his Potter Influence,” Lily took a card from Evelyn. “Just one problem."

Mary did a little happy wiggle when she got a match from Lily. "Yeah?" 

"He's great at keeping secrets.” Lily said. “But he's a terrible liar. Literally can't. Human veritaserum."

"Oh dear." Evelyn said, glaring at Mary when for whatever card she took. She made sure to shuffle her hand before holding them up for Lily. 

The Joker, of course. Lily put it off to the side, hoping Mary would take it but...no such luck. Mary tossed down another match. 

Lily stared at her cards, not really seeing them, and then sighed and let her hands drop to her lap. Evelyn arched a brow, her hand frozen in air just before Mary’s hand, and she traded looks with the other girls. 

“So what’s he got to do with you?” Dorcas said, just before claiming one of Marlene's pieces.

“It’s just…” Lily began, flicking the soft, worn edges of the cards, “well do _you_ know what you’re going to do after Hogwarts?”

“Assuming we have a future,” Mary said, lowering her cards, “that’s a problem for Future-Mary.”

“Mary,” Marlene started, slowly, stilling. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” she shrugged, as if it were obvious. “With the war and me being muggleborn, it’s...hard to be optimistic.”

Uneasy, heavy silence fell between the girls and Lily regretted ever bringing it up. Mary bit her lip; Evelyn bowed her head; Marlene looked out the window, as if the watery sunshine beyond its glass held respite. 

“Potter wants to fight,” Dorcas said, nodding to herself, “good for him. Maybe I’ll join him.”

“Really,” Lily stared at her. “You would? That easily? What about your family?”

“Half of them are muggles,” Dorcas said and then her eyes softened as she looked at each girl. “And so are your families— er, not you Evelyn, but I’d still fight for you. Just so you know. I’d protect all of you if I could.”

Evelyn was visibly touched and she mouthed a thanks to her friend. 

“Just like that,” Lily breathed, unable to keep the skepticism from her voice, though she winced right after she said it and all the girls looked at her. “Only...well, we don’t have ages left at Hogwarts, just over a year, but even still it’s so soon to decide, especially since we barely…”

Dorcas cut her off, firm in her answer. “We’ve known each other for five and a half years.” As if that said everything and, when Lily thought about it, it did. 

They lived in the same dorm, knew each other’s idiosyncrasies, how to push each other’s buttons, how to soothe and comfort. They knew their histories, their worries, their desires. Seven years they’d spend together and Lily knew, when they left Hogwarts, they’d leave with a bond that would never be severed by the years.

“Lily,” Marlene said gently, her hand touching Lily’s shoulder. “We’re like family.”

Lily wasn’t sure how to respond to this. She knew, these were her people, but Petunia's lack of positive affirmations made Marlene's words difficult to swallow. She felt oddly warm all the same. 

* * *

The holiday refresh had long ago faded and Lily was back to feeling exhausted in the morning and aching in her eyeballs by night. It seemed everyone was right there with her as most of them spent breakfasts drowning in coffee. 

And so, the next Saturday felt like a blessing as it allowed Lily to sleep in past seven...all the way to seven-thirty because a sudden twist of anxiety hit her hard in the gut and there was no going back to sleep after that. She got up, grabbed her bag and textbooks and begrudgingly started her day. 

Down in the Great Hall, Lily was scooping a mountain of sugar into her coffee when a familiar brown owl landed on her pile of textbooks. Lily blinked slowly at it. “James is over there."

If owls could roll their eyes...this one looked to the side for a moment, and then stuck her leg out and hooted. A few seats away, Peter looked up from his porridge. “Oi, Prongs, Sita’s here.”

James looked skyward first, delight on his face at the prospect of hearing from his parents, but Peter elbowed him pretty quick. His delight turned incredulous when he saw the owl by Lily. “Betrayal!”

“What— _ow!”_ Lily pulled her hand away when Sita pecked her in impatience. “Yeah, alright, alright.”

She untied the package, amazed to see it was addressed to her in the loveliest cursive. A letter was attached as well, the writing on it matching the package, and she tore into it.

_Dear Lily,_

_Your mother tells me you’re turning seventeen in a few days, while James tells me you have a fondness for curry. I hope these pies find you well and you have a lovely birthday._

_Best wishes,_

_Euphemia Potter_

And indeed, there was a small pile of mince pies within the box when she opened them, all smelling divine. Lily flashed James a grin and offered Sita a small piece of bacon. “I haven’t got a quill or parchment so I’ll write later. Thank you.”

Sita gave a satisfied hoot and then was off, soaring out of the Great Hall on her beautiful wings. James watched in disbelief, a tragic hand stretched out after her. “Am I slowly being replaced by my friends?”

“Our mums are friends,” Lily offered, like it was a consolation prize. 

“I wonder when it’ll backfire on me,” James muttered darkly.

Lily spread some jam on a piece of toast, letting it go all the way to the edges in thick globs and took a large bite. She munched happily, thoughtfully, and then downed it with some coffee. “When you were six you somehow magic’d yourself up to the top of the Quidditch rings in your back garden. Caused a huge fuss when you didn’t know how to get down. Soiled your—” 

James stood abruptly, cutting her off and knocking over his and Peter’s coffees. “ _Lily Evans_ —” He sounded remarkably like McGonagall while Sirius barked a laugh and Remus choked on his own; Peter shot him a glare for his coffee and poured another. “I thought we were friends. You let me spill my heart out to you the other day while you _knew,_ this _whole time.”_

Lily contemplated her toast and nodded to herself, then at James, flashing him a cheeky grin. “Yeah, I did.”

James sputtered, then seemed to notice his coffee had seeped through his trousers. Lily’s grin didn’t let up the whole time and, victim to it, James’ mortification soon softened a petulant pout. 

* * *

The thing was, though, her birthday was the very next day. One sunrise away, and this was her last day of being sixteen. Good luck meant it was Saturday which, in turn, meant that when Lily finished her breakfast, she and the other girls bid the boys farewell and were off.

Mary and Marlene had talked Lily into having a bit of a celebration, though they didn’t have to try too hard. Lily’s birthdays had always a minor event among the Gryffindor girls, with chocolates and candies as presents— and, in later years, smuggled drinks— because she’d always felt obligated to share part of it with Severus, who mostly whinged about the girls’ 'improper behavior'.

This year, Lily realized when the girls asked about her birthday, was the first year she didn’t have to do that. Thank Merlin.

“Calls for a rager,” Mary had said, “I’d love to see Snape’s face when he hears the after party gossip.”

“Absolutely not,” Lily laughed and ultimately decided upon a quiet night in the dorm, with just her roommates and Evelyn’s champagne.

Only thing was: Lily and the girls were drowning in NEWT homework so Lily had consented to a party, so long as they could fit a day of studying in first. She flat out _refused_ to celebrate on her actual day, as it was a school night.

Fortunately, it was a productive day; Lily finished a Transfiguration essay, outlined another for Charms, and decoded some Ancient Runes. Her hand ached from the writing, her eyes burned from the rest, but it was done. A small weight off her shoulders. She also wrote Mrs. Potter a thank you note and, after half a second of ethical thought, begged for more stories of James as a child.

* * *

Between academic stress and the general need to let loose, the sixth year Gryffindor girl’s dorm was absolutely wrecked by nightfall.

They’d pulled their blankets and pillows from their beds and crafted a nest right in the middle of the floor. Chocolate wrappers lay discarded amidst it all, along with the crumbs of Mrs. Potter’s amazing curry mince pies. Their card game had long ago been abandoned for Exploding Snap though that too had been given up at some point as well. Now, in the mood for cards again, they set about hunting down the full pack from wherever they’d been tossed and scattered.

Evelyn had smuggled in a few bottles of her family’s champagne and Transfigured a couple stolen goblets from the Great Hall into proper glass flutes. (“No friends of mine shall drink _champagne_ from _pewter_ , I swear upon Morgana’s _tits_.”) The girls drank generously, loudly, giggling whenever the bubbles tickled at their noses.

They were sloppy in the card hunt, drunk as they were. Marlene was on her knees by Dorcas’ bed, still searching for some cards. “Dorcas, darling— _ow_ — why are there so many— _fucking_ — bits of parchment under here? Why haven’t the elves gotten to them?” 

Dorcas, head tilted and eyes dark, didn't answer, distracted by— Marlene, who emerged backwards from under the bed, cardless and rubbing the back of her head with a pout. Lily blinked, looking back at Dorcas who now smoothly averted her gaze. Oh. 

“Oh my God, you guys.” Mary suddenly remembered something. “We’re witches! _Accio cards!_ ” 

Drunk summoning— the cards all flew out from their hiding spots in the blankets and pillows; Mary’s sloppiness meant some cut too close to the girls and flew into them or their hair or— Lily flinched, as one nicked her cheek. She threw a pillow at Mary.

The dorm's clock chimed midnight then, with all the girls exploding into birthday wishes for Lily. She stumbled up to her feet and to the window by her bed. She squinted out into the darkness, to the grounds and the black blotch that was the forest. 

Only midnight...it’d be some time until...She turned to the others. “Let’s see the sunrise.”

* * *

Wood was hard. _Solid._ It also gave a satisfying thud under Lily’s fist as she shouted, “Potter!”

A confused, soft _what the bloody hell_ could be heard from behind the closed door, until it clicked and creaked open and Remus Lupin stood there as pale and tired looking as always. 

“Remus!” Lily pulled him into a hug— and then she pushed past him into his dorm. 

Remus let out another confused curse before closing the door. “Er. Welcome, Lily? Happy birthday?”

Lily gave him a wide, goofy grin, and then looked around. She’d never been in the boys’ dorm before; she’d never had reason. It was, somewhat predictably, in a state of general chaos. Socks, robes, shirts, parchment, pens, ink...they all lay scattered about the room. Lily barely went two steps in before her toes bumped into what looked like a Transfiguration book. The diagrams made her dizzy, and she shook her head.

It smelled okay, though, like warm cedar and spice, and Lily was reminded of Amortentia, so she breathed it in deep. More books lay over there...some Muggle records and band posters...Quidditch posters... _lots_ of red, everywhere. And boys all in their sleepwear; Sirius lounged shamelessly in his underpants while Peter pulled up his blankets to his shoulders.

James sat at the edge of his bed, wearing red sleep trousers, his glasses crooked, like they'd been shoved on hastily. His arms alternated between resting on his lap, then his bed, then he tried crossing them...Lily narrowed her eyes and jabbed a finger at him. He shrank back.

“I need you,” she told him.

From his own bed, Sirius clapped his hands in enthusiasm. “That’s what I’m talking about! ‘Bout time, Evans, good for you.”

James gaped at her, and then looked about the room at the other boys; Peter utterly lost on his bed, Remus fighting laughter by the door...he came back to Lily. “This is not how I imagined…”

“Sneak me out of the castle,” Lily went on, swaying a bit as she said it. “You know passages and weird corridors, you know how.”

James considered her some more, hazel eyes going up and down in amused delight. “You’re drunk.”

“Evelyn’s got champagne. It’s my birthday.”

“Gonna share, Evans?” Sirius spoke up. 

* * *

“Merlin, Lily,” James whispered as he led them down a dark passage a few hours later, “don’t make me cast a silencing spell on you.”

The boys decided it’d be best, for Filch and patrol purposes, to split into pairs and groups. Luckily, there were down two as Evelyn and Peter had both long ago dozed off. Lily claimed James, as she had when she declared their mission in his dorm, and he’d walked out of the dorm looking like he’d tasted sunshine. He soon regretted this whole endeavor as she was quite loose on her feet and couldn’t stop giggling.

“You can’t,” Lily swatted at his arm, “It’s my _birthday.”_

"I heard." James smiled down at her. “And a happy birthday to you.”

Their journey through the castle was a blur of dark, shadowy corridors— of shushes while James poked his head around corners, and champagne sloshing as they drank more. 

Lily’s heart hammered loudly as she trailed after James; she told herself it was for the thrill of sneaking out. She went breathless every time he grabbed her hand and pulled her into a run down the staircases, through corridors, and finally outside.

Late January was freezing; their breath came out in puffy white clouds and their cloaks rustled over leftover patches of snow. But a few stars still sparkled overhead, and the moon was the color of their champagne in the dusty blue sky. James cursed the cold as he bunched his cloak up around his pajamas. He cast a warming charm on the both of them and Lily pulled her own cloak close around her as warmth seeped into her. 

“C’mon,” he told her with a tilt of his head toward the south side of the castle. Snow crunched under her boots as she hurried to follow.

They passed the Greenhouses and skirted the edge of the Forbidden Forest, the trees a looming shadow to their left. Lily found someone’s footprints in the snow— maybe one of the girls’ or boys’ because they jumbled into other prints— and she took silly delight in fitting her own feet in them and following their path.

They were going to the boat house, she realized, when the lake came into view. 

The others were already in the boat house when they arrived; James and Sirius hefted boats into the water while everyone else hunted for oars. Lily climbed into a boat with Mary; James pushed it into the water and jumped with a terrifying wobble that made the girls screech with laughter. Dorcas cursed Sirius soundly when he did the same.

On the lake, the sky had lightened to the palest of blues, and they drifted out, James guiding their little boat west, away from the forest but where the castle rose up and up into the sky. 

Lily couldn’t feel her cheeks and her champagne glass was ice in her hand. James stole it from her, apparently done with rowing, and he drank deeply before Lily could snatch it back. 

“Rude,” she chided with a giggle. 

He tapped the tip of her nose with a finger. “Service fee.” 

“Shh, guys, it’s happening,” Mary shouted, pointing east with an eager finger.

“Sunrises don’t make noise?”

“Well, daft knobs do, it’s how they get caught, so shuddup.”

“LILY! Lily, you won’t dock points from us, will you?”

“I should _give_ you points, for best birthday.”

“Lily, no. The record books…”

“It’ll go on record as best party! Forever!”

“Yes, and McGonagall will kill us, dear.”

Lily pouted at that. “She can’t, it’s my birthday.” A hand patted the top of her head softly and she looked over to see James grinning at her indulgently.

“She can, Evans,” he counseled her. “Our dearest Minnie’s heart has long been frozen over to such matters, surely you know that.”

“I blame you.”

“Pretty sure the Prewett brothers got to her first, but thanks.”

Soft golden light broke over the tree line and Lily fell silent as she watched it slowly rise, pinks and reds seeping into the night’s blue. It sparkled over the lake, all the way to their boats; Lily flicked a finger over the water but James’ hand shot out and brought it back in.

“Please don’t make me save the birthday girl from the giant squid,” he said, carefully setting her hand back into her lap, safe and sound.

“Shh,” Lily patted at his own hair, so thick and soft, “the giant squid is a noble and gentle creature.”

James didn’t contradict her, just smiled at her and then up at the sunrise.

"Oi," Sirius' startled voice floated over, "are you two _snogging?"_

"Shh," Remus said softly, chuckling, and Lily looked over to see him forcibly turning Sirius' head away from a _very_ snuggled up Dorcas and Marlene. 

The boat rocked as Mary started whinging about the cold, and then stood to come close to Lily, muttering about how the other girls had the right idea. Lily took Mary's freezing hand to steady her, laughing when she fell into Lily. 

“Alright, MacDonald?” James sounded amused as Mary also tossed her champagne glass away. 

“Bloody freezing.” Mary's voice was muffled in Lily’s cloak.

Lily had to agree, even with the warming charm still on her. She looked at James. Her heart still had the same _pitter-patter_ it had when they’d gone through the castle. But they were here now, in the boats, watching the sunrise. His glasses reflected its light, and he had a golden aura around him.

 _Beautiful_ , Lily wondered, at the golden light. At the softness of the early morning. At the way the gold caught angles of James’ face that made his jaw look strong, his smile bright. His eyes flicked over to hers.

“What?”

“Mm,” Lily sucked in a breath, and looked away, where she was supposed to be looking: out toward the forest. “Sunrise looks good on you.”

Mary snorted into Lily’s shoulder and Lily jabbed her hard in the side. James seemed to have a hard time keeping a toothy grin taking over his very being.

“I _always_ look good,” he boasted. 

Lily rolled her eyes. “Weak.” But she very slowly reached out and ran a finger over the back of his hand. It was so, so warm against hers, like a simmer, and he turned his hand and threaded their fingers together, palm to palm. 

_Strong_ , she thought, as they fell into silence and watched the sunrise above them. When she leaned in closer to him, she blamed the cold and his fading warming charm...when she rested her head on his shoulder, she blamed it on the sleepless, perfect night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -You know that bit from Brooklyn-99 where Santiago tries to make small talk about hummus? I saw that and thought, "ah yes, James flirting with Lily."  
> -James' playlist song for this chapter would be _I'm a Mess_ by Ed Sheeran.  
> -Birthday sunrise 100% inspired by [this scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2Lx0ysJCno) from _Marie Antoinette_.  
> -[Tumblr](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Everything I used to be is turning inside out,  
>  Upside down,  
> It’s got me spinning round and round and round…_  
> -James Wendt, Scooters
> 
> _Tw: mention of a family death near the end._

A sort of charged hush fell over the dorm after Lily’s birthday. Dorcas and Marlene spent long moments together, sealed away behind the thick curtains of either of their beds, a silence spell firmly in place. Meanwhile, Lily, Mary and Evelyn fell into a tidy, new group that felt a touch too quiet without the other two girls.

Every time Lily walked through the dorm while they were tucked up there, she paused. Not to be crude, but to marvel at this simple reminder of how quickly things came about. More than her years at Hogwarts coming to an end, it was _this._ Just a few months ago, Marlene had been silently longing for Dorcas and now, in the blink of an eye, the two girls were together. 

Logically, Lily knew how it’d happened: while she was off studying, or chatting with James, they’d caught each other’s eyes and went off together, to their own cozy corners of Hogwarts. They’d gone off and had their own romance story while Lily was too melancholy to look properly. 

"That was _not_ our first kiss," Marlene had giggled to Lily the afternoon of the sunrise, "can you imagine? In front of the boys? No thanks. It was just, that moment— she was so beautiful, you know?”

Inexplicably, Lily had thought of James and how golden he’d looked, and she’d understood. The soft, red glow of Lily's bed curtains enhanced Marlene's general happy aura, the blissful smile that graced her lips as she no doubt thought about Dorcas.

"You're happy," Lily had observed with a whisper.

"I am," Marlene had simply answered. And now here they were, walking on air, hand in hand: Marlene and Dorcas. 

Just sort of funny, how things snuck up on you and changed everything...

* * *

A week later, Lily stormed out of Transfiguration, her heart thudding and a loud roar in her ears— in her head, her _brain._ She heard someone call out behind her, but she kept going. The lunch bell rang, clanging loudly through the castle and she went against the tide of students hurrying to the Great Hall.

Lily wasn’t hungry though, not really. She didn’t think she could stomach anything, not with the way her insides churned.

It wasn’t far to the fourth floor, and the cupboard— the same one James had taken her to— was blessedly empty when she reached it and promptly kicked a bucket to the wall with a frustrated whine. 

“Evans.” Lily whirled and there was James Potter in the doorway, wide eyed and concerned, eyeing the bucket warily. He took a hesitant step forward. “You alright?”

Seeing him, whether it was from his presence or him seeing her at a weak point, made her stomach twist some more. She backed into a wall and sank onto the filthy floor, her knees tucked up to her chin. 

“I just,” she began, and then rolled her eyes, mostly to herself. “I’m just having a moment. It’ll pass.”

“A moment.”

Lily eyed the door behind James but he took another step into the cupboard, clearly intent on not leaving. It felt like a few weeks ago, when he needed to brood and they’d come here. And it’d been...a good conversation. Well, here he was again, only _she_ needed to brood.

“I just…” Lily huffed out some air. “The quiz today. I know the answers but it’s like sometimes it just all catches up to me. How important NEWTs are for me. _Why_ they’re important and I…”

In a moment of distraction, in the middle of McGonagall’s surprise quiz, she’d wondered when she’d _actually_ need to know Latin root word for _brass_ when the answer was, of course, _anytime._ Brass was a common metal for potion instruments, what if she needed brass but could only Transfigure something…

Or what if she got a job for, say, the Muggle Artefacts department at the Ministry— she might have to know then...Or she might not even have that job because some pureblood knew the root word and _she_ didn’t and— 

“My score will be rubbish,” she mumbled to herself. 

James knelt in front of her and placed a comforting hand over hers. She took a bracing breath, letting both it and James ground her. 

“Listen,” he said as he joined her against the wall, scooting closer to her. She made a grumpy sort of sound, just for the spite of it, but he nudged her. “No, really listen. You’re brilliant. I know because your scores nearly match mine.”

“Oh, _ha,"_ she scoffed in his face.

“We’re top of the class, Evans,” James said with no small measure of pride. “You belong up there. And you’ll walk out of Hogwarts with the cushiest Ministry job of us all, just wait.”

“I was, er,” Lily admitted, looking at his hands still on hers, “thinking of going after some potioneer apprenticeships.”

“Great,” and Merlin, he really did sound genuinely pleased with her, “ _brilliant._ Hey, maybe you could brew up a cure for lycanthropy. That’s all silver stuff, probably won’t need brass at all.”

“Or brass could be the counter element needed to cancel out the silver—” 

“Evans. You do realize that brass was the _answer,_ right? For the translation of the question— you _already_ knew it.”

James was right; she was overreacting. Not like— she was sure her worries were valid in some other context but...this was just a quiz, a literal test to see where they stood regarding their end of year exams and, ostensibly, NEWTs. 

She pulled a hand out from James’ and ran it through her hair, and pinched the bridge of her nose. “NEWTs is doing a number on me.”

“Yeah,” James laughed, a tad humorlessly. “I think for all of us...did Robert Dowson really ask Mary MacDonald out to Hogsmeade? And by ‘ask’ I mean, blurt it out in the middle of a break down?”

Lily smiled, pleased for her friend. “He seems sweet, er, once he calmed down. She said yes.”

James was thoughtful; Lily could tell by how his head nodded slightly, almost unconsciously, as he stared out into the cupboard. “Well. Good for him.”

“Yeah,” Lily watched how James chewed on the inside of his cheek, still lost in thought. To her complete embarrassment though, her stomach let out a fierce growl. “Christ...”

Whatever James had been thinking about was forgotten has he looked at her with a sideways grin. “Alright, Evans. Lunch time, I think.”

* * *

Filch tried, everyone knew, to maintain the hallowed halls of Hogwarts by way of tyranny. He terrorized students by stalking after them, declaring surprise inspections on their bags or newly arrived packages, and seizing whatever he claimed banned. 

Everyone also knew that he was, to put it diplomatically, wildly unsuccessful. No matter how many file cabinets he filled with contraband, more would be smuggled in. It was a tradition, in a way, to defy Filch, and certain students carried it out with discreet pride.

If you needed Zonko’s products, any of the Marauders were your men. If you needed wine, Evelyn DeLacroix. For serenity amid impending exam dread, take a stroll behind the Greenhouses…

This was perhaps Hogwarts’ most poorly kept secret, and not one Lily made a habit of utilizing often but, well. She’d finished her classes, dinner was on the horizon, and she really ought to do some revision up in the library but just the very thought of sitting down and spending a few hours burning diagrams and symbols into her mind just…

Lily went to the Greenhouses instead. 

As it was only Wednesday, the area was quiet with only one other Hufflepuff loitering around...and Remus Lupin. He was sat on his school cloak, on the frozen ground, and he grinned up at her. 

“That time of year again, Evans?”

“Budge up,” Lily told Remus; he swung his long legs onto the grass and she sat where they’d been. 

The Hufflepuff departed around the time Lily started to feel serene, relaxed. Her limbs felt loose, and she had a hand tangled in Remus’ sandy curls. 

“It’s soft,” she sort of marveled. “I sorta expected it to be, I dunno, coarse.”

“Evans, please,” Remus scoffed. “I _do_ condition my hair, I’m not a wild animal.”

Lily’s snort of laughter was louder than she intended and she clapped a hand over her mouth before commenting, “you know, there’s something about James’ hair…”

“He’s almost seventeen and hasn’t realized his dad invented a hair potion for them,” Remus said dryly. 

“It’s endearing,” Lily countered, nodding like she hadn’t even heard Remus and come up with the conclusion herself. 

Remus went sort of still beside her. “Lily. What do you think about James?”

The question sent little prickles through Lily and she frowned at the feeling. She poked Remus’ arm. “You’re very warm.”

Remus batted her hands away. “Yeah, I am. So, James? Arrogant toerag or dashing Gryffindor knight?”

“Why? Wanna date him?”

“Not my type,” Remus threw back easily. 

Lily was about to throw a retort but something cold and wet fell on her cheek. She looked up at the sky but night had fallen in the time they’d been outside, and she couldn’t see anything but black up above. But more wet— rain— came down on them, so very cold like ice, and she squealed and leapt to her feet. 

Remus followed, snatching up his cloak; they grabbed their things, stubbed out the remains of the joint, and fled the scene for the warmth of the castle. And dinner, which they could smell as soon as they entered the Entrance Hall. 

Lily wasn’t soaked through her robes, but she was wet enough that her hair dripped onto her shoulders and down the back of her neck, down her spine. When they ran into the Gryffindor Quidditch team going down to practice, she was outright shivering and aiming a clumsy drying spell at herself.

“Oi, Lily,” Marlene greeted jovially, her broom swung over her shoulder, “you okay?” She frowned at Lily’s red hair dried into a limp wave, her smudged mascara, damp robes. Then she _really_ looked. “Only, we didn’t see you at dinner…”

“Great.” Lily smiled large, ignoring Marlene’s knowing smirk. “‘S rain out there, be careful.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Marlene laughed; she gave Lily an affection pat on the head. “Go eat, you delinquent.” 

“ _Evans,_ a delinquent?” James came over, giving his own head-to-toe look at Lily, and then adopted a look of mock scandal when he realized. “What would dear McGonagall say?”

Lily shoved his arm and stalked over to Remus, the both of them continuing onto dinner. 

“Just so you know,” Remus whispered into her ear, “take a good look at James when he comes back from practice later…”

Lily took an available seat, Remus falling in beside her. “What are you on about?”

Remus was sly, smiling slightly as he spooned roasted vegetables and chicken onto his plate. “There’s just something about him,” he quoted in a teasing tone. 

Lily frowned at him but said nothing as she plated herself dinner. Her mouth watered as she cut her chicken and she brought a piece to her mouth, was about to bite down on it, when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Blimey, Lily,” Dirk Cresswell blinked down at her, when he got a good look at her bedraggled hair and robes. “What happened?”

“It’s raining.”

“Er. Yes, suppose it is…” Dirk glanced up at the enchanted ceiling, and then cleared his throat, looking like he wanted to deliver a business deal to her or something. “Lily, do you remember— I don’t suppose you would, at Christmas, we talked about…”

Dirk trailed off and shot a fleeting glance at Remus who was very determinedly eating his food and not looking at them. Dirk looked back at Lily and his cheeks went a bit pink as he leaned over and whispered, “would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me on Saturday?”

“Hmm.” Lily watched his face go from pink to a deeper red at the sound. It made his blue eyes stand out. She looked at Remus, who seemed caught somewhere between amusement and mild horror. She turned back to Dirk.

Dirk shuffled on his feet and he looked at her like he was slowly burning up inside. Dirk was handsome and always had been: from his smile, to his confident stride and the way he flashed easy smiles at her. He was _nervous,_ she realized, because of what they’d talked about at Christmas.

Huh.

The warm prickles in Lily’s belly were back and she heard herself say, “yeah, alright.”

Dirk visibly melted in relief and indeed he threw one of those smiles at her. So pleased. “Great. How about we meet at eleven? In the Entrance Hall?” Lily nodded her consent and Dirk did an awkward little turn about, where he wasn’t sure if he should leave or, or…He seemed to give in and bent low to give Lily a little peck on the cheek.

Lily watched him leave a moment later, his robes a gentle billow behind him, and her fingers touching where his lips had been. Whispers erupted around her. Remus watched the blush bloom on her cheeks and he shook his head. “Christ, Evans…”

* * *

Lily didn’t let herself wonder why Remus sounded disappointed until they were back up in the Common Room. 

By that point, she’d come back down to herself a bit, and her eyelids drooped heavier and heavier with each minute that passed. The fire was so cozy and warm it felt heavenly. Her usual textbooks were a bit beyond her in this state, so she settled for one of her novels instead. 

Peter slaughtered Remus in chess, as per usual, though Lily supposed the former had an unfair advantage...Mary was pressed against Lily’s left side, lost in her own muggle novel, having decided to give up on homework for the night the second Lily sat down sans textbooks. Sirius was either in detention or making light mischief, though no one could say for sure, not even his Gryffindor brothers.

All was well, all was peaceful. Lily felt the edge leave her long ago and she knew that by the next day, with the brilliant night’s sleep she was about to get, she would be good as new. 

The portrait hole swung open and the Gryffindor Quidditch team trudged in, absolutely soaked and freezing to the bone. Marlene and two other girls on the team rushed forward to the fire, abandoning their brooms by the dorm staircase. Lily yelped when icy drops of water splashed on her in their wake.

“Oi!” James shouted, ever the captain. “Lazy sods, don’t just dump your brooms here.”

It was at that moment that Remus stretched out a long leg and jabbed Lily hard in the leg with his toe. 

“ _Ow!”_ She leveled him with a glare for disturbing her peace, when he very so slightly jerked his head toward James. _Look,_ he mouthed, and Lily did. 

She _really_ did. 

James leaned a hip against an empty table, his arm outstretched as he balanced his broom under a palm. That wasn’t important— what was important was...his _hips_ , which jutted against the table, giving his legs a long line. It was his soaked robes, plastered to his arms and torso, so that she could perfectly see the shape of his toned shoulders and arms. It was the way the fire created shadows that licked at his dark skin. It was his sparkling eyes, his square jaw, his carefree smile. 

_Oh._

James Potter was _fit._

Lily sucked in a breath, for her mental admission. For staring in the first place. For the way she just wanted to reach out and touch, just once, as this knowledge dropped down securely in her awareness like a herd of Hippogriffs.

James looked over at her and smiled. “Alright, Evans?”

Lily managed a choked sort of _mmm_ and very slowly pried her eyes away from him. A few months worth of warm flutters in her stomach suddenly made sense.

She felt Remus’ knowing stare and she flicked worried eyes at him. “Okay,” she whispered, “I see what you mean.”

And she realized why Remus Lupin had been disappointed when Dirk Cresswell asked her to Hogsmeade and...she said yes. 

“Oh, Christ,” she whispered.

“God speed, Evans,” Remus saluted her solemnly.

* * *

Hogwarts was a small school and living in close quarters guaranteed zero privacy; gossip was passed around faster than a Quaffle, and secrets were guarded like the precious phoenix tears they were. 

Honestly, even with everyone skirting around the awkward topic of his “sick mother”, the fact that Remus Lupin _did_ keep his secret for so long was a miracle. 

This is all to say: Lily walked into breakfast the next day with people whispering and staring at her. Her stomach immediately sank, and then she sat down and Peter Pettigrew greeted her by saying, “is it true you’re going out with Dirk Cresswell?”

Lily felt terrible, her wonderful night’s sleep interrupted by thoughts of James and his fit biceps and smile. She had been looking forward to this post-high morning, when she could for once go to class without feeling the heavy burden of exams. Peter Pettigrew squashed that further with what he probably thought was an innocent question. But then, are any of those sorts of questions innocent? Especially since this was the _Valentine’s_ Hogsmeade trip?

Everyone around her— her dormmates, Remus, Sirirus...James, they all waited for her response. She poured herself a cup of coffee and looked across the hall to the Hufflepuff table and Dirk. He beamed at her, clearly pleased with their date in two days. 

“Yes,” Lily finally replied, “it’s true.”

“Oh,” Peter said, his eyes flicking to James and then back to Lily. “Er. Good for you.”

“Mmm,” Lily sipped her coffee. She dropped her chin in a hand and looked up at the enchanted ceiling. Clouds, grey with winter gloom, swirled over head and it was almost calming. 

Across from her, James studied the grains and smooth knots of the table. Neither of them looked at each other and neither of them said anything else. 

* * *

Lily walked into Potions later and immediately caught the burning eye of Snape. She flung her bag down at her table, idly wondering if Snape looked so hateful because of her or Dirk. Or perhaps it was meant for James, for he dropped onto his stool moments after she did. 

They were quiet that day, with James keeping his head down and entirely focused on his potion. There was no smile for her, though he did nod in polite greeting. Lily returned it and, likewise, kept to her potion. It was the sort of harmony she’d desperately wished existed a year ago, both of them working side by side, no shouting, no pranks. 

And yet Lily was absolutely bored. She stared at her bubbling potion during a lull in brewing...James was a step behind, still grinding his oyster shell, though it wasn’t long until he’d be done, considering the strength he used with the mortar and pestle. 

He had nice hands, she was cursed to notice, thanks to Remus Lupin. 

James’ grinding sounds slowed. “Alright, Evans?”

Lily jerked up, the glare she’d sent Remus smoothing out, and she dropped her chin in a hand. “Mhmm, great.”

“Are you...excited for Saturday?”

“Mmm.”

But she was watching James deal with his shell powder: scooping it and measuring it...He was very sure with his hands. She remembered holding it during the sunrise on her birthday. She’d been excited then, too. For things she hadn’t realized, like sitting beside him in this dungeon, or the stolen moments they had in the fourth floor cupboard. 

Dirk Cresswell had nice hands too, though, and it was to him she’d promised a second chance. Lily went back to her potion.

* * *

Saturday morning dawned bright and cloudless. Mary beat Lily to the bathroom and stayed for so long that Lily had to run down to the Entrance Hall to meet Dirk on time. Marlene, with Dorcas hovering nearby, shouted at them to find them at the Three Broomsticks if either of their dates went poorly. 

Dirk didn’t mind when Lily showed up out of breath and hair wild; he patiently waited for her to collect herself and then gallantly offered his hand for their walk.

Lily was right: he _did_ have nice hands, and his kept hers warm all the way to Hogsmeade. They did the usual light shopping; Lily got some new quills, Dirk some parchment. They browsed the bookstore though Lily didn’t find anything of interest.

“Just could never really get into wizard Literature,” Dirk shook his head in the fiction section, unable to carry on the conversation, which left Lily feeling a little disappointed.

Outside Madam Puddifoot’s tea shop, Dirk sort of hesitated, and Lily bumped into him. “Er...shall we?”

It was only when they were across from each other at a tiny circular table, two cups of tea steaming between them, that Lily realized they’d never done this before. _She’d_ never done this, but her and Dirk...there hadn’t been time for a proper date between Slughorn’s party and when they broke up. 

So Lily Evans, on her first date, stared at Dirk a little stupefied. “We skipped steps.”

Dirk frowned at her. “What do you mean?”

“Last year, we never went on a date.”

Dirk rubbed the back of his neck. “Er, yes. I suppose that’s true.”

“Well. Here we are.”

Dirk smiled a little. “Here we are.”

Lily liked talking to Dirk, she decided. He chose his words carefully, he used his hands to help emphasize his point. He sometimes thought before he spoke and Lily found herself wondering what filled those quiet times in his mind. 

“I’m not _completely_ fluent in Gobbledegook,” he was saying, “but I can at least hold a simple conversation. I’m sure once I’m working at the Ministry…”

“So sure of yourself,” Lily laughed, “I can’t imagine any of us working there, not yet. Seems too early.”

“Have to be on top of these things,” Dirk nudged her. “Which is why you must go to all those Slugclub parties.”

Lily wrinkled her nose. “I honestly hate those.” Rubbing elbows with the wizarding elite had never appealed to her. Laughing at their jokes and thinly veiled condescension… “I only go for the connections but not necessarily for the _Ministry_.”

“Well. What _would_ you like to do?”

Lily took a long sip of her tea and heard that same question echoed back to her, in her own voice, in a forgotten broom closet. James had been brooding when she’d asked him and it got an honest and sincere answer out of him. And then that night with the girls, by the fire, where they’d declared each other family…

“Do you think we can change things?” Lily asked Dirk. 

“Change things…?”

Lily nodded and leaned forward onto the table, crossing her arms on it. “With the war and what’s being talked about...with Voldemort. Do you think we can change it? Make it better?”

Dirk blinked, obviously not expecting this turn on conversation. “What, just the two of us? Muggleborns?”

“Not just us but...yeah, us. Muggleborns. Or anyone willing to stand up against him.”

The color had slowly left Dirk and he looked away awkwardly. “I’m not sure that’s all...safe. Not just for me but my muggle family. There have been attacks…”

His answer didn’t surprise her. He’d already let Snape intimidate him and...she understood. She refused owls to her parents house at Christmas because of the attacks Dirk mentioned. She never mentioned the war in her letters. It wasn’t cowardice but protection. She understood. 

“I’m guessing,” Dirk began quietly. “That you’re thinking of fighting.”

“I just...know some people are,” Lily waved her hands vaguely. “It’s got me thinking. I haven’t really decided. Just trying to get through school first.”

Dirk nodded and they fell silent. Lily sipped at her remaining tea and let her eyes wander out the window beside them. She heard them before she saw them, as she usually did; Sirius’ barking laugh mixed in with the other three Marauders’ and then there, coming around the corner of a shop. There they were. There was James. Warmth bloomed in her.

He’d bundled up in his cloak and scarf and though he laughed, there was subdued drag to his feet as he followed along behind Sirius. His hands were stuffed in his pockets, his shoulders slumped. Being that same brooding sixteen year old who said he’d fight. 

James turned then, to say something to Remus, but he stopped, catching her eye. His mouth froze around whatever word he was about to say, before it fell into a soft smile and he nodded toward Dirk and raised a thumbs up, brows high in question.

Lily scowled, not moving an inch except to poke her tongue out at James. James seemed to snort and then Sirius pulled him away, to continue onto their destination. Lily watched them go, until they turned around another corner and she turned back to Dirk.

Dirk watched her with an unreadable expression. It was soft, he wasn’t angry, only just… “You know you can talk about it. If you want.”

“Talk about what?”

Dirk laughed to himself. “The difference between me and him. He openly stands up to the Slytherins. And I...you know, he overheard Snape threaten me about you. Hexed him to the hospital wing for it.”

Lily sat up in surprise. “None of you said!” She went through her backlog of Times James Hexed Snape and...well, if her memory served her, there were a couple of times it could have been…

“I’ve seen you with James this year,” Dirk went on, shrugging, looking away. “I thought...it would’ve been nice to try again. But I think he got there first, lucky bastard.”

Lily wanted to drown herself in her tea or, at the very least, leap out of the window. They were on the ground floor, there wouldn’t be a fall at all, so she could escape. Anywhere but where she currently sat, exposed through feelings she barely comprehended herself. 

“Christ, Dirk,” she muttered into her hands, which she hid her face in. “Please don’t say anything to _anyone.”_

“Nah,” Dirk said and, after a pause, looked out the window. “But I think I will, er. Well, no use dragging this out, yeah? I'll see you in class.”

Which is how Lily Evans found herself wandering into the Three Broomsticks, face pink and shivering from cold, and needing a Hagrid sized bucket of firewhiskey but knowing she’d have to settle for butterbeer. Marlene and Dorcas were there as promised, with all four of the Marauders, all together on a rare detention-free weekend. 

Lily made her way over slowly, shyly, knowing that they were aware she was fresh off a date. When Sirius saw her, his face split into a delighted sunbeam. “Evans!”

Everyone turned to her, and her face grew pinker; they were curious, she could see, and it was laced with something sly on Sirius and Peter’s part. Lily flicked her eyes briefly at James and, and as familiar warmth flashed through her, she quickly looked over at Marlene sitting close to Dorcas. Their hands subtly intertwined under the table but there was an empty seat beside them, which Lily dropped into.

“So, Evans, how’d it go,” Sirius elbowed her.

Lily tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, trying to hold back a wince as she gave an awkward shrug. “It, er. Wasn’t meant to be.”

“Aw, Lily,” Marlene frowned and took one of Lily’s hands. “You okay?”

Lily very carefully kept her eyes on the table, puddled with various liquids and food crumbs, as she nodded. “Could go for a Butterbeer.”

“A butterbeer,” Sirius wondered aloud, tapping his chin in thought, “or something stronger…”

“Rosemerta would never,” Peter pointed out, but Sirius was already standing and tossing a wink at them all, daring them to watch and see.

Lily snorted and indeed, Marlene and Peter watched Sirius sidle up to the bar and flirt with the wary barmaid. Remus rolled his eyes skyward and went to retrieve him. James, though, was watching her, and he had the beginnings of a little smile tugging at the corners of his lips. 

* * *

If Lily was feeling generous, on a good day she’d say that what she was going through was a momentary lapse of judgement. If you asked her a year ago how she thought her relationship with James Potter would have progressed in sixth year, she would have probably replied that he would be murdered by her hand for being an insufferable git. 

If Lily were being kind to herself, she would let herself smile just a little as allowed herself a stolen glance at him. She would tuck away their conversations, any smile he gave her, or note he passed her. 

If Lily was feeling particularly annoyed with herself, she would have thought that she’d gone mad. That this _year_ was mad, and she was rather bad at adapting to change. That she was not just misplaced in her standards but having an entire breakdown of them.

As it was, no matter how she spun it, the results were the same: she fancied James Potter and she needed her friends to help rationalize her budding feelings, and she needed to pluck up for courage to tell them she needed help...but sometimes, her friends’ needs were greater than her own.

One morning in early March, the mail came as it always did. Several in their group received letters but most pushed them aside in favor of finishing their breakfast or just bickering with each other.

“Potter, I’m fine,” Marlene was saying with heat as she bit into a kipper. “I don’t need _rest_ — the Hufflepuff game is in four days! You honestly want me to just sit on my arse—”

“I don’t _want_ you to, McKinnon,” James shot back, “but you _need_ to. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you rubbing your arm, or all those sloppy throws.”

“Well it’d be _your_ fault, for overworking me!”

“I’m literally telling you to take a break!”

Lily watched this back and forth volley; she was two seconds from shouting at Marlene to stop being so bloody stubborn, but she was enjoying this worked up James. His glasses were askew from when he’d whacked them after throwing his hands up in frustration. Too passionate in his argument to fix them, he was. 

Sirius was doing his crossword. “Hey, Moony, what’s a five letter word for beast?”

“Christ, Sirius...fiend.”

“Cheers.”

Mary bolted up from her seat, knocking over her goblet of orange juice as she did. She swore as the liquid spilled near her bag and she frantically grabbed it up. Her letter was tight in her hand and her eyes were lined silver as she ran from the Great Hall.

Marlene cut off her argument with James and looked at Lily, who shrugged. She eyed the various _Prophet_ copies discarded around the table but none of them mentioned or alluded to an attack. Nonetheless, they grabbed their things and hurried after Mary.

* * *

“Gran died,” Mary whispered when they found her in the dorm, sitting on the edge of her bed. “Apparently she’d been sick for a while…”

“Oh, Mary.” Marlene and Lily were at her side instantly. 

Mary’s cheeks went bright red, as she bit her lip, and she ran her hands through her thick curls, flattening them down to her skull, and pulling at the ends...Trying to keep her grief inward. “No one told me. I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

Marlene pulled her into a tight embrace and ran a soothing hand over her hair. 

Tears slipped down Mary’s dark cheeks and she closed her eyes as she leaned into Marlene’s shoulder. Lily rubbed a hand down her back, blinking rapidly, her heart so very heavy as Mary wept silently. At some point, Mary’s hand found Lily’s and they all held each other in mourning silence. 

They skipped morning classes and lunch, with Dorcas and Evelyn joining during their breaks and bringing sandwiches and hot chocolate from the Great Hall. Mary sporadically revolved through various tasks: homework, cleaning her space, sketching. Any distraction she hoped to get from them was short lived, however, and she’d spend long moments staring at nothing, her eyes silvery with tears. 

Eventually, there was a knock on their door and they all looked up. When Evelyn opened the door, Professor McGonagall who stepped into the room; Lily winced as her stern eyes took in each of them in turn and then closed the door behind her. 

“Miss MacDonald,” she said, softening when she took in Mary on her bed, tissues around her. “I’ve received an owl from your mother and you have my deepest condolences. Why don’t we go to my office; we can discuss you attending the services arranged by your family."

Mary nodded and sniffled and glanced at the other girls who stood immediately by her side. McGonagall looked for the briefest of moments like she was going to object, citing matters of privacy, but when Marlene slipped her hand into Mary’s, she seemed to think better of it. 

Lily was struck by it; this was the beauty of Hogwarts housemates in action. They were family in ways their blood family never saw, and they protected each other like family. Professor McGonagall’s resigned sigh was tell enough: she knew the bond formed by seven years of rooming together. She tilted her head in the general direction of her office. “Well then, let’s go you lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Early chapter because I'm in Tokyo tomorrow night when I normally post.  
> -To clarify: Remus does not want to bang James, lol, but I think he objectively knows his friend is hot.  
> -I like to imagine James staring into the middle distance in a melodramatic fashion, ala a music video, during this chapter. So, his playlist song is Happier by Ed Sheeran, lol sorry buddy.  
> -[Tumblr](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _All the things you say, the way you shift your eyes,  
>  I never knew that there was someone to make me come alive..._  
> -Stars, My Favorite Book

In the end, Mary went home for the rest of the week, to spend time with her family and attend the funeral. The other girls, for skipping classes, all received detentions, scheduled for the upcoming Saturday. 

“However,” Professor McGonagall conceded with a sigh after their sentencing, “though I discourage skipping lessons, I must commend you for your unity, and your support for your friend. Each of you are to be rewarded five points.”

It was, Lily realized as she ate the biscuit offered by McGonagall, her first detention but she found she didn’t regret it at all. Not when Mary gave each of them long, grateful hugs when they returned to the dorm. 

Though it was only a few days, Lily found herself missing Mary while she was away, all the girls did. The dorm felt a little less sunny in Mary’s absence. 

Saturday came and Lily found herself wandering the Transfiguration corridor until she found the room she was looking for. She lingered in the doorway, unsure and dreading. Of course, she didn’t regret the circumstances of her detention, but serving it was another matter altogether. Lily wanted nothing more than to be back in the Common Room, settled by the fire with a book. Unfortunately, she was destined to spend this Saturday evening cleaning out the cages of the Transfiguration animals, with Peter Pettigrew it seemed.

“Lily?” Peter looked to be in shock. “Blimey, what’re you doing here? Lost…?”

“Detention.” 

The smell in the small room was pungent and Lily wrinkled her nose as she stepped into the room. She slumped into the small stool near the large work bench in the middle and glanced idly at all the jars of insects, seeds and grains. 

Peter seemed to know the ropes because he was already set to work wiping out the rats' cages. He nodded at a bucket and work brush. “Wanna sweep out the droppings?”

Lily made a disgusted face and gingerly picked up the brush and did as he suggested. It wasn’t glamorous and it wasn’t quick. She was far from squeamish, having regularly handled objectively disgusting potions ingredients but...shit was shit. And it was on her jeans’ hems. 

Peter worked efficiently, she did not, and he soon joined her on dropping duty. 

“You’ve really done this a lot, huh,” she said, grimacing at the amount of rat droppings she tipped into the rubbish bin. 

“It’s supposed to be character building, right?” Peter said, laughing, and then he grinned, remarkably like Sirius. “Wanna know a secret?”

“Sure.” Lily was grateful for the distraction; there looked to be a dead hamster in their current cage. “Love secrets, spill all your Marauder business.”

“Ha, no chance,” Peter shook his head. “But sometimes I get detention on purpose. M’pretty sure James and Sirius do as well. It lets us think.”

“You _do_ know,” Lily said, steeling herself to retrieve the dead hamster, “that you can just sit down quietly and do that, right?”

But imagining the boys sitting still for more than five minutes was impossible. She wondered for a moment what James might have ended up doing that night she found him brooding in the corridors, before they went to the cupboard. 

Peter shook his head. “Not the same. There’s a process, see. Blow off some steam with a prank and then think it off in detention, where we can keep our hands busy. Pretty sure James also outlines essays in detention, too..”

Lily thought about it and then laughed. “Christ, that actually makes sense. A method to your madness, who would have thought.”

“Reasons behind everything, Lily,” Peter said mysteriously, and then checked the clock on the wall and frowned. “Think we could hurry? It’s almost nightfall…”

Lily jerked with realization. “It’s the full moon tonight!”

“Er,” Peter looked uncomfortable. “Yeah.”

He didn’t seem to want to talk anymore about it, just went about cleaning the rest of the cages. Lily did too but she found herself watching Peter out of the corner of her eye, wondering.

“Peter, tell me another secret?” she said slowly; he perked his head, to show he was listening, but otherwise avoided eye contact. “Where do you go on the full moons?”

Peter’s cheeks went a bit pink and after a moment he flashed her a shaky grin, this one a poor imitation of Sirius Black. “Just Marauder stuff, Evans.”

“Hmm,” Lily said and, after a moment, went back to her cage. 

They didn’t speak much for the rest of their detention but to Peter’s open relief, they did manage to finish early; he was out the door before Lily was finished cleaning off her hands, hurriedly saying goodbye. Lily shrugged, content to let it go, let him keep his Marauder’s secrets and go about the rest of her Saturday in peace...but then she heard the dog bark.

The thing is. Dogs are not allowed at Hogwarts, Lily was sure. She remembered vividly, how strange it was to read her very first Hogwarts letter. The supplies list was something out of one of her fairy tale books: cauldrons, spell books, robes, a _wand._ She remembered laughing at the very end of the letter: _students may also bring an owl, a cat, or a toad._ She thought: who on earth would keep a toad as a pet? 

Distinctly _not_ on that list? Dogs. Lily was sure. As a sixth year student at this school _and_ a prefect, she knew dogs were not permitted at Hogwarts.

But Lily was also sure: it had definitely been a dog that barked. 

And that was definitely Peter’s voice down the hall saying, “Padfoot— what the fuck!”

Sirius Black’s laugh answered, followed by a conversation Lily did not understand. “Almost sunset, Wormtail, Prongs is waiting with the cloak—”

“ _Shh!_ Lily might hear.”

“Shit— didn’t realize.”

“Apparently she gets detentions now.”

“Good for her.”

This was exactly the sort of thing that made Lily dart quietly from the animal’s room. The hall outside of it was empty; Peter and Sirius were around the corner, walking away but their voices carried just enough. At the end of her hall, she poked her head around and saw the two boys going toward the east courtyard.

“You didn’t check the map?” Peter was saying.

“Prongs also has it.” 

“Selfish git. Why couldn’t he give one to you?”

“Didn’t bloody think to ask for it, _come on—”_

The rest was lost to Lily, as they went down down a staircase and finally out of her hearing range. Lily stood at the intersection of the two halls, a hand braced against the cool stone and she considered what she’d just heard.

There were pieces, little bits that Lily didn’t understand, but collected all year— James coming into the Common Room at sunrise; how they all seemed haggard and exhausted each morning after the full moon. Lily was sure she’d even seen Sirius limping one morning.

Lily looked down the hall and then at window just a few feet away. The sun was barely an orange flame in the sky; night descended in a deep blue and twinkling stars, and the grounds were a dark blanket of shadow. 

By all accounts, it was a beautiful night; not a cloud in sight, the moon bright silver and full. She wondered how many couples planned to sneak up to the Astronomy Tower for some romantic stargazing and snogging, not knowing their classmate was about to transformation into something they feared... 

Trepidation settled inside Lily, her usual worry for Remus the trigger, but now it was fueled by Sirius and Peter’s conversation. 

Certain they were about to do something utterly stupid, Lily set off down the corridor. The boys were long gone down the staircase but she went anyway, her instincts guiding her down and down to slip through the quiet east wing courtyard, go outside...

Lily barely made it through the courtyard’s Gothic archway when a strong hand clasped her arm and stopped her. She whirled, her other hand going for her wand, her heart a halting stutter and— “ _Potter!”_

James was half covered in shadow and Lily realized, taking in his dark clothing and the way he leaned into the darkness, that it was intentional. “Hey, Evans.”

Lily forced herself to remember to breathe. It was only James. “How did you— What are you doing out here?”

Something rustled, and Lily saw that James held a worn piece of parchment. He noticed her staring and he quickly brought it behind his back. “You need to go inside, Lily.”

“What is that?” Lily tried to look around James but he blocked her. 

“Don’t worry about it. _Please_ go inside.”

Lily hesitated, tilting her head up to study James. “What are you doing?” She tried to find an answer in his shadowed eyes but they were closed off, unreadable. A first for James Potter.

James swallowed and he looked out beyond the courtyard, to the black grounds outside. When he looked back at Lily, there was a ghost of a grin tugging at his mouth. “Ask me no questions, remember?”

“How did you know I was here?” Lily pressed. “I heard Sirius say something about a map— what map?”

James’ grin fell. “Evans, please, just stop digging. The last person who did that— he was the _wrong_ person. It didn’t go well.”

Lily blinked and she gaped at James for a few moments. “Are you— are you insinuating that I’m as bad as _Snape?”_

“No...” James ran a frustrated hand through his hair, and then brought his hand back down on her arm, his voice turning pleading. “No, I just...you _need_ to trust me right now. Go back inside.”

Lily shook off James and stepped back, her eyes narrowing. “Why should I trust you? You haven’t told the truth.”

Lily and James had rowed countless times in the past. For five years, that was what their relationship consisted of: Lily yelling at James for his immature behavior, for his bullying of Snape. She’d always been right in those arguments; he _was_ arrogant, he _was_ a bully. Defending her friend, having the courage to call out James Potter when no one else would had felt _good_ and _right._

But never had an argument made her feel like this. James looked stricken, his mouth a thin line that struggled to keep his secrets inside him. His eyes were large with hurt and— that was anger. At her. 

For the first time, Lily Evans felt she was on the wrong side of an argument. 

“Evans.” James’ voice was thick and he stopped to swallow, running another hand through his hair. “Lily. This isn’t only _my_ truth to share. I _can’t_ — we could get into trouble. I don’t mean lost points or detention, I mean lives could be _ruined_ and I can’t let that happen.”

James Potter was begging. He looked ready to rip his own hair out; his breathing had gone heavy, and he stared at her with fire in his hazel eyes. In his desire to protect his friends, he was fierce. He was beautiful. 

Lily looked out into the dark castle grounds, the full moon casting misty shadows over the grass and trees. She was not afraid of the dark, yet her heart still constricted, cold seeped into her blood: a werewolf lurked the forest tonight.

“You’re going out there tonight,” she whispered. “Remus is out there— I know _he_ won’t hurt anyone, don’t look at me like that, I mean the werewolf. And you’re...going to do something dangerous.”

“Remus is in the Shrieking Shack, it’s where he goes to transform,” James said, firmly, but he’d softened a bit, his voice becoming reassuring. “He’s safe.”

“But you— ”

“Evans, hey.” James brought both his hands onto her shoulders; Lily felt the sure weight in them, grounding her. “Find me tomorrow. I’ll show you one of my secrets.”

It was not reassurance about his own safety, but rather a promise that he would at least be alive in the morning. Not comforting at all, only what he could offer at the moment. Lily saw that. 

Still, she jabbed a finger into James’ chest. “Can’t even say you’ll be safe. Ass.”

“I’ll be fine,” James said instead, grabbing her hand in one of his warm ones and rubbing the spot she’d poked with his other. His thumb played over the tops of her fingers gently, making a flutter shoot through her, and then he nodded back to the castle. “It’s freezing out here. Go back inside.”

“I’m going to sleep terribly,” she said. 

“So will I,” he replied. “Go. Please.”

Resigned, Lily did, placing her trust in him by walking backwards and pulling her hands from his. James put on a soothing, brave smile that did nothing to dispel the fear thumping through her heart, or loosen her chest. Her return smile was a bit wobbly, and as soon as she reached the castle doorway, he turned and walked off into the night, his shadow akin to a ghost.

* * *

Hours later, at her window beside her bed, surrounded by the soft sounds of her roommates sleeping in the dark dorm, and in between worried thoughts about Remus and the others, she wondered about this man she fancied. 

She always thought she’d end up with a dashing and courageous man, one who inspired her to be a hero right alongside him. Looking back, Lily would have outright laughed at the notion of James Potter fitting that description. 

And yet. 

Five years she’d resented his presence, five years she’d stood up against him as he bullied her best friend. Five years...and it only took less than six months to learn that James Potter was so much more. 

Watching him be that hero, protecting the ones that he loved...it was breathtaking. It was terrifying. It was as inspiring as she’d envisioned. 

Lily sat up straight and squinted out the window, along the edge of the forest. A large shape appeared through the trees. Tall antlers reaching up toward the stars, gleaming in the moonlight. The stag took a few steps toward the castle and then stopped, looking up, right at her window.

Beautiful creature, she marveled. She smiled when it bowed its head and ran off back into the forest. 

* * *

The second time Lily Evans knocked on James Potter’s door, she was stone cold sober. She was not hazy with birthday thrills and it was daylight, an hour or two _after_ sunrise. 

Lily had slept but, as she predicted, it was a fitful sleep that came late and so by the time the first bars of light crept through her bed’s curtains, she was awake and restless. She’d tugged on a dressing robe and was at James’ door within moments. 

It took him a while to answer. Outside, she tapped her foot and crossed her arms, already missing the warmth of her bed. Inside the room, she could hear murmured swearing, rustling and someone’s footsteps drawing nearer. 

James opened the door, his hair looking like a wilted plant as he stepped into the stairwell with her and closed the door behind him. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Hello.”

She gave him a look from head to toe; he seemed in one piece, not that she knew what she was looking for. There were only dark rings under his eyes and his dopey, exhausted smile to betray that anything might be wrong with him. 

“Alright, Lily?” James asked when she didn’t say or do anything else.

“Er. You told me to find you.”

James’ brow furrowed and then he was suppressing a laugh. Lily narrowed her eyes at him. “Evans. Lily. I meant...let a bloke sleep a few hours first.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lily laughed, point taken, but she eyed the door behind him anxiously. “You’re all okay? Remus?”

“In the hospital wing by now I’d imagine,” James pondered and then added quickly. “Just a formality at this point. Pomfrey likes to fuss over him, let him rest…He’ll be out in a few hours.”

James said it with such casual certainty that Lily supposed it was just the routine. She was glad that Remus was being looked after. Knowing that, and that the boys were safe in their beds, Lily let out a long sigh and suddenly felt as exhausted as James looked. 

“Er, Lily,” James slumped against his door and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m dead on my feet here…” To prove this, he let out a huge yawn, which Lily inevitably mirrored.

“Rude,” she said after, “but fine. I’ll...find you at lunch?”

James had his eyes closed now and nodded to himself. “Yeah. Lunch.”

“Lunch,” Lily repeated softly.

James groped the door behind him, until his hand met the brass door knob; he twisted it open and was half inside his dorm when he turned to Lily again. “Night— er, _morning,_ Lily.”

Lily hoisted herself off the other side of the stairwell and touched a hand to his shoulder in farewell. “Good morning, James.”

* * *

Sleep came easier after that, with the help of a silencing and darkening charm but Lily felt far from refreshed when Marlene finally prodded her awake a few hours later. 

Lily grumbled all the way through sitting up and pulling apart her curtains...but upon seeing Mary standing there in a sooty muggle coat and her travel bag, she smiled, and went straight for a hug. “When’d you get in?” 

“Now,” Mary laughed. “C’mon, what’re you still in bed for? It’s lunch.”

“Yeah, yeah…” 

Twenty minutes later, the girls— Mary and Marlene— cheerily sat themselves down for lunch, joining Dorcas and Evelyn. Lily did more of a slump onto the bench. The first thing she reached for was a mug of coffee. She was halfway through a sandwich when James slid into the seat across from her, looking for all the world a sunny human being.

“Alright, Evans?” He asked. 

“Alright, Potter,” Lily answered. 

They smiled at each other for a moment, and then James poured himself a mug of coffee with a soft, _oh thank Merlin._ Lily giggled, glad he was, in fact, just as mortal as she. 

James quickly downed a couple sandwiches, listening in on the girls’ discussion about their upcoming Apparition test. 

“They can’t fail you for losing a _hair,”_ Lily rolled her eyes. “What’ll they do? _Count_ every single strand before the test?”

“My cousin _swears_ a guy in his class failed for missing an _eye lash,”_ Marlene insisted, her eyes wide with obvious stress. “You never know!”

“Yeah,” James, swallowed his last bite, and then grabbed a handful of chips. “And Dad _‘knows’_ someone who failed because he lost a freckle. We all know someone like that McKinnon. It’s all scaremongering. By the way, welcome back, Mary. Sorry about your gran…”

Mary gave him a small, wobbly smile in thanks.

“Remember when everyone was _convinced_ the Sorting was battling a troll?” Dorcas shook her head, and then laughed at the old memory. 

James looked startled. “They did not!”

Lily nudged him with an elbow. “Not everyone grew up with the Hat’s songs as lullabies.”

The tips of James’ ears went pink and he mumbled. “They weren’t lullabies...and anyway, my point stands. You’ll be fine, Marlene. And speaking of going places— ready, Lily?” He stood and slung a black leather bag over his shoulder.

The girls looked at Lily curiously; it was Mary’s arched brow and Marlene’s small smirk that had Lily stand abruptly. “Yes. Ready.”

“Where’re you going,” Mary said in a singsong voice.

“Marauder business,” James replied, his posh accent turning up to max. “I’ve recruited Lily to help.”

Mary tugged on Lily’s arm, brought her down to eye level and hissed, “Marlene said you snuck in this morning.”

“Because I snuck _out_ a few minutes before,” Lily hissed back.

Marlene popped her head down. “Early morning snog?” 

“ _Christ_ , no,” Lily coughed, then threw Mary’s torn off toast crust at her. She rose back up and brushed the crumbs off her hands, and then sank back down again. “Er...it’s alright, yeah? Me going with him? You’ve only just gotten back, and with the funeral…”

Mary softened and she nodded. “'Course, go. Just tell me everything after.”

Lily smiled, and hugged her friend once more for good measure, and then finally straightened. 

“Shall we, Miss Evans?” James bowed, sweeping an arm out toward the entrance door in a grand gesture. 

Lily bobbed a little curtsy. “Certainly, Mr. Potter.” Throwing glares at her cackling friends, she swept out of the Great Hall, James right behind her.

Once out in the Entrance Hall, James’ hand brushed her arm as he took the lead. “What were you ladies hissing about?”

Lily’s cheeks flared up— _early morning snog, indeed_ — and she breezed past him. “None of your business.”

“Ah, intriguing” James skipped up the rest of the stairs and walked backwards with his hands stuffed in his pockets, his bag bobbing against his thigh. “I wonder, can Lily Evans lie?”

James leaned closer, peering at her intently, his eyes half squinted in mock assessment. Lily felt her heart jump a bit and she walked around him, though she had no idea where they were going. “She asked for some tampons, Potter, leave it alone.”

James stopped walking and Lily would see now that his squinting had morphed into genuine confusion. “What are tam- _pons?”_

Lily winced and shook her head. “Christ. I am not— ask your mother.”

“Mmm. Pretty good liar, though.”

Lily gave him a little bow that turned into her gesturing around the corridor around them. “James, where are we going?”

“Ah, right…”

Two staircases and three corridors later, Lily stood in front of a statue of a humpbacked witch; James threw an arm around her, like they were old pals and beamed at Lily. “Meet our dearest Gunhilda, the unofficial fifth Marauder and unwitting co-conspirator to many of our adventures.”

Lily lifted a skeptical brow. Gryffindor Tower wasn’t far from here; she’d passed this same statue hundreds of times and thought nothing of it, other than occasionally wondering how she’d gotten the eye patch, and vowing she’d look it up and then immediately forgetting to do so. 

“I thought you weren’t showing me Marauder secrets,” Lily said.

James clapped the statue soundly on the hump and said, “ _technically_ this is a Hogwarts secret. Watch.” He took out his wand, made sure no one was in the corridor with them, and tapped it upon the witch’s forehead. “ _Dissendium!”_

With a groan and a scrape, the statue moved aside, just wide enough for a person to fit through to— Lily’s eyes widened and she gaped at the black hole the statue revealed. A tunnel, right in the middle of Hogwarts, leading to who knows where.

James. James knew, and he watched her with all the smugness in the world as she asked, “where does it go?”

“Only one way to find out.” James squeezed himself into the passage, half hiding himself with shadow, and his hand beckoning out to her. “Do you trust me?”

Instinct said no, don’t go into a pitch black _secret_ tunnel behind the statue of a one eyed witch...But only for a second. She _was_ a Gryffindor, after all. The next second, when Lily glanced behind James into the darkness, and then back at him, his hazel eyes and grin daring, she found herself matching it. 

“Lead the way, Potter.”

Of course Lily kept close to James; even with their wands lighting their way, the darkness was still thick and she still found herself holding out her hands for extra support. Sometimes her fingers brushed against his sweatered back, sometimes the leather bag, and sometimes his own hands. When that happened, he turned and took her hand, assuming she’d stumbled and helped her to steady herself. 

It felt like a proper adventure, sneaking away into the dark. She half expected a flame spurt to blast up at any moment. Smiling to herself, she poked at James. “There aren’t any unusually sized rodents here are there?”

“Sorry to disappoint,” James laughed and stopped to help her over an uneven patch of ground. “Nor is there any lightning sand.”

Lily stopped walking and a surprised laugh fell from her. “You’ve read _The Princess Bride?”_

“Remus borrowed it from you.” James nodded to himself, remembering. “And I, er, borrowed it from him...while he was sleeping. Stayed up reading two nights in a row reading it.” 

“You didn’t!”

“I solemnly swear I did,” James placed a hand over his heart in sincerity. “Nearly pissed myself reading about Miracle Max. Woke Sirius and then did it all over again reading to him.” James ran a hand through his hair and shook his head again. “Belching his witch, I mean honestly…Oh, look, we’re almost there.”

Lily couldn’t see ahead at all, nor could she discern any landmarks in the dirt packed walls or uneven stone under her feet, but she believed James so she stopped when he did. He looked down at his bag, and patted it fondly.

“Now _this,”_ he said with important mirth, “is a Potter secret— one of the keys to our Marauder success, but it was in my family before I ever came to Hogwarts.”

“A bag.” Lily smiled pertly. “Impressive.”

James just looked smug as he opened his bag and pulled out a long cloak that seemed to ripple as it was shaken out. Under the light of their _Lumos_ charms, it was silvery, though the longer Lily watched it, the more it seemed to absorb light. 

“What is…”

James flung it around himself and promptly disappeared. Lily shrieked. “ _Merlin,_ Evans, shut up or someone will hear us.”

“Don’t know if you’re aware,” Lily moved a finger up and down where James had been, “but you’ve sort of... _gone.”_

“Yeah, it’s called an invisibility cloak.” James opened the cloak and there he was again, hair flattened by the material, and he looked toward the end of the tunnel. “Er. Wait here a mo’.”

Lily heard footsteps going away from her, leaving her alone in this strange tunnel; she scrambled after James, bumping into him right away, causing her to trip and him to grunt _and_ trip. Her hands grasped the cloak and was amazed to feel his solid body under its silky cloth. 

“Evans, please,” though she could hear the smile. 

“Don’t you leave me alone,” she hissed.

“Sure you’re a Gryffindor? _Ow_ — okay okay, _fine,_ put your claw away.”

And so they shuffled forward, Lily still clinging to James’ cloak and trying not to trip her feet over James. It was awkward, not at all efficient, and when they finally reached the actual end of the tunnel, James forcibly straightened and shook Lily off him.

A ladder led somewhere up and Lily glanced at it while James stuck a hand out of the cloak and started to climb. “Where…”

Something clicked above and then faint light drifted in, followed by the glorious scent of rich chocolate and sugar. And then James’ voice, “come on up, careful…”

Lily climbed and was amazed to come up into a basement stacked high with boxes and crates of all assortments of chocolates and candies. “Oh my god— how...we...Potter, you brought us to…” 

“Honeyduke’s cellar,” James finished proudly, and he opened the cloak up for her. “Care for a Hogsmeade trip?”

* * *

Remus needed chocolate, James said. Apparently he was almost out and it being the day after a full moon, the situation was dire. Lily chipped in on the purchase, as well as getting something for Mary, who would certainly need it just as bad. 

They left the shop and Lily really wished she had been warned about their adventure. Though it was March, spring was still a ways from sticking, and the air was chill from the wind and low hanging sun. As such, Lily crossed her arms over her sweater and shivered. 

“C’mon,” James said, shoulders also hunched up in cold, “Butterbeer, I think, then back to the Castle?”

They half walked, half jogged to the Three Broomsticks; James and his longer legs skipped easily ahead so that he reached the door before her and opened it with a gentlemanly bow. Lily, for the second time that day, curtsied, and walked into the toasty warm pub and straight to the bar.

“Two butterbeers, please.” Lily slid her coins onto the polished bar.

“Oi!” James rushed over but was too late; he gave her a good natured glower but took the butterbeers as Lily led them to a table by the fire.

“So,” Lily started when they settled and clinked mugs together. “Invisibility cloak.”

“Yeah,” James said, foot pressing protectively against the bag containing it. “Family heirloom— along with those enchanted mirrors you saw that one time.”

“And your parents actually let you have them?” Lily imagined her mum going on a tirade if her dad enabled any mischievous proclivities.

“Mum thought it’d keep McGonagall on her toes.” James laughed. “Good friend, she is. The mirrors were because...it helped watch over Sirius during the summer…”

A shadow fell over James’ face at the last bit and she felt the urge to touch his hand in comfort; she knew what those summers with the Blacks had culminated to, but she chose to change the subject instead, to satisfy a different curiosity. 

“Muggle novels?”

“Muggle novels.” James beamed, seeming to anticipate this question. “Remus has tons— I love the ones about the magic ring and the gray wizard. Brilliant stuff.” James smiled and tipped his mug at her. “Wizard novels…?”

“Thing is,” Lily said carefully, running a finger over the worn pewter of her mug, not really looking at James and suddenly conscious of him being pureblood. “Wizard novels tend to...lack certain representations.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that,” James nodded and sipped his butterbeer. “Remus says werewolves are automatically evil, always, and Mum’s book club says that muggleborns…”

“Don’t really exist, yeah,” Lily looked at James a little dazedly and then shook her head, clearing away her surprise. “You go to your mum’s book club?”

“Bloody brilliant group of witches,” James winked. “Their individual stories are more interesting than the novels they talk about. One of them was captured by a Grindelwald supporter but she escaped by seducing his wife. The wife defected and the two ran back to England together— they’re still happy down in Oxford.”

“Oh my God,” Lily said, “Dorcas needs to meet them.”

James nodded in agreement and then set down his mug, staring down at it for a moment. “I have a question. Er— have you read any of Jeanne Ryland?” Lily wrinkled her nose and James’ mouth quirked at the side a bit. “Mum mentioned there was an uproar about one of her books. Something about not mentioning the Minister of Magic in her books was muggleborn until _after_ she was killed off.” James frowned. “I think I get it but...doesn’t not mentioning it mean blood doesn’t matter?”

“It undermines us, to be treated as an afterthought,” Lily said. “And she killed the Minister off...what kind of message does _that_ send?”

James’ brows rose. “You think she’s sympathetic to Voldemort?”

Lily shook her head, frowning, and sipped her butterbeer a moment. “I think she’s romanticizing an image of magicfolk that doesn’t exist in reality and doesn’t care how anyone might interpret her writing.”

“Okay, that I understand.” James nodded, mulling over her words, trailing off as he said quietly to himself, “...just as dangerous...Hey— mind if I mention this to Mum? I’m sure she’d love your point of view.”

“Er,” Lily felt herself flush, a bit pleased, a bit flustered. “Sure.”

James beamed and Lily had to appreciate the moment, this conversation. James Potter, pureblood son of his own influential family, discussing muggleborn treatment and listening, asking questions— the sort of conversation that she only dared to have with her dormmates, locked in their room, and or whispering in the library. The sort of conversation Dirk Cresswell hedged away from and Severus...That James was willing to dig into these topics, and _agree_ with her…

James peered at her over his butterbeer. “Alright?”

“Nothing.” Lily shook her head again but, the hell with it, they were already in deep. “Only Snape always brushed these things aside, said it didn’t mean anything.”

James scowled. “M’not surprised, given his usual taste in literature.”

“Yeah...” Lily sighed, “He’s the sort Jeanne Ryland loves...”

They fell into silence, letting the crackling fire beside them fill it, both of them finishing their butterbeers. Despite the turn of their conversation, the sweet drink warmed Lily from the early spring chill outside, enough that the melancholy she usually felt with Snape lasted only a few minutes. Being with James, and the gentle way he watched her heightened the feeling. She couldn’t help but smile, feeling fluttery in her stomach when he returned it. 

“We should go,” James said, when the pub doors opened and a group of wizards walked in, bringing a rush of cold air with them. “Some professors like to come down here for an evening drink.” Lily hummed in agreement and finished the last dregs of her butterbeer. 

A few minutes later, that warm cozy feeling she had at the pub was threatening to be her undoing. Under the Invisibility Cloak, the two of them snuck back into Honeydukes, Lily pressed against James in order to fit. 

He was warm, he was solid, and even though they were in danger of being caught going down to the cellar, Lily was more worried he’d feel her thumping heart. Or hear it, since he was hunched close to her, his breath ghosting over that side of her face. 

“Okay, now,” James whispered to her, as Mr. Flume rushed to close the front door behind them, muttering something about faulty door jams. 

Together, and with James’ hand at her back to guide her, they rushed into the backroom, then the cellar, and finally down the trap door. Inside the dark tunnel again, James whipped off the cloak and they both lit their wands.

Lily watched him bunch the cloak back into his bag; she could still feel his hand at her waist. Her back still felt warm from him. She swallowed, and said, softly, “thank you for bringing me.”

James looked up from where he wrestled with the cloak; his face was flushed, their successful trip bringing out his exhilaration and delight. “Anytime.” 

When he smiled, Lily knew she was quietly doomed.

* * *

“It was a date, Lily,” Marlene said later that night as she made them all tea. “James Potter took you on a date to a _candy_ store and then you had a drink at a pub where you discussed your literary tastes, _it was a date!”_

“He never said,” Lily groaned from her bed, where her pillow sat on her face to cover up her drama. “What if it was just an errand? For his _brother.”_

“Incidentally,” Mary said, already halfway through the chocolates Lily got her. “What _are_ his literary tastes?”

Dorcas snorted but Lily flailed her arms in a hopeless gesture. “He goes to his mum’s book club. He asked why Ryland is rubbish and he listened _and_ agreed. He’s good. Oh, speaking of— Dorcas, there’s this witch his mum is friends with…”

Dorcas listened with delight as Lily related the story back to her, cackling and cheering at the happy ending. Marlene doled out tea to everyone and joined Dorcas on her bed, laughing when she was drawn into a long kiss. Apparently Dorcas was feeling a bit inspired.

“Think that’ll be us?” Dorcas against as they fell into the pillows together. “Grand adventure and then retiring to a peaceful life in the countryside?”

“Yes,” Marlene giggled, tracing a finger down Dorcas’ dark arm. “You can write naughty poetry and I’ll support you with my sweet Quidditch money.”

Longing filled Lily— not really for Marlene and Dorcas’ dream, although it was perfect, but just for _that._ Giggling together on a pillow, making tentative plans for a sunny future. 

Lily’s mattress dipped and Mary settled in beside her. “When’s the second date?” 

“Well he didn’t _say,_ specifically,” Lily said, disappearing back under her pillow. "It was a little open ended."

Mary patted her arm. “There, there. Term’s not over, there’s still time yet.”

Lily groaned. “Can’t we talk about you? How was the funeral? How are _you?”_

“Much cheered by your romantic woes.” Mary laughed at Lily’s withering glare and then let it fade with a sigh. She rolled onto her side and frowned at the blanket. “I’m...okay. Still miss her, of course. Being home was good— seeing family, telling stories. I have some pictures, do you want to see?”

“Yes.” Lily tossed her pillow away and sat up. 

Mary went to dig around her trunk, while Dorcas and Marlene laughed about something. Evelyn returned from visiting with some Ravenclaw friends and joined Mary and Lily. Sunday evening went along like that: tucked up in bed with her mates, going through old photos, and laughing over Mary’s stories, even joking about James. Lily felt that pleasant flutter, only this time it was just for her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Trans rights forever <3  
> -Gunhilda developed the cure for dragon pox, the same disease that later kills James' parents, awkward...  
> -Meanwhile, the boys' dorm:  
>  _James, about to write to his mum_ : hey lads, any of you know what tam-pons are?  
>  _Remus, fumbling a cigarette_ : what the fuck, Prongs?  
>  _Peter, clueless_ : what are what?  
>  _Sirius, grinning like a madman_ :...  
>  _James, nibbling at the end of his quill, in thought_ : Yeah, Lily mentioned them, said I should ask Mum but figured I’d ask you first? Save me the trouble...  
>  _Remus, mildly horrified_ : oh my god, Prongs, don’t—  
>  _Sirius, high amused_ : nah let him, see what happens  
>  _Remus, starting to see the benefits to this_ : ...yeah, alright...  
>  _Peter, still clueless_ : wait what  
> -[Tumblr](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Want so much in this life, there's so much to be,  
>  We sail through our youth so impatiently..._  
> -Vanessa Calton, More Than This

The next weekend Gryffindor played Hufflepuff in Quidditch, securing another win with the end result being a party in the Common Room that doubled as Remus Lupin’s birthday party.

The Quidditch team reveled in their win but the Marauders treated Remus like the man of the hour, piling him with drinks and well wishes and brotherly affection. Lily wondered if Sirius’ arm had fallen asleep simply because it’d be draped over Remus’ shoulders for the past hour. 

Marlene, Dorcas and Evelyn sat with Kitty Sharp, Gryffindor’s seeker, giggling about something during the match; Mary argued with a fifth year over the music...James was doing a dramatic replay of his goals for Remus’ entertainment, oblivious to the indifferent glaze in Remus’ face

"I was there, Prongs," he muttered.

When James saw Lily quietly sipping at her cider, he pulled her to the Marauder’s couch, and sat her down next to Remus and went back to it. Sirius tickled her shoulder, the one he could reach, and Remus nodded a thanks as she shouted a happy birthday into his ear. Peter, seated at the armchair across her, leaned over to clink glasses with her. 

As Lily watched James reenact his catches, she thought how nice it was, to be brought into their little bubble. To have these four closely knit boys accept her as a friend after she’d spent so many years against them. 

Lily smiled into her cider and leaned into Remus’ side; Sirius’ hand did not leave her shoulder and squeezed it for a moment. James looked thrilled by it all. 

Lily turned to whisper in Remus’ ear. “I’m mad at you.”

Remus did not at all look concerned and simply said, “oh?”

“I can’t stop noticing James’ ass.” As soon as she said it, whether it was the cider or the admission, Lily went pink— especially since Sirius seemed to have heard it, judging by the way he perked up.

“Now, Lily,” Remus tutted like an old professor, “the potential was already there, I simply nudged you in the right direction.”

“Nothing to be ashamed of, Evans,” Sirius said reassuringly, “although you might have dubious taste.”

“Nah, Prongs is fit,” Remus stated matter of factly, “objectively of course, shut it, Padfoot.”

Lily narrowed her eyes at Remus; there was something she was missing and she was sure it wasn’t the cider’s doing. “How would _you_ kn—” She stopped when Sirius and Remus both looked at her pointedly. Her eyes drifted to Sirius’ arm around Remus’ shoulder. "Oh."

Because the thing is: Sirius Black was that haughty handsome aristocrat that many girls lost their senses for. In past years, she’d heard whispers about girls snogging him in broom cupboards, and he was generous with his charming smile and devious winks. And at Christmas, she heard his own brother accuse him of sleeping with muggleborns and…

And Remus didn’t date. Didn’t even have a rumor to his name that wasn’t about his sick pet and mother...

And then it clicked: all those times Sirius fell asleep on Remus' shoulder during class, the way they always sat close to one another, always subtly touching... 

“ _OH!_ ” Lily’s mouth dropped open and her eyes darted between Sirius and Remus who had tensed up during her thinking. 

“Keep it down, Lily,” Remus hissed at her.

“ _This_ _whole time_ ,” Lily hissed back; she looked over at Peter, who had been a quiet observer in all this and he shrugged like _well, yeah._

Sirius cleared his throat and Remus gave a subtle nod. They looked away from her, and Remus shifted, uncomfortable; Sirius took his arm away but Lily snatched it back before he could slump to the other side of the couch, and held his hand firmly.

“I’m happy for you two,” she said sincerely, feeling Remus relax against her. 

“Does that mean you forgive me for James,” he said wryly. 

Lily frowned. “No.” And then to Sirius, “your hands are so _cold_ , I thought guys were warm?”

“What can I say,” Sirius said in his haughty way, “all that pureblood inbreeding really did a number on my circulation.”

Lily and Remus snorted and then were jolted in surprise when James plopped down on the carpet in front of them, his face flushed from all his antics; a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face and dripped onto his collarbone. Lily licked her lips— and then glared at Remus who sipped his whiskey angelically. 

“Hey, gang,” James panted, apparently having sprinted over to their couch, “what’re we talking about.”

“Boys,” Sirius replied with a smirk. “And how fit they are.”

Lily turned bright red and James blinked between the three of them, unsure how to proceed, but when Remus nodded reassuringly, he rolled his eyes. “I told you _I don’t wanna know_ details. You’re my brothers.”

“Thank Merlin for silencing spells and bed curtains,” Peter muttered in the hollow voice of a man who’d walked in on something a few too many times; he drank deeply while Sirius bellowed a laugh and Remus looked not at all sorry.

“ _Lilyyy_ ,” Mary sang as she draped herself across the back of the couch, squeezing her head between Remus and Lily’s; her breath smelled sweet and definitely boozy. “Come dance with me!” Across the Common Room, some wizard band Lily didn’t recognize was playing on the turntable.

“I’m bonding,” Lily replied.

“Lame.” Mary pouted and but still came ‘round to the other side of the couch, and plopped down beside James. “What’re you bonding over?”

“What do you think of James’ arse,” Sirius said, causing James to sputter in mortification, especially as Mary leaned over and genuinely seemed to assess him.

“Seven,” she concluded, disinterested. 

“Oi! Aren’t you dating that Dowson bloke?”

“Yeah,” Mary sighed dreamily, “he’s an eleven.”

“And how ‘bout you, Miss Evans,” Sirius prodded her, “how would you rate the fine specimen that is James Fleamont Potter?”

James went brighter than phoenix flame and Lily smiled sweetly at Sirius, who waggled his brows and she just couldn’t resist bursting out laughing. 

“Does that mean he’s rubbish?” Peter stage whispered to Remus, who nodded solemnly. 

“ _Oi!”_

“ _Lilyyy_ ,” Mary sang again, shaking her legs. “Let’s get Marlene, let’s dance.”

“Yeah,” Lily agreed, still laughing, still pink in the face, and rose up from the couch amid a chorus of farewells. James looked stunned and just let out a vague mumble as she passed him. 

“We’re not done here, Evans,” Sirius shouted at her but Lily just waved him off even as he vowed, “I’ll get your answer yet!”

Marlene was easy to steal from the other girls, with Dorcas also joining them. Lily got more cider and the three girls giggled their way onto the makeshift dance area, bobbing and jumping to the music. She didn’t like the wizard band that was playing, not much, but it was catchy and she was fuzzy from the cider and, when she looked, James Potter’s watching eyes. 

“He’s a nine,” Lily whispered into Mary’s ear later, and the two had to lean against each other to keep from falling while they laughed. 

* * *

Hogwarts was warm.

Spring had come, melting the last of the snow around the castle and revealing bright green grass. The fires were lowered and wool put away. Students awoke to the sounds of birds, of soft rain pattering against the windows. They shed their heavier cloaks and stole glances outside during lessons, their very bones craving the chance to lie out in the sun after such a cold winter. 

But it wasn’t only spring. 

Lily woke feeling lighter. Even with exams looming larger than ever, there was a contentment that pulled her out of bed and carried her to lessons. She found herself restless while studying in the library; most sessions ended with her arms draped across the table and her books, until she admitted defeat and wandered back to the common room. 

The day after her Hogsmeade trip with James, she’d been goaded by her dormmates to owl Mrs. Potter for book recommendations— and was happily surprised when a large box dropped down one morning over breakfast, stocked with titles she’d never heard of. These books were how she spent her time in the Common Room. There, she’d sit with the others, playing chess with Peter, sharing a chocolate frog with Remus…

Once, James plopped down on the couch beside her, their thighs touching as he asked, “how’s Ivy doing?”

“Still has no idea Charles is a wizard.” Lily shook her head mournfully at the blue bound book. “But he’s coming to visit for Christmas.”

“Ah, good,” James nodded thoughtfully. “Must be killing him, keeping that secret from her…”

“Yes, and it’s delicious,” Lily replied, eagerly turning back a few pages. “Listen to this: _‘Charles leaned against the phone box and listened to Ivy recount her day, her laugh a lovely chime in his ear. He closed his eyes and imagined her there, with him, recounting this story as they walked through the village. There’d be no carefully choosing his words, no half truths, or that twisting in his stomach. It’d be them, in the same space, the same world, no laws between them.’”_

James had tipped his head back onto the couch and crossed his arms, his own eyes closed as she read. When she fell silent, he opened them and she froze under his hazel stare. “Do you think she’ll be angry? When she learns the truth?”

“Of course,” Lily replied, causing James to frown. “But Charles is an escape from her dreary life. They love each other. He’ll be forgiven.”

James’ smile was soft and, for a moment, relieved. He reached over and stole the end of her throw blanket and draped it over his feet. “I like your optimism, Evans. Read some more?”

Another time, it was Sirius who fell onto the couch next to her, crossword in hand. “Four letter word for ‘crave’.” He didn’t need the help, but Lily suspected he liked having the company all the same. 

Lily didn’t even look up from her book. “Pine.”

The portrait hole swung open then, and there was a flurry of movement across the room as the Quidditch team trudged back in from practice. It’d been raining, and they were all shivering, soaked to the bone; Marlene rushed to the fire, while James admonished them for their poor broom care— a ritual after practice, it seemed. 

Lily smiled a welcome to Marlene and then James as he eventually caved into the fire’s tempting warmth. Half of his hair was plastered to his head from the rain, while the other half maintained its stubborn defiance of gravity. Lily giggled, which caught James’ attention, and he flicked some water onto her. 

Sirius’ quill scratched across the parchment as he muttered, “pine indeed.”

* * *

James’ birthday came and went, the occasion marked privately by the Marauders, though the aftermath was for everyone to enjoy. 

Lily wasn’t _exactly_ sure what happened that Sunday night, only that it resulted in the boys getting absolutely pissed, Filch catching James and Remus, Peter’s sleep clothes abandoned in the Entrance Hall, rumors of a dog barking madly through the corridors, and every teachers’ shoes charmed to spawn objects when the owner took a step.

So, it was with a flurry of rose petals that McGonagall descended upon the green faced Marauders at breakfast and bestowed each of them a week’s worth of detentions. The boys took the punishment with dignity, though the moment she was gone, they wilted back into their hangovers.

Lily pushed over some toast to James. “Flitwick and Dumbledore seem to be enjoying their shoes, at least.”

Indeed, the two professors’ faces shone with delight as golden stars (Flitwick) and red phoenix feathers (Dumbledore) followed in their wake. 

“But _how_ did you get into Dumbledore’s chambers,” Marlene marveled. 

“A Marauder never betrays his secrets,” Sirius whispered hoarsely. 

And so it went, until one night when Lily finished her book (Ivy _did_ forgive Charles; they married in the epilogue) and she looked up to see her friends. Laughing, reading, studying— together. Mary painted Sirius’ nails in Gryffindor colors, the latter looking absolutely chuffed even though he’d been lectured to stop biting off his cuticles. 

Evelyn was doing reasonably well at chess with Peter, while Remus finished off his Transfiguration essay and James drowned himself in Quidditch diagrams. Marlene and Dorcas chatted quietly in the corner, leaning in close to one another with goofy, oblivious smiles. 

Just the sight of this, their combined lives merging like this in the Common Room, and quiet peace threading through them...Lily marveled. 

Happiness, Lily realized. That was the warmth she felt. She was happy.

* * *

Of course, what goes up must come down. Lily knew this; she’d learned it first on the playground swing set as a child, and then at Hogwarts with her first flying lesson. The lesson was cemented as the years went by, as Voldemort gained more supporters and tensions grew. 

Such was the grim reality of life and they were all reminded of this the following Monday when the mail came. As soon as Lily opened her copy of _The Daily Prophet_ , she wished she hadn’t. Marlene gasped; Mary slammed hers down and stared blankly at the enchanted ceiling. 

The boys traded glances, James’ mouth becoming a thin line as he read the article. Sirius and Remus’ faces went dark and closed off; Peter dropped his head on a fist.

 _Ten Dead in Apparent Attack_ , the _Prophet_ read, though Lily didn’t have the heart to read more. Nor did she have the stomach to finish her breakfast and so she pushed it away and went to class. 

It was anyone’s guess what her professors actually lectured on that day. Most of her class was distracted, with whispers floating through the halls; Lily even heard some younger students crying. Lily herself felt numb, her notes reflecting the shakiness of her hand, the words unreadable. Eventually she stopped taking notes all together. 

Lunch was an almost silent affair. Subdued and frightened, most of the muggleborns hadn’t the heart to be cheerful. Some were too busy scribbling notes to their families, then rushing to the owlery straight after. Lily did as well, though she had to rewrite it when a tear spilled onto the parchment, smearing her falsely bright message. 

McGonagall grew visibly frustrated with them during lessons but she didn’t dare admonish anyone for their sorrow. She just sighed and got on with it, because that was all that could be done.

* * *

“Bollocks,” Dorcas said darkly, her hands fists at her sides. “There must be something we can do…”

“Well it’s not like we can Apparate out of here and fight,” Mary countered, though it sounded like she was sorely tempted. “Where would we go? Some random town? Shout for Death Eaters to show up?”

“Test is coming up,” Sirius said, twiddling a card between his fingers. “How would they know if I just left?”

“Don’t be an idiot.” James kicked him, frowning. “Bet you a hundred galleons Dumbledore would meet you at the gate.” Sirius scowled but said nothing; everyone strongly suspected James was right.

They were in the fourth floor cupboard, Lily having led the girls up first after dinner and then James popped his head in. The other boys followed soon after; Lily wondered how they even knew...and thought of the mysterious map she’d heard Sirius mention once before. 

There was no question on whether the boys were welcome in the cupboard with them; the girls just scooted over for James, and then transfigured some more cushions for Remus, Sirius and Peter. It was a tight fit, with their bags crammed into the empty spaces, limbs touching, their robes puddled together. Mary, for whatever reason, had her deck of cards in her bag so she dug out them out and even dealt, but the game hadn’t lasted more than a few rounds before it was abandoned.

“Still,” Marlene whispered, “there has to be something…”

“There isn’t,” James replied, voice resigned. One of his hands was buried in his hair and he gripped his wand tightly in the other. Itching for a fight, despite his words. “We’re not fully qualified— of age, some of us, yes I _know_ , Padfoot. But the Aurors require NEWTs...”

“But Dumbledore,” Marlene started, but James shook his head.

“What good would it do him if a bunch of promising students suddenly dropped out of Hogwarts?” 

Dorcas and Sirius both scoffed but Evelyn shook her head. “He’s right. Some of my family are starting to distrust Dumbledore. They think he’s plotting something and if we…”

“Your family doesn’t actually _support_ Voldemort, do they?” Marlene sounded a bit guilty for even asking but Evelyn was quick to shake her head.

“Not my parents,” she said with dark meaning, “but they’re at least aware of where they stand with Voldemort, especially as he gains support.”

“Ah, pureblood pragmatism,” Sirius drawled. “Haven’t missed it in the slightest...Let me guess, they think if they stay on the sidelines, they’ll be safe if Voldemort wins?”

“Exactly,” Evelyn scowled with crossed arms, “stay neutral— no fighting in Dumbledore’s secret army _or_ joining Death Eater ranks. It’s cowardice, if you ask me.”

“But why,” Mary said, staring hard at them all. “Why the secrecy? If people knew Dumbledore was fighting they could stand a better chance, your parents wouldn’t have to worry—”

“Corruption,” Sirius cut in, with a distasteful curl of his lip. “Voldemort built his support over decades, with the trust of families like ours.” He gestured between himself and Evelyn. “Families with deep ties and influence in the Ministry and those working within it. There's power there. Dumbledore knows better than to trust them.”

“Not to mention,” James said, hushed, his eyes going upward, toward Dumbledore’s office. “Dear old Albus is going behind the Ministry’s back, undermining things to do it his way...People don't want the target on their backs by following Dumblebore publicly.”

“I'll take it,” Sirius said bravely, passionately, hotly. 

That’s the mood that descends upon them. All of them wanting to do something, none of them able to do anything but fiddle with their wands and talk big in a forgotten cupboard. 

Times like these, Lily never felt so young, and so brave for wanting to fight, whilst being so terrified that this was it, the war was coming for them, and she hadn’t made her decision yet.

Or had she? 

“Just about curfew,” Peter eventually said, gently, into the quiet.

They gathered their things and stayed silent during the long walk to Gryffindor Tower. The boys stayed close to them, either ahead to look around dark corners, or behind. Lily appreciated it, but hated that they felt the need for it, when over the past few months she’d been wandering around alone. 

Lily blinked, remembering times when James was there with a smile, laughing with her about something that happened in class. 

Maybe she wasn’t as alone as she’d thought. 

James walked behind her now, shoulders a little slumped from the day, his hands shoved deep in his pockets, his hair the usual disaster. His hazel eyes were dim and contemplative. He perked up when he noticed her watching and he skipped as his shoe caught on some smooth flagstone.

Aspiring war hero and he still tripped around girls. Lily’s mouth wobbled, her throat tightening, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. It was all so wrong. 

Times like these...she never felt so young.

Lily stopped walking, waving on Mary and Marlene when they turned to her in question. James fell in beside her, his neck bent as if already listening to what she had to say. Judging by the _oop_ he let out when she suddenly grabbed hold of his robes, he probably wasn’t expecting her to pull him into the broom closet next to them. But that’s what she did. 

Door closed, in the darkness of the small closet, they were just shadows but Lily could hear James’ quick breathing; she felt it whisper across her cheeks. She could smell his soap, warm cedar and spicy. 

Lily said, voice thick, “I haven’t told my parents about the war. What would they do if I suddenly dropped out of school but didn’t say why? Or after Hogwarts, when they never hear from me because I’m doing...whatever?” 

She felt James shift; he leaned against the stone wall and, after a second, he pulled her to him. Lily went easily, gladly, comforted to have his arms around her, holding her. 

James’ calm voice vibrated in his chest. “There’s no shame in not fighting. If it keeps them safe.”

“Blood, sweat and tears, James, remember?” Lily rested her chin on his chest and looked up at his shadow draped face. “I can’t _not_ do anything. It’d feel like...a betrayal. Of what I was born with.”

“I know,” James said.

Lily’s breath made a hot spot into his shirt. “Everyone’s making their decisions and I...I’m...”

James’ arms tightened around her, and he nestled his face into her hair. “Not decided?”

Lily could feel the hammer of his heart and how it matched her own. She brought her hands up, resting them flat against his chest and whispered, “I like you.” 

Small words, but they were the biggest to come out of her lips in a long time, and the most intimate. James let out a little puff of a laugh, his heart skipping a bit, and she smiled into his shirt. “Don’t know what you did, you arrogant bloody sod, but here we are.” 

“Here we are,” James whispered, sounding a little dazed.

“I will decide,” Lily said, firmly, her hands tightening around his shirt. “I have to, with school ending next year. But I need to make sure it’s the right thing to do. For my parents.”

“For you,” James added and he loosened his arms so they could look at each other as properly as they could in the dark. “This is a war for you. For Mary, for Remus and Marlene’s mums. For me too, a little, because for me...it goes back to them, my friends. To you.”

“Your family,” Lily said.

“My family,” James nodded, and pulled her to him again. He breathed in, like he was memorizing the scent of her shampoo, the way she felt against him. She did the same. “I want a life with you all.”

“Thank you,” she murmured.

Lily traced a finger over his heart. Her other hand carded into his hair; his hands held her shoulders, the small of her back. She was sure she’d never been so close to someone in her life, the way they held each other. Feeling their chests rise and fall against each other, their breath dance across the spaces between them. 

Lily could stay there for eternity and wasn’t that her greatest desire? To hold up in a closet and ignore life outside? She could do that, if it would freeze this moment. 

The closet door flew open— blinded by sudden light, Lily and James sprang apart, hands going for their wands on reflex, but they both stopped when they recognized Alta Sandor and Regulus Black, both fifth year Slytherin prefects.

“Twenty points each for drawing your wands on a prefect,” Alta drawled.

“You startled us,” Lily defended, glaring daggers at the both of them.

James stared down at Regulus, who sneered at him with open disdain. “Well. That’s what you get for debasing yourself, Potter,” the Slytherin boy said.

“Fucking a mudblood,” Sandor said hatefully, “a disgrace to your blood.”

“And that’s twenty points for language.” Lily snatched James’ arm before he could launch a hex at Sandor, gripping tight to hide her own shakiness. “C’mon, James...”

James went first, placing himself between her and the Slytherins, his hand a protective weight on her shoulder. They hurried away, down the corridor and up to Gryffindor Tower but before they could go too far, Black said, “Potter, wait.”

They both stopped, James only turning his head to show he was listening, but he was tense at Lily’s side.

Black seemed to take a bracing breath, sighed it out and said, “tell him Alphard died.”

James startled and now fully turned to Regulus Black, eyes wide, but the Slytherins continued their patrol and were going down the opposite side of the corridor. James swore under his breath, but he didn’t explain anything despite Lily’s open curiosity. Instead, he nodded his head toward Gryffindor Tower, mouth grim from the message. 

James’ hand didn’t leave her shoulder though, not until he was sure there wouldn’t be any more Slytherins popping out of the shadows. Lily’s heart still thumped, her hands still shook. It was just too close to home, being called that vile name after the day she’d had, after what she and James had just discussed…

As soon as James’ hand left her shoulder, she grabbed it, and didn’t let go for the rest of the walk back to the Common Room. 

* * *

It seemed, now that spring had arrived, the time flew by. 

The sixth years passed their Apparition tests and for a moment, the world seemed large and limitless. They all almost pissed themselves laughing when Sirius Apparated outside 12 Grimmauld Place for the express purpose of throwing a rude gesture at it, reappearing moments later looking rather satisfied. 

Exams loomed, as they ever did, and Lily took another trip behind the greenhouses with Remus. She wrote her parents a long letter and upon walking in on her reading their reply, Mary and Marlene hurried over, but Lily shook her head before they could voice their worry.

She held out the paper, “I told them everything. About the war. Least I could do considering…They aren’t pleased with me. But they went on about raising me to do the right thing.”

“That’s, er, good,” Mary ventured.

“That’s great,” Marlene confirmed, taking Lily’s hand as she sat down on the bed. “They love you Lily, of course they’d support you.”

Lily nodded, her chest tight with this amazing truth. “And...I told James I fancy him,” Lily admitted quietly. 

This time the girls gasped.

“I knew it!”

“Snogged in that broom closet the other week, yeah?”

Lily shook her head, tucking her knees up close, folding her arms under her face. “I told him I’m not ready to make a decision. I’d be choosing to fight in the war if I was with him, you know.”

Someone shuffled, and then a hand touched Lily’s arm, circled around her shoulders and pulled her close. “But you want to fight don’t you?” Marlene’s voice was soft in her ear.

“I’d be putting them in danger. My parents.”

Mary, now on Lily’s other side, said, “They wrote you back though, supporting you. They wouldn’t do that if they didn’t know the risks.”

Lily tried to imagine her parents in a their low-lit bedroom, discussing this, this war they probably didn't fully understand. Yet they still encouraged her to do the right thing. There, in her hand, in writing, was practically their blessing. 

And then, she thought of Mr. and Mrs. Potter at their home, writing letters to Ministry workers, holding meetings with Dumbledore, going on secret missions. Was it an easy choice for them, knowing they have a young son at Hogwarts? Was it painful, when they realized their son was headed down the same path as them? 

“I know,” Lily said into her arms, “it’s just...it’s coming up so fast. It’s _war_ and I just...”

At eleven years old, Lily had thought seven years was an eternity and that the seventh years were wise adults, with all the answers of the universe. Now seventeen years old herself, she wanted to go back to shout at her younger self. _We’re the same_ , she’d say, _and I don’t know_ anything.

“For what it’s worth, Lily,” Marlene said kindly, taking one of her hands, “I’ll think you’re brave no matter what you decide.”

“Years of standing up to the boys,” Mary laughed, taking another, and squeezing. “Putting the Slytherins— Snape— in their place. You’re amazing.”

Lily laughed and it was a breathless thing as their words slid between the doubt in her mind, reminding her she could be strong. The odds had been stacked against her the moment she’d first stepped into Hogwarts yet she pushed at them anyway, because that was what her parents taught her to do.

It’s always felt good, that push, because she found herself with a little more breathing room in this world to which she was confident she belonged. Her, and her friends, who’d always been there for her even when she hadn't realized. She sat up and looked down at their joined hands; waves of affection, of love, swept over her, and she pulled them both into a gripping embrace.

Lily wanted to fight for them, too. 

* * *

Whoever Uncle Alphard was and however he died, he managed to put Sirius Black in a right mood. James had apparently passed on Regulus’ message, for Sirius appeared at breakfast the next day in low spirits with fleeting glances at his younger brother. 

Next, a letter came for Sirius that left him speechless and stupefied, even after James punched him in the arm. Twice. 

Then, the cherry upon the family drama, he received a letter from the Black family that left him looking stormy and hunting down Regulus. Hexes flew and Regulus ended up in the hospital wing and Sirius with detention. 

Sirius capped the month off by sulking around and lashing out at everyone until Mrs. Potter sent him a letter that had him hurrying, pink faced, to his dorm, the other boys at his heels.) 

Lily was spared his tirade, strangely for her.

She and Remus were out for rounds one night, almost done in fact, and pleased with themselves for only having to break up two couples. They’d made a silent decision to wrap up and head back to Gryffindor Tower when a harsh, _pssst_ drifted from a nearby tapestry. 

“What the—” Remus exchanged a wary look with Lily, and then pulled back the heavy tapestry to reveal...nothing. 

And then Sirius’ head appeared. Lily shrieked. The boys laughed, and she swatted at them. “Stop _doing that_. It’s creepy!”

“Need something, Pads?” Remus bit his lip to stop laughing. 

“Miss Lily Evans,” Sirius said in a most gallant voice, shrugging off James’ cloak and bowing. “Might you do this humble marauder the honor of...escorting me to the prefect’s bathroom?”

Remus groaned out an _oh, Christ_ and Lily snorted. “You’ve never been humble a day in your life, Black.”

“And you’ve never been so broody,” Sirius shot back. “Space case, yes, but not broody.”

“I prefer _daydreamer_ , thank you, and you’re one to talk.”

“ _Anyway_.” Sirius jabbed a thumb backwards. “Prefect’s bathroom?”

“Make _him_ take you,” Lily gestured at Remus and carried on back to the Tower.

“He won’t,” Sirius said, catching up easily. He looked rather tragic as he shook his head. “Says some things need to stay sacred.”

Remus demonstrated the world's most dramatic eye roll. Lily laughed. “He’s got a point.”

“Lily,” Sirius entwined an arm with hers, and brought a hand up to gently stroke her hair. “Dearest flower...Please?”

“Oi.” Remus did Lily the courtesy of batting away Sirius’ hand, while she scowled for the flower pun.

“I’ve had such a rubbish month,” Sirius ignored Remus. “So have you...could do for a dip in a pool.”

Sirius made his silver eyes go big and round, dewy in their sincerity. Lily shot Remus an unimpressed glance. “Did this really work on you?”

“Look,” Remus said, wry as ever, but affectionate, “I am a simple creature…And really, _look at him_.”

Lily _tsk_ ’d but goddamn it, the longer it went on, the more she realized Remus _was_ right: Sirius had a face for sweet pleading. Also, Sirius’ words sank in. He had a point: the month had been great...until it wasn’t. Attacks and the back and forth letters with her parents and— well, she didn’t know him— but even the domino effect that was Uncle Alphard. 

“Ugh,” Lily slumped, “fine. _Fine_. Just this once, and then we’re changing the password.”

“Bless,” Sirius said, and then paused to steal a quick kiss from Remus who murmured, _have fun_. 

* * *

Sirius chose almond and she chose rose, and the two scents poured out of the taps along the bathing pool, sweet and heady. Steam billowed up into the large room as Lily rolled her socks into a ball and went to sit at the pool’s edge.

“Heard about your closet tryst with Prongs,” Sirius said from where he lounged under the mermaid’s painting. Lily almost lost her footing, almost slipped straight into the pool, and shot him a glare.

“Oh, no, you go first,” she said, sighing as she dipped her feet into the hot water. “You dragged me here...who’s Uncle Alphard?”

“Only sane member of my family,” Sirius scoffed, and then nodded his head in amendment. “Besides Andromeda that is. Anyway, Alphard died, left me his gold. Family is not pleased.”

“Fuck them.” Lily said as she splashed water over her shins, thinking of Sirius’ awful cousins and the whispers from when he ran away last year. “You deserve that money.”

Sirius barked out a laugh. “Cheers, Evans, but I’m afraid there’s been enough incest in the Black family as it is…” He laughed again when Lily sent him a splash of perfumey water.

Sirius went about rolling up his trousers then decided that wasn’t good enough and went for his belt buckle instead. “Er. You don’t mind, do you?” Lily waved him off, remembering her drunken birthday when she’d barged into his dorm and he’d been lounging in only sleep trousers. She snorted and Sirius’ brow went up in question.

“Just...birthday stuff, remember? James had snitches on his sleep pants.”

Sirius stepped out of his uniform trousers and tossed them aside and then dipped a toe delicately into the water. “How could I forget? He was practically singing sonnets about your _fair hand in his_. Wanker.”

Lily blushed and smiled down into the water, watching as the oils swirled past. “How come we didn’t celebrate your birthday?”

Sirius made a face of distaste. “Celebrate when I became the heir to the _noble house of Black_? Would rather not, thanks.”

Fair, Lily thought, as Sirius threw off his shirt and lowered himself into the pool with a hiss of satisfaction. It was quite a sight to behold: Sirius Black dripping with water, over his bare torso, his dark hair pulled up into a bun, mouth open in a small, contented _O_. Lily splashed more water at him. 

“Shameless,” she giggled when he looked affronted.

“Taste of your own medicine,” he said, using both arms to send a wall of water at her. 

Lily shrieked as it landed on her, sinking into her hair and clothes, but she also fell back in laughter. Her sides hurt from it and Christ, she’d missed this feeling. Sirius’ attack had been effective; she was soaked and honestly, who cared. She stripped down into her underwear and jumped into the pool with Sirius.

“I’d say Prongs would kill me for this,” Sirius said, politely averting his eyes when she came back up and wiped the rosy water from her eyes. “But luckily he’s the trusting type.”

“No different than a bikini,” Lily paddled around him. “Besides, you’re with Remus.”

“Yeah,” Sirius grinned all lopsided, like he was the luckiest bloke in all the British Isles. “I am...what’s a bikini?”

“ _Are you_ _serious_ — shut up!”

Even by the time Sirius stopped laughing, Lily was skeptical about whether Sirius _actually_ knew muggle swim fashion, but gave up on trying to get a straight answer and just floated instead. He turned on a tap of bubbles that sparkled in the bathroom’s golden light and she watched them drift lazily across the room. 

“Sirius,” she said, getting a grunt out of him. “Was it hard? Leaving your family?”

“No,” came the immediate answer. His feet splashed back into the water and he stood facing her, face grim. “It was a relief. No love there, Evans.”

Lily nodded and swam up to the edge of the pool, crossing her arms over it; goose pimples rose over them at the stone’s cool touch. 

“You know what though?” Sirius swam into her vision and he leaned his back against the edge next to her and followed a trail of bubbles floating past. “It’s hard leaving this castle every summer. We’ve been through a lot, the four of us. They’re my...”

“Family,” Lily finished for him. “Your real family.”

Sirius nodded and sighed. “It’s not _quite_ the same for you, Lily. There's your sister but...your parents want you. We want you.”

Lily squinted into the depths of the bathroom, her face twisted up into comical confusion. “How did _we_ become family?”

Sirius’ shrug was equally exaggerated. “It’s a mystery.”

Lily sniffed out of a small laugh and then turned her hands over, running her thumbs over her pruney fingertips. “Is he upset with me?”

James didn’t seem to be; they worked together in Potions, same as always. He still asked about the books she read. He seemed okay, James seemed good, but he was also a stereotypical Gryffindor, all courage and unyielding morals...did he think she was a coward? Did his respect for her drop at all?

“Nah,” Sirius shrugged again and wiped some water from his face. “I don’t think he could ever be upset with you, not if you’re certain of what you want. But, if you’re really worried, just show up at Quidditch practice some time, he’ll cheer right up.”

“I don’t know,” Lily muttered darkly, hoisting herself out of the pool to perch on the edge. “The Ravenclaw match is coming up...He’d slip right off his broom if he saw me during practice and then where would we be?”

Sirius looked stricken for a moment. “Merlin’s balls, you’re right. Never mind, avoid the pitch at all costs.”

Lily laughed. “C’mon, I could go for some cocoa to cap off the night.”

Sirius hummed his consent and the two went in search of their wands to dry themselves. Lily left her hair wet though, enjoying the coy sweetness that drifted out of it when she moved. She talked (and physically dragged) Sirius out of charming the taps to expel something nasty for the next user.

“Remus is right,” she squealed as he tried to wiggle out of her grasp. “Sanctity!”

“Fine, fine,” Sirius huffed.

Lily braided her hair on the way back to Gryffindor Tower, and when it was finished, she linked an arm through Sirius'. Just as the Fat Lady portrait came into view, she spotted two tall figures waiting beside it; James and Remus.

“Thought you said he was the trusting type,” Lily muttered to Sirius.

“Yeah. And hopeless. Look, he’s thrilled to see you.”

He was right; the closer they got, the better Lily could see the sparkle in James’ eyes, the way he only looked at her. She flushed, and Sirius’ arm fell away as he went to Remus. 

“Pete’s already off,” Remus said, after a kiss with Sirius; he seemed at total ease now that their relationship was revealed to Lily, and she was glad. “Filch is in his office, Mrs. Norris on the fifth floor…”

“Perfect,” Sirius sang, slinging his arm around Remus and leading him away. “Night, Evans.”

Lily watched them disappear into shadow and she turned to James, who was now averting his eyes in a picture of innocence. “What are you plotting? How do you know where Mrs. Norris is?”

James winked. “No questions, Evans. You know I can’t lie to you.”

“Then don’t.”

James simply smiled and shoved his hands in his pockets as he backed away. “Night, Lily.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Fun fact: the book Lily is reading is, in fact, my current WIP...except it's a Jily AU inspired by all the text chat fics I read; James is a wizard, Lily is a muggle, and they become pen pals. I'm hoping to get it finished by the end of spring, so fingers crossed.  
> -[Tumblr](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _“Should this be the last thing I see,  
>  I want you to know it’s enough for me  
> ‘Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need.”_  
> Ed Sheeran, Tenerife Sea

May in the Highlands was still chilly enough, especially in the soothing glow of twilight, that Lily brought a cloak out with her to the Quidditch pitch. The strap of her bag dug uncomfortably, almost painfully, into her shoulder as she climbed the steps up one of the Gryffindor boxes. When she reached the top, she was warm, a little out of breath, but it was worth it for the view alone.

Highland mountains embraced the castle grounds on all sides, the very tips still capped with stubborn snow. Hogwarts itself was straight out of a fairy tale, Lily had always thought. But she still took a moment to appreciate the burning orange of the setting sun and the handful of stars sprinkled overhead, twinkling as if in friendly greeting.

Lily set down her school bag with a thunk and sat on the rough wooden bench, pulling her cloak around her. Cool wind brushed through her hair as she tucked a lock behind an ear, and looked out on the practice itself. 

Lily maintained a general dislike of sports— a leftover from watching football matches on her primary school playground with disinterest. She’d never imagined there was a sport like Quidditch, where players were shooting stars, and it always surprised her how it enraptured her.

Marlene let out a cheer when she spotted Lily, flying over close so that Lily could five-high her. As predicted, James did indeed fumble the quaffle but Jason Denbright, the third chaser, was quick to catch it. James blew his whistle and the players gathered around him, and laughed at something he said— they were back at it with their formations seconds later.

They were amazing. Kitty lunged forward like a snake catching its bait every time she caught the snitch; James, Marlene and Jason weaved together effortlessly, passing the quaffle with sure, strong hands. 

Lily’s bag leaned heavily against her leg; she’d meant to revise up here but now she hadn’t the heart to actually do it. James and Marlene performed their signature dive/pass/score routine that made Lily’s stomach rise up to her throat. 

Sirius had suggested she visit practice in jest, to cheer up James, but she wondered if _she_ was the one who needed this encouragement because watching them boldly streak across the pitch pumped a small measure of adrenaline through her, enough to give her a jolting sense of clarity.

Lily realized one thing perfectly: a life in the muggle world would be peaceful but utterly mundane compared to what she witnessed now, and what she herself could do. She couldn’t weave past bludgers with perfect precision but, if she so desired to learn, it was only a matter of picking up a broom. 

Or she could pick up her wand and levitate herself a few feet off the ground, or— Merlin and Morgana, she could _teleport_ now and that alone was enough for her to huff out a small laugh. 

Lily was never going to leave the wizard world; she knew that with every beat of her heart, with every leap it made as she watched James fly with grace and confidence and just a dash of well earned arrogance. He was at home on that broom in every way she was at home in this world.

So absorbed as she was by the team’s play, she didn’t notice the shadow that slunk into the box until it sat down right next to her. Lily sucked in a breath, startled, and recoiled from Severus Snape watching her from behind his curtain of dark hair. 

“Severus— _What the hell!”_ Lily scooted away, pulling her cloak even closer around herself.

The way Snape stared at her was unnerving, like he was battling between disdain and esteem. Fury or affection. The way his lip curled up, it wasn’t hard to guess which he chose as he said, “Sandor told me what happened.”

“What? Sandor?” But then it came to her: that night a few weeks ago, with James in the broom closet, and the sudden beam of light that interrupted them. 

Lily warily watched as outrage clouded over Snape and he spat, “is this your revenge? Taking up with _Potter?”_

Lily rolled her eyes and turned back toward the pitch with a shake of her head. “Christ, Snape, this _isn’t_ revenge, and the sooner you realize that what I do and whom I do it with is _none_ of your business, the sooner I can live my life in peace.”

Snape sputtered, unprepared for her quick dismissal, and then he let out a black swear under his breath that made Lily’s blood chill. She whipped back ‘round on him and glared with the same sort of venom he reserved for James. 

“You see,” her voice was firm, unyielding in its certainty, “this year without you has been the best I’ve had since our Sorting.” She clenched her teeth through the sick fraction of satisfaction she felt when Snape blanched. “I don’t have to wade through shadows to find you, or lose sleep worrying and hoping you’ll change your mind. I don’t have to walk on eggshells with my friends for being me. I can openly admire their talents.”

Lily locked eyes with James across the pitch; he’d pulled up short, hovering upon seeing Snape beside her but she smiled softly. 

“James Potter is not the worst thing I’ve done,” she said, thinking of their trip to Hogsmeade, or the many times they curled up together in the Gryffindor Common Room. “He could very well be the best.”

Together, the two of them, they could do great things and it sometimes made her giddy with the possibilities.

Her smile dropped suddenly into a deep frown and she looked at Snape finally. “What’s _actually_ the worst thing I’ve done is that for a few weeks, I considered letting the Death Eaters win.” She bore into Snape, eyes stone against his scornful black ones. 

“Your friends might scare me, Snape,” she whispered, “but I will love whom I please regardless of who wants to stop us. When the time comes, I’ll fight to protect that love.”

Snape pulled in a sharp breath, his mouth a thin line, and he sounded hollow when he said, “you’ll fight me?”

“Alright, Lily?” They looked up to see James had flown over; his robes settling around him, and he looked between her and Snape, his face flushed from sport but body tense, alert, at the unknown in front of him.

“Yeah,” Lily replied, grabbing her bag. “We were just discussing the future.”

James narrowed his eyes, catching the deeper meaning there, but eventually tore away from Snape. “We’re just about finished practice, if you want a lift back down…?”

Lily’s smile was genuine, eager, when she nodded. “Sounds brilliant.”

James blinked, and then beamed at her, absolutely delighted. “Brilliant.”

He landed with sure feet in the box and took her bag from her, slinging it around his shoulders, muttering, “Merlin, Evans, what’ve you got in here?”

“A book or two from your mother,” she replied sweetly. “Her choices were rather spicy this time.”

James grimaced and he turned a bit pink as he said, “Lily. Please. Tampons were bad enough, let’s _not_ talk about Mum’s _spicy_ literary tastes.”

Lily laughed and James grinned a bit lopsidedly as he slid up so that she could climb on behind him, placing a steadying hand on his shoulder— then she looked over at where Snape still watched with queasy revolt. 

“I’ve been fighting you since that first day in the park,” Lily reminded him gently and then wrapped her arms around James and squeezed to signal her readiness. 

James obliged, using one hand to press hers securely into his torso, and leaning forward so that they shot away from the box with the arrogance Snape hated, but which made her laugh out with exhilaration.

* * *

Back on the ground, James twisted to make sure she didn’t stumble off the broom in her dismount. He looked thrilled to have given her a lift and she wondered if his smile would split his face in half. Then again, perhaps hers would too. 

Then she frowned, and worry flickered across James, only to melt away when she plucked off his glasses with a tragic sigh as she buffed away the smudges with her robes. “You’ll never win us the match with your vision so mucky.”

James’ grin was goofy when she took a single step forward and slipped his glasses back on, her fingertips brushing against his hair. He struck a dashing pose. “How do I look?”

Lily made a show of consideration, finger at her chin and inspected him from head to toe before finally shrugging in exaggerated, begrudging acceptance. “Suppose you’ll do.”

James snorted and bowed in gracious thanks. “The lady is too kind.” When he straightened, he looked at her with open affection that made her heart _pitter-patter_ delicately, but then his smile lowered a fraction. “You alright?” 

Lily sighed out her lingering tension and chanced a glance back up toward the box, Snape’s black figure now nowhere to be seen. “Yeah. Just...petty spite is all.”

“I usually find hexing him to be greatly therapeutic,” James nodded with great sage, bursting out a laugh at the glower she tossed at him. “And deeply problematic, yes, yes.”

“James,” she squinted at him. “Promise me you won’t go off and hex him the moment we part ways.”

“Aw, Evans,” he replied with what was probably meant to be a charming grin and leaning arrogantly on the handle of his broom, “that would mean we’d have to part ways.” 

Lily was not impressed and said flatly, “weak.”

James jolted like he’d been wounded by recovered quickly, relaxing into his endearing ease. “Blame a bloke for trying?” When she didn’t reply he gave in with a chuckle. “Yeah, yeah, I promise. C’mon, the rest of the team is probably going mad for not officially dismissing them.”

* * *

Gryffindor did indeed win the match against Ravenclaw and for the next few days, Lily’s step was light, her heart bright. Marlene elbowed her more than once after catching Lily staring, a bit _too_ dreamily, at the back of James’ head in lessons. 

In Potions, she allowed herself the luxury of appreciating James Potter up close, hand propping up her chin as she leaned against the table, fully relaxed as she watched him work. His hands were deft, and his level of precision almost matched hers. He rolled his sleeves to his elbows, exposing lean forearms, a detail she couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed before.

But then, there was a lot about James she’d never noticed. Like how his hair had a tendency to favor the left side of gravity. Or how his glasses got smudged because he’d push them back up his nose by whichever part of them his hands got to first, rim or lens. She noticed how his lips pouted in concentration whenever he wrote something, and his supernatural ability to write in perfectly straight lines on blank parchment.

Lily had no idea what to do with this information. She supposed she could reach out at any point and touch James’ hand, or pull him into an embrace...she could boldly walk into lunch, grab him by his robes and snog him full on in front of the entire school...But, much as she wanted— and Merlin, she _wanted_ — she wasn’t in any rush. 

It was just nice, the details that made up James’ whole being; they stoked the simmering desire pooling within her, something that she certainly welcomed.

And anyway, exams had arrived and she wasn’t sure if she even had the spare focus for snogging, not with revisions and final essays using up everything in her reserves. Every free moment found the sixth year Gryffindors feverishly studying, trading notes and old essays and quizzing each other on everything they could possibly think of. 

Midnight often came and went with most of them still holed up in the Common Room, their eyes bleary, the text in their books blurry as they shook themselves to stay awake. The mornings were the worst of course, with all of them downing coffee like it was their life’s blood, and then trudging to their exams like soldiers to battle. 

Of course, they got through them. By blood, sweat and tears, they finished. The question of whether or not they actually passed their exams was a worry for the future. Not yet though. Lily wanted to enjoy the dizzying freedom that carried her from her last exam to her bed, where she slept under the warm June sun filtering through her window. 

* * *

And then there was Dumbledore. 

Professor Dumbledore was vocal in his opposition with Voldemort, everyone knew, and everyone suspected it ran deeper than mere words. 

As a young first year, Lily had been in absolute awe of him; he embodied everything a wizard should be, according to her childhood fairy tales: wisdom, power, mystery, beard. Now, years later, as the war steadily grew in gravity, and her own fears for the world sharpened, Lily found herself looking over at Dumbledore’s often vacant seat at the teacher’s table with a hushed sort of reverence. 

On the same token though, Lily sort of paid Dumbledore the same amount of attention as she did, say, the statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor. That is, she was aware Dumbledore existed within the walls of Hogwarts but unless she had reason to think about him, she usually didn’t. 

So it was a complete, unsettling shock, when the week after exams finished, Dumbledore sent for them. One by one. 

Sirius Black was first. Professor McGonagall swept up to him during breakfast which sent Sirius into defensive mode before she’d even reached him, greeting her with a cool, “I didn’t do anything.”

If Professor McGonagall were one to roll her eyes, she would have in that moment. Instead she stared at Sirius with supreme doubt but said, “Professor Dumbledore would like a word with you after dinner, Mr. Black.”

Sirius blinked at her, shock momentarily slipping out from his indifference, and he looked over at the others for confirmation that he’d heard correctly and _what_? When they all shook their heads dumbly, he turned back to McGonagall. “A word?”

“Yes, Black, a word” she said impatiently, “and I daresay you won’t keep him waiting.”

Sirius nodded and said, “er. Yes, ma’am.” Lily had always admired McGonagall’s ability to reign in Sirius. 

McGonagall nodded, satisfied, and left for her exam marking. Everyone stared openly at Sirius who put on a great show of acting unaffected by the entire exchange while he sipped at his coffee. 

The moment McGonagall’s emerald robes swished out of sight, however, he slammed the mug down, brown liquid sloshing, and looked hard at the boys. “D’you think Dumbledore found out about...er?”

“Padfoot,” James finished, he and the other Marauders going white. 

“Found about what?” Mary looked between the boys. 

“Nah, he couldn’t have,” Peter said, sounding small and uncertain. 

“Wasn’t lying,” Sirius said, “really haven’t done anything. Er, this week. And it’s _Dumbledore_. So what else..?”

“Not like you’re subtle,” Remus muttered.

“You’re an idiot,” James said decisively, slapping Sirius on the back as he stood, looking over at the girls. “C’mon...Marauder’s meeting.” The boys hurried to gather their things and all but jogged out of the Hall.

The girls all watched them leave and it was Lily who said aloud, perplexed and so wildly curious, “what the fuck was that?”

* * *

James was tight lipped about what they talked about all day, and Lily didn’t believe him for a second when he said everything was alright. She knew his tells by now: the way he avoided looking at her; the slight question in his own words, as if he too, had trouble believing them. 

Something was bothering the Marauders, and they kept close to one another throughout the rest of the day, whispering in hushed tones, disappearing up to their dorm during breaks. When dinner came ‘round, none of them said much at all, not to each other, and certainly not to the girls. They escorted Sirius to Dumbledore’s office, and Lily got the sense they were all being rather dramatic about it, acting like he was on trial for murder…

In the end, it all boiled down to one thing: Head Boy. More specifically, next year’s. 

The Marauders all came back an hour or so later, Sirius looking rather like a great joke had been played on him. 

“He interviewed me,” Sirius said after he threw himself onto the armchair by the fire. Remus sat at his feet, staring at the flames and saying nothing. “Said stuff about ‘great responsibilities’ and asked how, _if chosen_ , I’d uphold Hogwarts values.”

“He’s not daft enough to give it to _you_ ,” Marlene said, laughing. 

“ _Thanks,_ McKinnon,” Sirius drawled. “Nice to have your vote.”

“She’s right,” Peter and Remus both said; Sirius looked betrayed and Mary snickered.

“Head Boy,” James whispered, and then caught Lily’s eye. 

Lily couldn’t help it; she smiled broadly at the thought of James possibly becoming Head Boy, with her at his side, golden badges pinned to their robes as they embarked on late night patrols. There was something romantic and daring about it, and from the way James shared her smile, she knew he thought it too.

“Thing is though,” Sirius said low and slow, shifting subtly in his chair so that his shins pressed casually against Remus. “Dumbles asked me about the future too. As in, _after_ Hogwarts.”

“Recruiting?” James’ brows furrowed in thought, and he looked so serious in the flickering flame light. 

Sirius only shrugged, dropping his hand onto the chair cushion, fingertips brushing at Remus’ back. “Yes and no with Dumbledore, isn’t it?”

“Scouting,” James amended with a curt nod. He sank into the couch, folding his arms across him and stared at the ceiling. Firelight reflected off his glasses and Lily wondered if his thoughts were just as blazing.

Lily’s heart thumped, thinking of their meaning behind Dumbledore’s interview. It thumped and thumped, and she stared into the fire, feeling more resolved than unnerved…

* * *

Remus was called the next morning and he, too, walked off to the headmaster’s office as if doomed for the gallows. 

Something had settled over the sixth years. Not just the Gryffindors, but every House. Lily noticed at breakfast each time a Head of House spoke to a sixth year, and she elbowed her friends each time it happened. 

When Mary was called up, she pulled a petulant scowl. “I don’t even _want_ to be Head Girl,” she hissed. 

“Don’t know why they’re going through all the trouble,” Marlene stirred her potatoes one dinner, “everyone knows it should be you as Head Girl, Lily.”

Lily felt her face heat up and she ducked her head and went back to eating. She’d thought about being Head Girl only in the abstract, when she was a starry eyed first and second year, and the Head Girls seemed so grown up and mature. Seventh year seemed so far back then...

“Oh no,” Lily despaired now, laying her head on the table. “We’re going to be _seventh years_.” 

“There, there,” Marlene patted her back, “it’s just end-of-exams shock talking.”

Marlene was right; their end of year giddiness evaporated, zapped out each time one of their own was called up to Dumbledore’s office, and each day exam results weren’t posted. No one went into detail on their conversations with the headmaster but Remus and Mary at least shared in Sirius and James’ suspicions.

Marlene went next, then James the day after. Lily watched him accept McGonagall’s invitation and then stare at the Gryffindor table, his eyes bright and determined as he silently drank the rest of his coffee. 

Lily waited for him after dinner, reading the last of Mrs. Potter’s books with one eye on the portrait hole; she read the same page at least ten times and sighed enough times to fill a balloon before Remus took pity on her and ran up to the boys’ dorm.

“He’s at the Quidditch pitch,” Remus said upon his return, but instead of settling back into his book, he marked off the page and closed it. 

Lily set her own book onto her lap. “How d’you…”

“Go on,” Remus nodded his head towards the portrait hole and, quietly so the other girls couldn’t hear, said, “and send Sirius up...Pete’s still at chess club and you’ll keep James busy…”

It took a moment to fully comprehend Remus’ intent but once she did, Lily flushed bright red and gawked at Remus. 

Remus shrugged unapologetically and slunk back up to said dorm. Mary and Evelyn perked up from their spots on the couch, their heads tilted in silent question but Lily, still flushing, waved them off. 

“Going to find Potter,” Lily said, and carefully marked Mrs. Potter’s book. Mary and Evelyn gave Lily sly smiles.

Lily gave them a mocking jeer but hightailed it out of the portrait hole before they could issue snogging orders in front of the entire House. 

* * *

Lily took her time walking down to the pitch, enjoying the warm summer breeze now making its way through the open corridor windows. It felt almost living, the way it tingled around her fingers and seeped into her heart, the way it brushed warmth onto her cheeks. 

Winter had ended, it said, come out and play. 

Lily did, walking right onto the green expanse of the Quidditch pitch just as two figures zoomed overhead. Sirius hadn’t lost his chaotic way of flying in his year off the team and he matched James in speed and daring. 

Lily knew the moment they spotted her because they swooped down low and barreled full speed down the pitch, their faces pulled in manic grins before halting mere feet from her. James’ hair was in such disarray that calling it _hair_ would be generous. 

Sirius beamed at her and gracefully dismounted his broom. “Hiya, Evans.” 

“Alright?” James propped a foot on the broom handle and leaned an arm against his knee, looking so comfortable and at home on it, but there was something about him...dimmer, she thought, and her stomach sank a bit. How had his meeting gone?

“Remus said to come back up,” Lily told Sirius and then twisted her mouth uncomfortably. “Said, er. Empty dorm...”

Sirius’ eyes darkened with— oh Christ, that was lust— as he glanced in the direction of Gryffindor Tower. “Right, well. Later, Prongs. Evans.”

Lily stared at the green grass, her mouth pinched somewhere between amusement and supreme awkwardness, and waited for Sirius to be out of earshot before she said, “they’re going to shag up there, aren’t they?” 

James nodded, seeming unable to look at Lily. “It’s, er...yeah.” And, like he was confessing, added, “I, er, caught them on my bed once? Pete, too, he’s had girls up there too and er. Yeah. We leave ties on the door now. Saves us all some dignity...” 

Lily’s eyebrow quirked a bit and she clasped her hands behind her back, bouncing on her heels and let her voice go teasing. “ _We?”_

“Ah!” James’ arm slipped off his knee and he almost tumbled to the ground. “Not— not _we_ , _them._ ”

Lily nodded solemnly. “Ah, right. Because you’re so chaste, you wouldn’t dream of sneaking a girl up to your dorm.” Obviously she was joking, _obviously,_ as she really hoped that wasn’t the case— 

“ _Lily Evans_ ,” James called out, voice high and cheeks a distinct pink. He gestured grandly at his broom. “Would you care for a sunset ride around the castle?”

Lily melted with an affectionate smile at James’ obvious deflection. _Yes yes yes_ , her mind screamed as, outwardly, she gave a casual shrug. James scooted backward so that she could climb on, in front of him this time. She wondered, as he leaned forward to grip the broom around her, whose thumping heart that was— his or hers? 

James carefully raised them into the air and Lily hardly remembered to breathe, surrounded as she was by him. She could feel the tension in his arms every time he moved them even so much as an inch. He took them on a long arch around the castle, over the Forbidden Forest, and finally swung them back over the Black Lake. 

Lily drank in the view, craning her neck to see the castle better over James’ arm, enough so that she heard him mutter, “careful, Evans, you’ll turn us upside down.”

So Lily settled herself more securely against James and, in silent response, he released one hand from the broom and wrapped it around her waist, pulling her to him. Slowly, the rest of the stars came out and night descended upon them, Hogwarts twinkling with them. 

“Never gets old, does it,” James murmured in her ear and she shivered, either from the truth of his words, or the feel of his breath on her skin. Maybe both. Definitely both.

James flew them back to the Quidditch pitch and to a tall, dark viewing box. He helped her from the broom, his hand over hers, strong and steady, and Lily sat in the middle row while James carefully laid his broom over a bench and hoisted himself onto the ledge of the box.

Just the two of them, with the stars and the castle. Even with the few feet of distance between them, Lily felt as close to him as if they were crammed inside a broom closet. Utterly alone with him.

James balanced confidently on the small ledge, his hands gripping on both sides, and he stared up thoughtfully at the flickering stars, as if they offered him council. It was too dark to read him completely but Lily sensed a melancholy had fallen over him.

“James,” Lily said softly, and he flickered his eyes to her. “How was your meeting with Dumbledore?”

Sighing, James rubbed a hand through the back of his hair, and laughed a touch hollow, the sound whisked off by the night’s breeze. “Think I bollocksed it up, actually.”

Straight-faced, Lily said, “did you confess to bathing in first year blood every new moon?”

She expected James to toss a joke back because that was what James Potter did. Ever optimistic and bright. Instead he frowned and shook his head. “I told him I don’t want to be Head Boy.”

“Oh,” Lily said, and then gently, “but that’s fine, you don’t have to be.”

“Thing is…” James made a frustrated sound. “I _did._ A little bit, but for the wrong reason. Maybe...”

“And what reason is that?”

Darkness hid most of his face, but James Potter wore his heart on his sleeve, and Lily saw it plain as day as he looked at her— _at_ her: respect, desire, vulnerability. Love...all for her.

“Oh, James,” she said softly, dizzy with this great big feeling. She carefully stepped over the bench with James’ broom, while he hopped off the ledge and immediately took her hand to help her. He wrapped his arms around her.

“Dunno if you know,” James whispered to her, not pulling away, using his other hand to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “But the others have a bet going...”

She didn’t know, but she wasn’t surprised. “I wonder what for,” Lily replied, and leaned into him, not bothering to hide her smile. 

“Apparently there’s two idiots who fancy each other but haven’t snogged yet.” 

Lily’s hands shook a bit in anticipation but she hid it by bunching them in James’ shirt. “I swear to God, if Sirius wins...”

James snorted and they were quiet for a moment as they held each other. The stars burned bright above, silent cheerleaders, and the breeze blew gentle. Lily felt the specter of the future shrink away as she looked up at James the same time he tilted his head down. 

His lips were testing and soft, but when Lily melted against him, her arms circling his neck, he breathed out in relaxed relief. Lily’s heart beat out of her chest; she wanted to laugh, she wanted to cry. She wanted to never let this moment go, just stand under the stars for eternity with James Potter. 

He broke away first and touched his forehead to hers, eyes closed, seeming to just soak it all in. 

Lily swallowed. “You’ve been waiting a while, haven’t you?” James nodded, silent, and Lily said, “sorry it’s taken me so long.”

“Nah,” James whispered, pulling away to look at her, to ghost his fingertips over her cheeks and jaw. “This year has been amazing.”

“Yeah,” Lily agreed softly, lips— still warm from his— pulling up into a smile. “It has.”

* * *

The next few days passed in a confusing mix of euphoria from time spent with James and anxiousness at Lily’s imminent meeting with Dumbledore. Perhaps he pulled the sixth years’ names out of his starry hat because McGonagall didn’t approach Lily until the last day of term... 

“Christ,” Lily mumbled, staring wide eyed at her coffee. “I mean, it’s about time but also...I’ve got packing still to do…”

“Don’t forget about our end of term party,” Mary sang at her with giddiness; _she_ had finished her big packing the night before and _she_ had her meeting ages ago and _she_ had passed all of her exams.

Lily had passed too, easily, but still felt discomfited with her other tasks. Sensing this, James reached under the table to give her hand a squeeze. Butterflies zipped through her and she smiled at him in thanks. 

At least there was that. 

By some unspoken agreement, both her and James kept their distance when in the common areas of the castle. At meals or sprawled out in the sun on the lawn, they were never far from each other, but didn’t indulge in their deeper feelings, not with everyone watching. It made the quieter, later times of day that much more sweeter and exciting. 

It didn’t have to be like that, not really, but it just...it was so new and they were still learning about each other. Sometimes when Lily thought about James, she felt the world fall away and her chest tighten into some big and complicated feeling that was both fragile and flaming, that only James seemed to understand. 

Their friends had known immediately what had happened on the Quidditch pitch, however. All of her dormmates saw it in the dreamy way she walked into the dorm a few hours later, smile plastered on her kissed swollen lips, eyes glazed over in memory. It turns out Sirius did indeed win the bet and later in her dorm, Lily happily obliged the girls by recounting what had happened. 

“Lily,” James said to her later when they were both tucked behind a tapestry. 

Lily nuzzled her face into the crook of James’ neck. “Yeah?”

“I, er,” James shivered when her lips pressed a soft kiss into his skin. “I can’t walk with you to Dumbledore’s tonight.”

Lily paused, “were you going to?”

“If you wanted me to, sure.” James played with the back of her hair, fidgeting nervously. “But tonight is...er, well it’s a full moon again.”

“Oh,” she said, startled into pulling back. She’d forgotten completely, especially since there’d been a full moon already, at the start of the month. And bad luck with it being the night before the Hogwarts Express. “Poor Remus, a blue moon…”

“He’ll be fine,” James immediately reassured but Lily squinted at him.

“What are you doing tonight,” she asked slowly, not liking how her stomach curdled a bit with the mystery. 

James said nothing and after a moment, he looked up at the ceiling, resolve settling over him; loyalty for his friends. “I can’t tell you.”

“Okay,” Lily said, but it hurt. She bowed her head into his chest and listened to his heart for a moment, looking for anchor against her own hammering one. 

“Lily, you know I want to,” James said, and she believed him. “It’s just…”

“Not only your secret.” She nodded and sighed, wanting to understand but not having all of the facts to even try. She could only hope that… “One day?”

James looked at her again, relief passing over him, and he gave a hesitant smile. “Yeah. One day.”

“You’ll be careful?”

“Marauder’s promise.”

That shouldn’t be comforting, it was too vague...except it was, because James couldn’t lie. 

* * *

So, in the end, James and the other boys disappeared sometime around sunset, and Mary and Marlene offered to walk Lily up to Dumbledore’s. 

“You really don’t have to wait for me,” she insisted when they reached the gargoyle statue that guarded the Headmaster’s office. 

Twilight had fallen over the castle, leaving it golden and shadowed, and for a moment as she looked at her friends’ encouraging faces, Lily felt a twinge of sorrow at it ending in the morning. She almost told them to forget what she’d said, they could wait. It was only for just one more night. 

But Mary glanced over at Marlene and said, “oh, good, that gives us time to track down some drinks for tonight.”

“Good luck,” Marlene said, and looped her arm through Mary’s. Lily watched them go and then waited until even their footsteps faded before turning toward the gargoyle.

Lily tapped her foot as she surveyed it. Unease filled her, and she thought about the vague details her friends had given about the meeting. Head Student stuff...Hogwarts values...the future... 

At that, her throat went thick. 

The future…

She’d known, from the moment she laid her quill on parchment and told her parents about the war, what she’d do. That acceptance she’d sought and battled for...it’d slid into place that day on the Quidditch pitch and with every laugh she shared with her friends. Every smile and touch James gave her. 

Giving her acceptance a voice, a life, seemed only the next logical step, and so she took a bracing breath and said, “Buckeyes.”

* * *

The portraits were unnerving. 

Lily had never had occasion to visit Dumbledore in his office but she’d walked past enough portraits in the larger corridors of the castle to be familiar with the creeping sensation of being watched. 

Past Headmaster and Headmistresses of Hogwarts— they all watched Lily, some murmuring curiously, some assessing, and some with guarded contempt. Lily didn’t have to read their name plaques to know _those_ headmasters had been in Slytherin. Others slept— or pretended to, which was its own kind of disquiet.

Professor Dumbledore seemed not to notice them, for his clear blue eyes twinkled over his half-moon glasses as he smiled genially at her. “Miss Evans. Thank you for meeting me; I apologize for not being able to do so sooner.”

“It’s alright, sir,” Lily replied, hands folded neatly in her lap. She glanced at Fawkes, the beautiful phoenix perched just to the right of Dumbledore’s desk, to help calm her nerves. 

“I’m sure you have a wonderful night of celebrations ahead of you, so I shall proceed straight to the point,” Dumbledore went on, immediately drawing Lily’s eyes back to him. “As you are aware, Hogwarts appoints two of its seventh year students the honor of serving the school as Head Boy and Girl. Should you be chosen, you would be expected to uphold the values of Hogwarts and stand as an example to your fellow classmates in both behavior and academic achievement. As Headmaster, appointment falls to me and thus, here we are.”

Lily swallowed, and she hoped the sound wasn’t audible. She nodded to show her understanding. Professor Dumbledore smiled. “Excellent. Now, Miss Evans, I understand that you are in the top of your class so I know your magical abilities and academic prowess are not to be underestimated.”

Lily tried not to beam too proudly at that. 

“But as well as being a model student,” Dumbledore continued, “a Head Girl is expected to stand with her classmates, in support and encouragement. She must be fair in her judgement and awards, to ensure they align with the Hogwarts values and so, Miss Evans, in your own words, what are they?”

“The House values, of course,” Lily replied automatically, some years old Sorting Hat song going through her mind in vague memory. “Bravery, intellect, loyalty, ambition...Though, in recent years, the Sorting Hat has pressed the importance of unity as well.”

“So it has,” Dumbledore nodded in agreement. “How would you, as Head Girl, uphold those values?”

Lily looked down at her clasped hands; they were white from her own grip and she eased it, taking a breath as she said, “the same way I do as a prefect, sir. Rule breaking and disorder...bigotry and ignorance— they’re all toxic to the learning and social environments of Hogwarts. I don’t tolerate it, sir.” 

She glanced up and noted the keen interest gleaming in Dumbledore’s eyes and took that as encouragement. “As a Muggleborn, I have a right to learn about my magic abilities and feel safe while doing so. I would serve punishment to anyone I see threatening that right. Er, with detention and points taken, of course.”

“Of course.” Dumbledore looked faintly amused, but contemplative. “You’ve learned a great number of lessons during your time at Hogwarts and I wonder, Miss Evans, what you think is the most important?”

Oh, Christ, she was going to bugger one this up, and it’d be her on the Quidditch field despairing about it all. James would be the one holding her, reassuring her and— Oh.

A year ago she’d hated James Potter and had her heart broken by Severus Snape…A year ago…

_“...filthy little mudbloods like her!”_

She flinched, old hurt rising up. All because she’d tried to help; for five years, she’d stood by Snape, defending him when the world seemed against him when really, he’d been against her the whole time. When had he ever returned the favor, proved that their friendship meant as much to him as it did to her?

He hadn’t, and so...Lily pulled the threads of the year out from her memory: James walking with her, listening to her; holly tucked in her hair; James’ smile.

And more than that, woven through, binding and sealing the holes— almond and rose water; sunrise on the lake; handkerchiefs; mince pies; bedside tea and laughing; card games; champagne; a dusty cupboard; crosswords and books; full moons; chocolate; Gunhilda of Gorsemoor…

Cooling autumn in an empty courtyard, _“are you okay?”_

_For what it’s worth…_

_I’d protect you all if I could_.

_We’re like family._

“That,” Lily began carefully, “the people who stand by you are the ones worth keeping close.”

Dumbledore’s blue eyes were piercing. “And what of those who do not?”

“Sir, I…” Lily narrowed her eyes and thought of Snape, of the pain that often lingered in his eyes behind his anger, and shook her head. “I want to believe they can, one day, change but...I can’t— I won’t let them hurt me during the wait. I would rather stand up for myself and lose their friendship than...do nothing.”

Dumbledore nodded, but revealed none of his thoughts, and Lily couldn’t help but shift in her wooden seat, her hands feeling clammy on her lap. His voice was soft when he said, “and which lesson do you hold closest to your heart?”

James immediately sprang to mind and she felt warm all over and oddly reassured. “Did you ask James Potter this question?” She thought of him on the Quidditch pitch, fresh from this meeting, aching for her. 

“I’ve asked this question of all your peers,” Professor Dumbledore replied. 

“It’s them,” Lily answered, almost cutting off Dumbledore, and her cheeks went pink. “We understand each other— my friends. We’ve shared the same dorm for six years, we’re like family.”

Dumbledore smiled warmly at her. “Miss Evans, if I may ask just one more question...upon leaving Hogwarts, how would you practice what you’ve learned?”

Ah, here it was. Scouting, James had said. For the future, Sirius had guessed, and everyone knew what the future held. 

Lily stared at Dumbledore, trying to read something in his disarming eyes but whatever his intentions were for this question, he gave none of them away. He wouldn’t anyway, not when— if James and Sirius were to be believed— his trust in the Ministry was so shallow. Lily was only a seventeen year old girl but if Dumbledore was leading the fight…

Lily jutted her chin forward. “I won’t bow to people who look down on me or my friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Sometimes, falling in love is sinking into a hot bath with an aching body, or chocolate slowly melting in your mouth. Or it could being woken by a gentle weekend sunrise. It's the most wonderful feeling. Savor it. No rush needed, just enjoy it.  
> -[Tumblr](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Though everyone said she was so strong,  
>  What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on,  
> But she knew that she would be okay..."_  
> Shawn Mendes, A Little Too Much
> 
>  _Heaven and Earth have finally aligned,  
>  Days are good, and that's the way it should be,  
> ...'cause now I'm shining bright, so bright..."_  
> Echosmith, Bright
> 
> *cw: a bit of gross misogyny at the beginning

Wildfire— that’s how Lily’s nerves felt as she wandered aimlessly through the corridors after leaving Dumbledore’s office. 

She should go back to the dorm, the girls would be waiting for her...but her mind just couldn’t give her feet the path. Somehow, she’d wound up near the Astronomy Tower, with all its darkened staircases and shadowed nooks. Several couples filled them, taking advantage of their last night in the castle before the summer holidays, but Lily hadn’t the heart to break them up, not tonight. 

Instead she backtracked a bit, quiet in her steps, so as not to disturb anyone, and went to a large window overlooking the grounds. Moonlight washed over everything, silvery and dreamy. Stars twinkled overhead, so bright…Lily rested her elbows on the sill and propped her chin in her hands and just watched them. 

Wasn’t it amazing how something could be so beautiful that it hurt? For Lily the night sky was the comfort of dark leading to light, the stars silent witnesses over her life, waving gently from their place like friends themselves, always there…

But for Remus…

This wing faced the wrong side too see the Shrieking Shack and besides, it’d be too small of a speck to see in the dark. 

Lily shook her head…The meeting with Dumbledore...Sirius had been right, it could go either way with Dumbledore and she found it maddening to not know exactly where she stood. 

Would she be appointed Head Girl?

Would he choose her as...what? One of his? To fight with him?

Lily scrubbed her hands over her face and just...tried to breathe. She really ought to go back to the dorm, for her friends. Her _family_ — waiting for her with one last toast to the finished school year. Go back and forget the meeting, the full moon, and just let the cider make her loose and silly.

Except— Lily squinted into the darkness and then— hurriedly undid the window’s latch and pushed it open, practically hanging her body out of the window to see— to see four _very_ familiar figures skipping and laughing their way down a path. 

James’ old warning to stay in the castle surfaced. Remus was in the Shrieking Shack, he’d told her that as well, and James never lied. 

Lily lowered herself back down, her feet a delicate touch upon the flagstone, as if ready to hoist herself up again at any moment. The corridor was black on either side of her with no other window facing the Shack. 

It was wrong— something about this, and it frustrated her senses. 

Remus was in the Shack. James did not lie…

...but he also didn’t tell the truth. _It’s where he goes to transform,_ James had said. A nugget of truth to reassure her from reality— 

Which was that James Potter was the biggest bloody prat ever to live.

Lily started walking, instinct twisting her gut, swearing that the moment she saw James Potter again, she’d curse him to hell and back for his dumb, stupid, semantics game. 

Because Remus might _start_ the full moon in the Shack but that certainly didn’t stop his friends from letting the wolf out _later_. 

Merlin’s sagging balls.

“ _Top of his class_ , they say,” Lily mimicked in a high voice through gritted teeth as she raced down the stairs, “ _so bloody_ _brilliant_ , they say...for Christ’s sake, I can’t believe I let him snog me— _oh!”_

Racing toward the top of a staircase, Lily halted as she came face to face with Mulciber. 

“Evans.” He looked harsh in the shadows, and he took one step up toward her. “Alone, are you? Where’s your blood traitor boyfriend?”

Lily’s blood ran cold but she did not cede a step. Not even when he looked her up and down, his face sliding into a cruel smirk. “What are you doing here, Mulciber? It’s past curfew, go back to your common room.”

“Or what? End of term, Mudblood, there’s no points to be docked or detentions to give.”

Most sensible people might fear running into Mulciber alone at night and yes, Lily was one of those people, she wasn’t an idiot; her heart threatened to leap out of her chest and the urge to run sang within her. 

She needed to run, but not because of _him._ She needed to get to her friends. So Lily stood her ground, her wand hand twitching. Mulciber must have noticed because he sneered. 

“I wonder what Potter would think if his whore had an accident on the stairs.” He took another step up. He was so large in the dark. 

“Get out of my way,” Lily said with quiet warning. 

“Personally, I think Potter should owe me,” Mulciber stepped up so he was level with her and she perfectly saw the malice swimming in his black eyes. “Saving him from fouling up his bloodline.”

Mulciber let out a hollow laugh, and he squared his shoulders, daring her to try and move past him. The intent was clear for what he’d do— his wand, she noticed, was already in his hand, and Lily suspected the curse tipping onto his tongue was vicious. She narrowed her eyes.

_No._

“ _Expelliarmus!”_

Mulciber’s wand flew out of his hand and into Lily’s. It felt utterly wrong, almost oily, but she kept a firm grip on it as she watched rage distort his grin. Mulciber lifted a foot but once again Lily was faster.

_“Petrificus totalus!”_

Freezing instantly, his foot still raised awkwardly, Mulciber fell over with a heavy thud, and a breathy groan escaped his slightly opened mouth. Fury burned in his eyes as he stared, immobile, up at her. 

Lily glared, unsympathetic, and raised his wand to examine it in the moonlight streaming in from a high window. “I wish I could see your humiliation when you explain to your friends how you lost your wand.” 

She casually tossed it over the edge of the staircase, and stayed silent so he could hear it clatter somewhere in the depths of the castle. 

“Have a good summer,” Lily said, and breezed past him.

* * *

If you were a bunch of drunk teenage witches, where would you go on the eve of summer holidays? 

Lily had been running on instinct through the castle, going where she’d seen them while up near the Astronomy Tower but now that she was outside, she let memory push her forward; she’d also been a drunk teenage witch— many times, but also one night in particular at the end of January, her birthday.

The boathouses. 

So, with the bright moon guiding her way, Lily ran down the stairs leading away from the castle; her lungs began to burn for want of air, and her heart roared in her ears but the boathouse was at least in sight. She ran past the Greenhouses, skirted along the edge of the forest, and stopped dead when a yearning howl pierced through the silence of the night and then faded into nothing, leaving Lily shivering in cold fear. 

And then, “Lily?” 

She whipped towards the voice and found James standing just within the forest, his eyes wide in horror. 

“Lily,” he said, and then rushed over to her. He had little bits of twigs in his hair. “What are you doing out here?”

Lily stepped back from James, gaping at him. “What are _you_ doing— James— you let Remus _out?”_

James winced, and he looked back to the forest, it's dark shadows and twisting trees. “We usually keep to the forest, it’s safe for him there— only...Peter was scouting ahead and heard some people. Remus hasn’t picked up their scent but Sirius has been distracting him so Peter could warn me and…He thought it was— I wondered...” He jerked, as if suddenly realizing something. “Where are the others?”

“Where are…” Lily blinked and scoffed helplessly, “Potter— _what?_ Remus a _werewolf—"_

"Remus isn't the wolf," James cut in, sharp, looking hurt for his friend.

 _"He's_ not, no," Lily threw back, "but Remus isn't in control right now and you know it! You’re _human_ — what can _you_ do?"

James gnawed on the inside of his cheeks and stared at Lily with frustrated pleading that she matched one hundred percent, silently daring him to lie to her, until finally he let out a growl and threw his hands up in the air. “Lily— I can’t. They’re—”

Anger at James was an unfamiliar feeling, after so many months spent falling into his golden sunshine. But there it was again, that bad habit, embracing her so tight it roiled her stomach. Just a few hours ago, they’d been tucked away in bliss and now...now— 

“Yes you can!” Lily yelled, blinking away the stinging in her eyes. “James, I— _we—_ after all this time you _still_ don’t trust me?”

Her words cracked with her hurt, her disbelief, and James stilled, sensing that she was beyond anger. “Lily…”

“No, James.” Lily stabbed a finger at him, “I’ve let you bend the truth for _months_ and it was fine because it wasn’t my business and _I_ trusted _you.”_ She wiped a harsh sleeve over her face and then swept her arm out behind her, toward the boathouse. “But now my friends are in there and they’re in danger because of—of.. _.”_

Another howl, closer this time— James stood silent, head bowed, and Lily let out a breathless cry, her throat so very tight. When it became apparent that James wasn’t going to say anything, she scoffed and shook her head. “Just...get out of my way so I can get them back to the bloody castle.”

She made to step away when James laid a gentle hand on her arm, stopping her. 

“We’re animagi.”

Lily froze just as another howl and, curiously, a loud bark rang out, and James turned his head toward it, and Lily saw how his body practically twitched to follow, to his people. But he tore away and reached out to her, taking her tense hands in his— she was his anchor, she realized.

James took a breath. “I’m sorry, for…all of this. It’s usually— we _are_ fine in the forest. The shack is— cruel. He’s too restless and hurts himself more. With us he can wrestle out his energy. He’s in the hospital wing less.”

Lily’s heart pounded; James bore his eyes in hers, wide in their sincerity, and his brows pinched together. 

“Lily, please.” His voice was like gravel. “I'm sorry, but can you understand? We were underage, but we wanted to help Remus...if anyone found out…we— _he_ could…”

James looked as heartbroken as she felt, unable to finish that sentence, and the honesty of it…it crumbled her resolve. Like a candle’s flame blown out… 

Lily told him softly, “I’ll get Mary and Marlene back to the castle. Go help Remus.”

James blinked, his eyes rising to meet hers. His hands squeezed hers and Lily squeezed back, dropping her eyes to look at them, trying not to wonder if it’d be the last time she’d have a moment like this with him. 

“Werewolves can’t hurt other animals, you know,” James whispered, caressing a thumb across the back of her hand. “Not like…”

“Can I see?”

James hesitated, giving her a long look, and then, carefully, like she would sprint away at the slightest touch, placed a kiss atop her head. He stepped back and— then he was replaced by a large stag with antlers stretching up towards the stars. Lily sucked in a breath, remembering a night from months ago…

“I know you,” she said, and reached a hand out, her fingertips brushing the fuzz just above the stag’s nose. “Prongs.”

Another howl; Prong jerked his head in its direction, the fur along his side rippling in anticipation. 

“Go on,” Lily told him, stepping back. "Be safe."

Prongs bowed his head at her once more and then, gracefully, powerfully, he charged into the forest. 

* * *

The girls, luckily, hadn’t made it out onto the lake yet even though they’d untied a boat. They seemed to have given up, instead, on getting it in position to push into the water; Lily found them sprawled against it, a couple of empty cider bottles on their sides next to them. 

Dorcas and Marlene were pressed together, arms entwined, and trading clumsy little kisses on each other’s cheeks. Next to them, Evelyn was doing her best to remain upright as Mary braided random locks on her hair. 

Mary saw Lily first and squealed, _"Lily!"_

The others greeted her similarly which, inexplicably, turned into singing.

_“Lily of the valley!”_

_“Doesn’t knooOoow.”_

_“Serpent of the Niiiile, relieve me for a while!”_

_“And cast me from this speeell, let me gooOoo!”_

It was...it was just a lot. 

Between Dumbledore’s meeting, her run-in with Mulciber, _James being an animagus,_ Lily ran low on sensible emotions and so her only response at seeing her drunk, singing friends, was to just laugh loud and maniacally, bending low with her arms around her middle to try and hold back some of it. Somewhere in the middle of it all, Mary and Marlene had gotten up with cries of concern, and Lily suddenly realized there were tears streaming down her cheeks and the pain from her chest was not from laughing but sobbing. 

“Aw, Lily,” Marlene murmured, brushing a lock of hair away.

“We know we’re rubbish singers,” Mary sounded bemused, but wrapped an arm around Lily’s shoulders anyway, “but it can’t be _that_ bad.”

Lily let out a half sob, half laugh, whacked her friends, and said the only thing that made any sort of sense at the moment, “Evelyn's lovely...but, past curfew.”

“But end of term,” Mary pouted.

Shaking her head, Lily scrubbed at her face, tears smearing across her cheeks. She stood, helping to haul the other girls to their feet as well. “I also body bound Mulciber—” The girls gasped. “He probably won’t admit who did it, the spineless bastard, but we should get back...”

Lily kept an open ear out the entire walk back to the castle. She did her best to hurry them, but— it was like herding cats. They did their best to maintain their jovial celebration and therefore wander back at a sloshy pace— Mary wanted to finishing braiding Evelyn’s hair, and Dorcas whinged loudly about not getting to snog Marlene in a boat again.

“Next year,” Lily promised with a grumble, at her wits end. 

Still, luckily, there was no sign of Remus— not a Marauder posing as an animal or a howl, or even the rustling and snapping of a scuffle, no matter how deeply Lily peered into the forest.

* * *

With a snap, Lily’s trunk closed and she sat back on her heels to survey the dorm room.

Melancholy always squeezed at her a bit, seeing it in this state: Mary’s sketch pads weren’t stacked on every available horizontal space; Marlene and Lily’s books didn’t overflow from their shelves to merge into one pile between their beds; not a single discarded, crumpled piece of parchment littered the area around Dorcas’ bed; Evelyn’s...well, Evelyn’s side was perfect as always, but it was strange not to see her knick-knacks set prettily across her shelf. 

This was it. 

Sixth year was over and done with and all that was left was the Hogwarts Express back to London. 

Back home. 

Lily frowned at her trunk, thinking about that. 

Home, in Cokeworth, with her family so completely different from the one she had here. Already she was preparing herself for the displacement, the strange feeling of being the odd one out, being as immersed in the wizard world as she was. She barely had a grasp on who the popular musicians were, never mind the new television shows and trends. 

At least it wasn’t quite as bad as being frowned upon for not knowing some obscure magical trivia because she hadn’t been born in the wizard world. 

“Who was the genius who decided drinking all night was a good idea?” Marlene was a bit gray as she came out of the bathroom, arms full of shower products; she dumped them unceremoniously into her trunk, and then rushed back to collect more. 

“Yours,” Lily answered helpfully, “and Mary’s.”

Though, to give credit to Mary, she’d at least finished packing, and was with Evelyn getting breakfast for them. Dorcas was sitting with her things strewn about, organizing and shrinking it all so it’d fit.

It wasn’t drinking that’d done Lily in the night before though. Long after the dorm quieted, with the girls in bed, behind closed curtains, Lily stayed awake, thinking of the stag. Of James, and his friends, wrestling a werewolf under the pale moon. 

Marlene had flung a wet towel at Lily’s bed sometime after dawn and she'd jerked awake, feeling raw and depleted.

“Lily, get _up,”_ Marlene threw her curtains open, letting in impossibly bright sunshine that Lily blinked against. “Train leaves in two hours!”

Which sent Lily into a frenzy as she raced out of bed, into the shower, and then collecting all her things in record time. But it was done now, and she could sit for a moment and just breathe and notice that...this was it.

“Bit weird,” Lily said, moving to perch on the end of her bed. “Going back, saying goodbye to you lot for the summer.”

“Not having to fight for the shower though,” Dorcas sighed longingly as she tossed some more things in her trunk. “Looking forward to that.”

Lily snorted, and laid back on her bed, her arms stretched out. “I’ll have to fight Petunia.”

“Oh yeah.” Marlene’s blond head came into view as she joined Lily on her bed. “Bad luck, that. Oh! But you can use magic now at least— cast a silencing spell around your bedroom so you won’t have to listen to her stropping about.”

“Mmm.” Lily smiled, cheered a bit by the prospect, and then, “I’ll miss you all.”

“Don’t get soppy,” Marlene said, though it was soft with unspoken agreement. “We’ll write everyday.”

“Ugh, just phone me, save my hand from the cramps.”

“Yes, that’s true,” Marlene’s voice went knowing, teasing, “I suspect you’ll be too busy writing Potter everyday anyway.”

Lily frowned, her breath catching as a sinking feeling pressed her into her bed. Marlene immediately took notice of Lily’s silence and looked over. “Alright?”

“Yeah,” Lily said, offering Marlene what she hoped was a cheery smile. “Fine.”

The door burst open then, with Mary and Evelyn making their return, arms laden with savory breakfast, saving Lily from having to elaborate to an unconvinced Marlene. Stomachs rumbling with hunger, the girls moved to the floor and unwrapped the scones and sausages and hash. Marlene dug around in her trunk for some tea and they happily ate in silence together.

“Hey,” Lily said as an idea came to her, and then swallowed down the dry scone. “We can Apparate. We should meet this summer.”

The girls traded excited smiles and then Dorcas said, “let’s go to London. Proper muggle London— see a film, do some shopping.”

“We’ve never been in the muggle world together,” Marlene mused, her eyes shining with delight. 

Evelyn said, a little sheepishly, “I can count the number of times I’ve been there on one hand…”

“Don’t worry,” Mary laughed, “we’ll all be in the same boat. Acting like purebloods.”

Lily laughed, “marveling at all the simplest things we’ve been deprived of all year. Oh— like muggle magazines and _jeans.”_

“Oh, blimey,” Marlene giggled, “we’d better brush up on muggle money soon. And have you ever taken the Underground?”

“Ages ago,” Lily admitted. 

The girls sort of fell into silence at having the world at their fingertips. Or, on the turn of a heel, really, but— they could do it, they weren’t limited to Hogwarts or Diagon Alley now, and eagerness tingled over them.

“You should visit,” Marlene said, a smile coming over her, “meet my brother— he’s coming to Hogwarts in a year, you know.”

“We could kidnap Lily from her sister,” Mary offered, to which Lily bowed her head in thanks.

“Ooh, Mary, can we visit your mad uncle,” Dorcas shook with eagerness, “the creadditch or whatever fanatic.”

“Creaothceann, _gosh_ , haven’t you read _Quidditch Through the Ages?”_

“Whatever. Can we?”

“No! You’d all end up dead!”

Lily looked at her best friends, these girls who’d given her friendship, who’d listened, always, and supported her. Who she’d do the same for without a second thought. Who she’d miss, whether it was one day or two months, because they were family to her now. Six years, together. 

Lily's heart slowly lifted and she couldn’t help but smile through a tight throat as she said, “we’re doing rather well, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Marlene nodded.

“Only get better from here,” Mary smiled. 

“Yeah,” Lily said.

She swept one last look around the dorm, their tidy beds and packed trunks, and finally back to her friends and breathed in the rush of anticipation at the coming summer and the next year.

* * *

They were easy to find; the Marauders used the same compartment for every Hogwarts Express journey since their first Christmas six years ago. When Lily slid the door open, she took in the sight of four boys sprawled out, their limbs tangled together in a familial invasion of space that none of them seemed to mind. 

James was the first to perk up at the sight of her, anxiety written so clearly across his weary face. The others came around together, freezing in place, and Lily did not fail to notice the stricken dread that washed over Remus’ pale face. Lily slid the door closed and wedged herself between James and Peter.

“Moony. That’s obvious.” Lily pointed at Remus, and then looked over at James. “Prongs.” She lifted her hands over her head in a silly imitation of antlers. She looked at Sirius and Peter, questioningly. 

“You told her,” Sirius said to James instead.

“Dire circumstances,” Lily said and Sirius rolled his eyes. “So what— Padfoot? _Oh!_ You’re a dog— I’ve heard you around the castle.” She flashed him a bemused smile. “James is right, you really are an idiot. It’s not subtle, you know.”

Sheepish, Sirius now sank down into his seat, muttering something about _outsiders_. Lily rolled her eyes right back at him and moved onto Peter. 

“Wormtail...Mouse?” She thought of him cleaning the rodent cages in the Transfiguration wing during detention and felt a fond sort of tug at how well he’d looked after them all. 

“Rat,” Peter coughed. Lily shared in his pleased smile.

“James said you warned him last night,” she said and reached over to give his hand a grateful squeeze. “Thank you. If you ever want to play chess next year—”

“Don’t, Evans,” Sirius groaned, “it’s a trap. Calculating git will trash you, no mercy. Not worth it.”

“Now, Padfoot,” Peter kicked at him. “No need to be a sore loser.”

Sirius scowled, but backed down when Remus laid a gentle on his arm and cleared his throat. Guilt and shame radiated off him as he regarded Lily. “Lily, I’m sorry about last night—”

“It’s okay,” she said, meaning it. “Really. It’s fine.”

“But you could have gotten hurt—”

“We didn’t. Nobody did. It was all in good hands.” Lily looked at them all— the exhaustion pooling under their eyes, the sluggish way they moved— Sirius winced as he sat back up. But James watched her with soft hope that squeezed at her heart. “How are you?”

“Er,” James said, trading glances with his friends, seemingly taking stock at their present state. The consensus seemed to be, “rough night.”

It was silent for a beat, with Lily and James staring at each other; there were dark rings under his eyes and she was filled with a longing urge to wrap her arms around him. 

“Could you...” Lily started, giving the others apologetic looks, “give us a few minutes?”

They agreed and the compartment filled with good natured grumbling as the boys stood and, right as Sirius left through the door, his hand a protective press against Remus’ back, he winked at Lily and said, “take it easy on him.”

Lily rolled her eyes and James shrank down a bit more. The door closed and it was just the two of them, in silence, both of them heavy with emotions that Lily didn’t want to try and sort through right now. But she hated this distance with James, just wanted... 

“What is the most important lesson you’ve learned at Hogwarts?” 

James flicked his eyes at her, and then away, squinting like he was searching for the punchline. When Lily didn’t say anything else, he cleared his throat, slowly sat up, and fiddled with the hem of his shirt and said, “used to say courage, right? But lately— and don't tell Sirius— I sort of think Hufflepuff got it right. Loyalty...finding the bravery to fight for who you love...Lily—” 

“I said that the people who stand by you are the ones worth fighting for,” Lily rushed to say. “Snape never did, you know? But the girls do…you do... _d_ _id_ , last night... _”_

“Lily.” James leaned in, his arms on his thighs, his fingertips inches from hers. “I’m so sorry— for keeping the truth from you, and for last night. I never wanted to but—”

“They’re your brothers,” she finished for him, twitching her mouth into a smile. “You have to protect them. I get it— you’re absolutely mad, but I understand.”

The thing was: Lily was in awe of their band of brotherhood. The fact that they all put their chaotic minds together and became underage animagi to help their werewolf friend. Christ, Lily wasn’t sure if she had nerve, but then she’d never had the opportunity to find out. She could imagine it though: Marlene, for instance, disappearing each full moon and coming back with new scars and injuries. It’d be— awful, seeing her that way, and a rush of empathy flooded Lily because she’d— she’d want to help. She would. 

Remus wasn’t an imagined scenario though; he was real, and he was her friend, he was good. And these boys, who broke the law for him, and risked their lives each month to help him...they were her friends too. And James was...

"Thought you were finished with me for a bit," James muttered.

"Nah, just needed a sulk is all."

She leaned forward and took James’ hands in hers and brought them up to kiss. As soon as she did, he opened them and brushed his fingers over her cheeks, along her jaw, to the back of her neck…

“Thank you for telling me,” she whispered when James’ mouth came an inch within hers; his lips twitched into a smile. “Your secret is mine, I promise.”

* * *

Through the compartment window, Lily could see her parents standing beside Mr. and Mrs. Potter on the platform and— oh, she’d missed them. 

Students, all out of their uniforms and beaming with summer freedom, rushed about as the train rumbled to a stop, pulling down trunks and gathering pet cages. Lily levitated her trunk through the train, having grabbed it from the girls' compartment, and ran into James as he came out of his. 

“Nice trick,” he said, nodding at her trunk.

Lily bobbed a curtsy. “Why thank you. I’m a witch, you know.”

“No way,” James gasped in mock surprise. “I’m a wizard. Perhaps we can...make magic together.”

“Merlin smite me down,” Sirius groaned behind James. “If this is what my entire summer looks like…”

“Pay back for you and Remus,” Peter muttered, squeezing into the train corridor with them.

“Excuse me, but we were and still are _delightful_ ,” Remus deadpanned. “Honestly, Prongs, it’s like you’ve learned nothing.”

“Truly— He still can’t lie.” 

“Lily! Betrayed by my own heart!”

James threw himself out of the nearest car door and onto the platform, all drama as he clasped his hand over said heart, narrowly missing being crushed by his falling trunk. Lily followed, making a gloating face at the elegant landing her own trunk made; James scowled.

Sirius barked out a laugh at the both of them; Lily expected a snarky jab at James, but instead he winked at her and made a beeline for Mr. And Mrs. Potter, carefully scooping them up into lingering embraces, looking thrilled at seeing them. 

Marlene and Dorcas were with their families, making introductions together; Peter and Remus went off to find their own parents and further down the platform, Lily saw that Mary and Evelyn had reunited with theirs and were making their way toward the Muggle entrance. Lily waved them a farewell, still feeling the seconds long group hug they’d had right before the train pulled in.

“Meet on Saturday,” Mary had murmured.

“Hang on ‘til then, Lily,” Marlene squeezed her. 

Her parents had edged away from the Potters, to give them some privacy with Sirius, and they watched her with patient expectancy. Lily took a breath in, ignoring the prick of disappointment that Petunia wasn’t there but...well, it was probably for the best. 

“Alright, Evans?” James’ voice was soft in her ear, and his smile equally so when she turned to him. 

The train ride had been good for them; sitting with the Marauders and hearing about their full moons, how they became animagi...Lily found reassurance in their stories, felt humbled by the lengths they’d go for each other and at some point, she’d leaned into James.

“It’s okay,” she’d whispered, needing him to know. “It’s okay.”

Now, seeing him there, on this platform, the end of their journey— it hit her how much had changed; she’d finished fifth year with her soul limping and now she felt like she could take on the world. 

“Yeah,” she breathed out now, and took his hand. 

“Plans for the summer?” He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and she did her best to memorize his hazel eyes, every fleck of gold and brown and blue. 

“Probably writing some bloke every day,” she sighed out dramatically.

“Every day, huh?” James barely succeeded in holding back his smile. 

“Maybe go on a date or two,” Lily went on, “depends on if he can tame his nest of hair or not.”

“Hey, maybe his hair is part of his charm.”

Lily gently tugged at an upward curl of his hair, twirling it lightly in her fingers. “Yeah, maybe it is.”

James put his other hand on the small of her back and Lily felt her pulse pick up from the touch. She relished the warm and comforting feeling that came along with being in James Potter’s arms. 

“Hey Lily?” James’ breath was warm against her skin. “If you need me, for anything— with Snape living nearby, or your sister or...with the war. I’m here. You know that, right?”

Throat constricting, Lily closed her eyes, nodded, and then rose on her toes so she could kiss him. Right there on the platform, her classmates and their families— with their parents and maybe even Snape. None of them mattered.

  
  


Funny how one moment you might spend years loathing someone and, after only a few months, that someone was decidedly _everything_ to you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Happy birthday, James  
> -The song the girls sing is Lily of the Valley by Queen
> 
> This is the end, friends. I've been with this fic since October, writing or editing it almost every day and it's so strange bittersweet that it's over...I'm excited for the future though! I'm putting all my focus into my WIP and, one day, I'll come back to this fic and read it with fresh eyes, like a new reader.
> 
> Thanks so much for taking the time to read to the end, or for the comments or kudos, it really means a lot to me, and I hope you stay safe and healthy in this crazy world of ours!
> 
> [Tumblr](https://charmingwillow.tumblr.com/)


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